THE Day

Wednesday January 14^th was one of the hardest days of our lives…

We had a baby appointment, 17 week check up. We were excited it had been a couple weeks since we had seen the baby. My brother Josiah was going to this appointment too, he is so excited to be an uncle it really is cute! He even gave up smoking at the beginning of the year so he could hold and be around the baby and not smell like smoke. I mean seriously what a good uncle!

So I went to work that morning like a normal day excepting a fun normal baby check up, Victor and Josiah were meeting me at the doctor’s office later that day.

Our appointment was at 11 but the doctor’s office was swamped that day. I seriously don’t think we even got back to the sonogram until like 12. This sonogram was just different from right off the bat. I didn't see the baby moving quite as much as we had in the past. Previous visits it waved, rolled almost did tricks, this visit the baby wasn't so active. We heard a heart beat so everything has to be o.k, right? I thought well maybe the baby is getting bigger and room in there is tight. I mean I was 17 weeks but not looking very big. Some days I felt like I had more of a baby bump than others, some days I just looked like I ate a lot. Any ways, the lady that does our sonograms is one of the sweetest ladies ever, her name is Tina.  She has always done her best to help us get good pictures of our sweet baby. Our appointments have always been fun and exciting, why would this one be any different? Tina would always tell us what we were looking at and explain these crazy black and white images to us as she did her job. However, today she was quite. Josiah even looked kinda bored in this appointment. Tina wasn't talking much, I kinda just coughed it up to the fact the office was so busy and crazy and she was behind on schedule.  She said she was going to take some measurements and check some stuff out but as she looked at things she didn’t say much. Amy, who is the nurse practitioner, came in for a minute just to say Hi. When she left Tina said she had to go to the bathroom and she would be right back to get some profile pictures. Tina came back gave us a picture or 2 and sent us on our way. We walked out of this room into the other room where we usually talk to the doctor about everything. I told Victor something was off, Tina was off today. He told me not to worry. Then I saw Amy, Tina and another nurse come out of the sonogram room. I told Victor something was wrong, he told me not to be crazy or worry. I hoped I was just being over paranoid.

Dr. Vick and Amy came in our room a bit later. (This also raised some red flags, we never had both of them at the same time and I had over heard that he had something at the hospital he had to do). Dr. Vick asked how we we’re, you know the usual formalities of a doctor’s appointment.  We said we were o.k. and I got to the point.  “What’s wrong” I asked.  Dr. Vick proceeded to tell us that it looked like our baby had some fluid in its bladder that shouldn't be there. Dr. Vick remained calm and did his best to reassure us that it would be o.k. but he wanted to get us across the river to UT Medical for the experts to look at. We brought Victor’s mom in and filled her in on the news and together we all said a prayer for God’s will and grace. Alesia at Dr. Vicks called UT and got us in as soon as possible, we had an appointment in 20 min. We were on our way!

I will be honest here; reliving this day to write about it is not fun. It’s not easy. It is a hard day to relive in your mind much less put on paper. This day just SUCKED!

I was not realizing the severity of what was going on. I was holding onto hope and God. God had a plan. God had given us this baby and He would see us through. If it was God’s will it would be. I even said “if God give-ith He can take-ith too”. I said this, yes it is true but I don’t think I really realized what I was saying or that He would take-ith. I mean why would God do such a thing to Victor and I or to anyone for that matter?

So we get to UT Medical and they do their own sonogram. Like I said I didn't realize the severity of what was going on and I don’t think Victor fully did either. Victor is more a worse case scenario kind of guy and I am more good things will happen kind of gal. Well it hit during the sonogram and it hit harder than a 100 pound brick. The sonogram lady said “oh that’s good I just saw the hand open, that helps rule out any Trisomy. They hadn't seen that at your last appointment.” WHAT?!!??!! I thought we were here for some fluid on the bladder, something simple not Trisomy! Not that I know a lot about any Trisomy but we have had a friend that had a baby with Trisomy 13, that wasn't good to say the least, I knew that outcome. Well Hell! I just had my rude awakening! So the sonogram lady finished up and said she would be back with the doctor.

In comes the sonogram lady, Dr. Wolfe, and a geneticist counselor. Dr. Wolfe started to explain what they were seeing and that they were seeing a lot of issues and they couldn't put all these issues into one category. They were seeing a lack of fluid around the baby. They thought they saw clubbed feet. The skin on the back of the baby’s head was measuring thick. The baby’s bladder was enlarged, what they call a keyhole bladder. (It gets its name because it looks like a key hole, you can see how one looks in the picture on the side) The keyhole shape is formed because the bladder is enlarged and pressing down into the pelvis area. There was a lot of fluid in the baby around its heart, lungs and belly, this was diagnosed as Hydrops. Hydrops is when there is fluid in more than two areas of the baby. Like I said they were trying to figure out what was going on but nothing really seemed to make since. One symptom might make you think Downs, like the enlarged skin on the back of the baby’s head but then nothing else made them think Downs. Clubbed feet made them think one thing but then nothing else fit in that category. The hydrops didn't add up to anything else or the swollen bladder. They even tried to factor in the Coxsackie that had a positive test result so many weeks ago. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of this room but I couldn't because they needed me to look at the baby. 

They then called in Dr. Hennessy to look at and discuss what was going on. He believed the clubbed feet was due to lack of movement because of the lack of fluid around the baby, so basically the position of the baby was making it look like clubbed feet. Then after some more brain storming they decided that the skin on the back of the baby’s head was swollen from all the fluid that was inside the baby, not necessarily Downs. But they still could not explain the Hydrops or the swollen bladder.

Dr. Wolfe asked if we knew the sex of the baby and we said no. Originally our plan was not to do any genetic testing or find out the sex of the baby. We knew we would love this baby no matter what. We really looked forward to the surprise of the sex of the baby when it arrived. It was going “old school” and we were excited to keep a true surprise in life. Things change though when your baby is sick… Dr. Wolfe asked if she could tell us what she thought the baby was because it helped explain some of the diagnostics. She believed we were having a little BOY!  She believed it was a little boy because keyhole bladders are more common in boys. YAY, we’re having a boy!! I will be honest though we weren't celebrating at this moment our hearts were being broken over and over again with every word that the doctors said. There wasn't really time to celebrate because yes now we knew it was a boy but would he make it into this world?

They prepared us for the worst. The genetics counselor did her best to explain what was going on and answer any questions. When your world gets turned upside down within minutes it’s hard to process all the information much less ask any questions. They kept emphasizing on the Hydrops. They kept talking about congestive heart failure. Ultimately because of all of the fluid inside our baby they were afraid he would start to shut down just like an old person that has fluid on their heart when they start to shut down. You just compared my 17 week old baby boy to an old person on their death bed? Seriously! Ouch! Hard realization right there! Hydrops can be caused from an infection or because of my blood type verses the baby’s blood type. In our case it was not the blood type causing this. So Dr. Wolfe had my blood tested for every possible infection to see if that could be affecting the baby. We scheduled an appointment 10 days out, the following Friday. Like I said they prepared us for the worst but let us hold on to some hope. But really these doctors did not think they would hear a heart beat in the next 10 days.

Worst day ever does not sum up this day.

Victor and I came home and cried. We filled our families in as much as we could but at this point there wasn't much to fill in on except our baby was sick, very sick. I wasn't giving up hope, not yet, not on my baby. But to say the least our hearts were broken and destroyed. Our baby was sick and right now there was nothing we could do.

We turned to God. We prayed. We prayed for His will, for strength, for patience, understanding, for our baby. Oh we prayed for our baby! Our eyes had cried themselves out and yet we still cried. Our hearts were broken and there was nothing we could do. We had worked so hard to get to this point and all in a day it was being taken away. God would be the only one to get us through this; He has to.

I found this and since this day I have fallen back on it many many times:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

                                Philippians 4:6-7