Abel Is Giving Back!

Victor and I have been deeply touched by all the love and support that family and friends near and far have shown us throughout this journey. Abel was and is one special little boy that is loved near and far. As this chapter in our story comes to an end another one begins. Abel will continue to bless others in ways we may never know.

With extremely heavy hearts we plan the funeral for our little boy. We will have a graveside service at Oak Ridge Memorial on Wednesday June 24, 2015 with family and close friends. In lieu of flowers we are asking for donations to the NICU Building fund at UT Hospital. I have set up a Go Fund Me account to help make donating easier:

www.gofundme.com/babyabelsadventure

Thank you in advance for every penny and every dollar. We are excited that Abel will be able to help other little babies that have a bigger than life fight ahead of them and their families in their biggest time of need.

Our Perfect Day

He was perfect. He is perfect.

He came into this world fighting.

Our lives are for forever changed.

He surprised doctors and nurses.

We knew he had it in him. He knew he had it in him.

God knew. God knows.

God gave us a perfect little boy.

Abel William Ford came into this world Thursday June 18, 2015 at 3:27 p.m.

God was in that room, we all felt the peace that He poured into the room. A sense of peace that this mommy and daddy needed to know it was going to be OK. It had to be OK. God was there. He was answering prayers. He was helping doctors. He was giving Abel strength. He was comforting Victor and me. As much as our hearts hurt and broke they were overfilled with joy at the same time.

He was fighting. He was a fighter; we shouldn’t have expected anything less.

He was a little red headed feisty little boy that wasn’t giving up!

His daddy got to meet him and cheer him on face to face as the doctors help give him the tools to fight.

I prayed.

Victor got to hold his son and was the proudest daddy there could be. It was love.

We had to make decisions no parent should have to make. We stayed strong as our hearts broke. Our son needed us to do what was right for him. We had to make some of the most selfless decisions known to man as the doctors told us if they continued Abel would be in great pain. We had to say no. It wouldn’t be fair to Abel; to the sweetest little boy God could give us.

I held him. I loved him. I love him.

I was in love.

He was so perfect. He is so perfect.

We talked and his daddy and I told him how proud we were of him. We had our moments. God was there. God was showering Victor and I with blessings as our hearts broke at the same time. God was holding all three of us as His plan unfolded.

Abel kept fighting to breath. The tube helped but you could see it in his eyes he was tiered. He had just had the biggest day ever! He made it into this world ALIVE and surprised everyone in that room, there wasn’t a dry eye. Jesus was holding him tight on this adventure.  

He had his daddy’s heart and determination. He had his mommy’s fight.

He saw his mommy and his daddy, he felt our love. He knows how much he is loved. He heard our voices, heard our cheers and felt our tears. We talked about meeting Jesus and I told him it was OK, not to be scared.

He took the world in. He soaked in our love as we poured our thoughts, encouragement and cheers onto him. We bathed him in kisses. We hugged him tight. This is what he had been fighting for, this was it! Welcome to the world Abel!

We held him as long as we could. But we could see he was getting tiered. He was still fighting but his little eyes were sleepy. He was in the midst of a very exciting day! His little body had worked so hard. His little heart hadn’t given up the fight not for a second.

Our hearts broke. In the same moment we were the proudest parents ever!

We made it back to the room where four of the proudest grandparents got to meet their grandson. Tears ran down cheeks, kisses were given as Abel was passed around. He was perfect. Victor and I were so proud to show him off to our parents. We were all so in love.  Our little baby angel love!

He had his mommy’s nose and his daddy’s ears. He looked just like us both! He had luscious lips, wavy red hair and sweet eyes with long blonde eye lashes. He had feet like his daddy and big ol’ hands. He was perfect.

At some point in all the love, tears and sweet words our sweet baby went to be an angel with Jesus.

Our day was perfect. 

But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Luke 18:16

Ready Set... Go

All according to His plan...

We are having a baby! World get ready to meet Abel William Ford!

The doctor decided at our appointment on Wednesday that it was best to induce. Victor and I checked in at midnight and started the new chapter of getting Abel into this world.

I feel God's peace and presence in our decision to induce. I feel at peace just as I did when I put all my trust in God before I even knew this journey was going to begin. God is in control and has His own plan. His plan will go accordingly and just as He wants.

Abel is a super loved little boy. He knows this and we know this; he sure feels the love! Thank you for all your prayers and thank you for the prayers still to come. Please also keep the doctors, nurses, and our families in your prayers as you lift our little boy up in your thoughts and prayers in the days to come. God knows we will all need them.

Only God knows how our story is written. But I know it will be PERFECT.

Seasons of Life

I have tried to write recently but my feelings, thoughts and heart just don’t seem to get onto paper like I feel they should… Maybe I haven’t been truly writing from the heart? This is very possible because I’ll tell you my heart is full of emotions and sometimes they are hard if not near impossible to sort through. But I feel like there is still so much to share and say and tell. Still so many adventures to be had…

It is a beautiful Sunday morning, the birds a singing and the sun is shining and we are officially 39 weeks! Proud mommy moment! However, today is also a little bitter sweet and much of a reality check. Our big day is getting closer and closer. The closer Abel’s arrival gets the more emotions that it brings to be dealt with and the more decisions that have to be made.

We had another doctor’s appointment on Friday. Mommy and Abel are doing good. Abel is growing and has a strong heart! His heart was at 141- who would think this little boy was fighting for his life? We saw him make pulmonary movements, which is also good. He fluttered around a little for us which also showed he is not in any undue stress right now. BUT I am not dilating quite like doctors had hoped, which would make this process a little easier; not that any of this has been so called ‘easy’. So no worries the doctor threw a curve ball and said lets induce this week… “This week? Like week 39? Oh shit”- I won’t lie that was my exact response. I was not ready for that recommendation at all. I thought I had another week with my baby, another 7 days another 168 hours. It may not seem like a lot but it’s something to me, it’s a lot to me actually when there is so much still unknown. I still needed to make sure I had his outfits for his big day; I still need a blanket… I still needed… I may not know exactly what I still needed but I still needed more time. I am not ready! I really wasn’t too fond of this idea. The inevitable was all of a sudden staring us in the face. Scary. Reality check. Exciting. Frightful. Unknowing.  

So… our compromise was we go back Wednesday and as long as everyone is still OK we will wait till Monday June 22, 2015 to induce.

Seasons come and go just like the seasons of life. I feel Victor and I are both ready to see what this season of our life holds and how it plays out. There is still so much unknown for all 3 of us. I know I can’t keep Abel inside of me for forever, even though I wish I could. Life has to go on one way or another. God didn’t make time to stand still. It's just plain freakin’ scary though! It is a roller coaster of emotions. Abel has been such a fighter. He could throw us a major curve ball either way and come out showing this world who the boss really is!

Setting a date brings up emotions and calls for discussions, to be real and honest, these are more discussions that parents shouldn’t have to have- but we have to. We have no choice. We have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I believe in miracles: JESUS DID WALK ON WATER. Victor and I have had to open doors to conversations that I wish upon no parent. We have to at talk about it now so we have a little bit of an idea. Although, plans change, feelings change and decisions can change at any time; as much as we attempt to be prepared we still do not know.

It is not easy.

As we try to be good partners and parents and discuss our son, his future, our wishes, wants and what is best for our family our hearts just… it’s not just a breaking heart it is like someone is just slowly shredding your heart to pieces one layer at a time. They take it and squeeze it and ring it and shred it and tear it and cut it into a million little pieces. And yet after this excruciating throb in your chest you still have to wipe away the tears and come to some kind of conclusion of how you will survive and still find the strength to go on.

Victor and I tried to discuss our thoughts of Abel. It’s not easy. I just don’t know. Victor just doens't know.  WE don't know. I know what my wishes are for me when I pass but it is different to make these plans for your unborn child. As much as I thought I could relate my wishes to my child's they do not compare there is almost no relevance for the other. I don’t know what is right. I don’t know what I should do or what is best for my son and my family. He is only 39 WEEKS old how can I possible know? These aren’t just go with the flow questions and answers, once we make the decisions we have to live with the results and answers for the rest of our lives. How do I do that? Where does this strength, knowledge and peace come from? I know the answer is God. I know God will provide us with peace and comfort, knowledge and strength, love and compassion… all the answers we need in time… but having it, finding it, knowing it; that can all be another battle.

As my heart is being ripped out of my chest in slow motion and the tears stream down my face Victor just holds me and Abel close and we cry together because that is all we can do at this moment; is be there for each other, as a family of 3. Now catch this; this little 39 week old baby sure enough starts kicking on the side so his daddy can feel him. Victor felt the kicks before I even did. Abel is amazing! He is in there and he is fighting and wow what a strong little boy. He feels and knows the pain of our hearts but DANG he already has so much personality and fight. It isn’t his job to reassure us HE is going to be OK or that WE will be OK but he does so in his own way every time we seem to need it most. Maybe it’s God? Maybe it is Abel? Maybe it is both? But it is amazing and a blessing and such a miracle! How can I give up faith on miracles when we have witnessed so many big and small in the last 12 weeks- really 39 weeks because babies, no matter what, are miracles.

The thought of the day of is scary. There are lots of questions and planning that we feel we should do. Every parent plans their babies arrival and big day, we are just having to plan a little differently. Abel has fought so hard and so much I want the world to meet this courageous little boy. But is the world ready for this little boy? Are we going to be strong enough to share him no matter what with any part of the world? He is my son. He is part of Victor and me. How will he look? Will the world think he is as beautiful and wonderful and as perfect I do? Do we need to protect the world and family from him? Can they see his beauty? How will Victor and I emotionally be? These are things we have to talk about and prepare for. And then again we have no freakin clue! He is still a baby. He is my baby. This isn’t his fault and I don’t feel that he should suffer or lose any of the “normal” excitement any other baby would get. This isn’t his fault, he can’t help it. I get maybe it is moments just for family, close family. But my baby, Abel, deserves all the love and commotion and excitement as any other baby. And selfishly so do Victor and I- the question just comes to can we handle it? Do we want it?

...And then I also think: this is just his shell, just like I will only leave my shell behind... Yet I want the world to meet this beautiful wonderful miracle of a little boy!

But I guess until these moments are here; yet again, we do not know.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Philippians 4:6

Miracles happen: JESUS DID WALK ON WATER. Abel could come out fighting and beat all odds and all these questions and tears could be useless. Abel is a fighter and his mommy and daddy and all the doctors will give him all the tools needed to do whatever his little self can do! You know when Abel comes out fighting and surprises us all we will be flabbergasted and have to pick our jaws up from the ground. I wait for this moment. I pray for this moment.

I pray for God’s will.

There has been so much unknown. I like to plan and have all my little ducks in a row. But you know in the last 9 months those ducks are all over the freakin' place. I have had to trust God and learn to take one day at a time. I have had to learn to stop and smell the roses and actually enjoy them. I don’t necessarily think God had to go to the extreme with Abel to teach me this lesson but because of Abel I know it. I have learned to stop and enjoy moments with my son. I have learned to be still. When I am still I experience God’s miracles. As I write this and read out loud Abel reminds me he is with me, another blessing and miracle. I really think in the last couple of weeks he has been more active, maybe space is tighter or maybe he is already an attention seeker, either way I will take it! I have learned when my husband needs me, to be there, no questions no wondering mind. Chores and errands can wait but Victor cannot. I don't have to do the dishes or clean the house or go to Target. I have learned and will continue to learn to be the wife and partner that Victor, my husband and partner deserves and longs for.  I shouldn’t and can’t think of all the other things I could be doing but be still and be in the moment. I am right where I need to be when I need to be there. That is also God's doing. Things are what they are, it is what it is; I don’t have to out-do myself but enjoy the moments because that is what makes life so grand! I believe this lesson will stick with me for life and I hope it does. I hope when I have little babies running around, Abel and the others, I take the extra second to wipe a runny nose or say “I love you” and enjoy the duties of motherhood instead of hurrying through them. Just like seasons of life they only last so long.

I don’t remember life before Abel. I don’t want to imagine life without Abel.

Our lives will change for forever when Abel comes into this world. They already have. Abel will change our world. We just don’t know how yet…

All in God's BIG Plan

Recently I have wondered why my path has taken the journey that it has. I have questioned “if I wasn’t as strong of a woman as I am would I be faced with such hard decisions?” “If I wasn’t me, would Victor be in the situations that he has been in?” “If I didn’t have the outlooks that I have how would I survive this trial?” (As I write this I realize I was playing that “what if” game… this is why we don’t play the game)

I asked my dad some of these questions one night and he just chuckled at me and as he chuckled at me I realized I was being crazy. God had a plan for me before my parents knew of me. From day 1 He has been preparing me for this journey. Today what I face with Abel, this pregnancy, the choices, seem to be the hardest thing ever but to be honest I cannot tell you it is not preparing me for something else; good or bad. God had been working on me for the past 31 years for TODAY… For this.

My glass is always full, not ½ full, not ½ empty but full and over flowing. Sometimes yes, I have to adjust my way of looking at my glass but I am blessed. It has taken me time to see my glass as always full but that’s how it is now and that’s what matters. God has helped my eyesight and perspective over time to see things as blessings and find the good in all. That is me. That is how God has shaped me and made me. 

For we are God's master piece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so we can do the good things He has planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:10

I am strong. I do not take defeat. I do not quite. I don’t cry over spilt milk. Some people laugh at this motto “can’t cry over spilt milk”. But what good does it do to sit there and just cry. I am not saying I do not cry or have not cried over Abel. In fact, I have cried more in the past couple months than I have in years. Crying is good; it’s good for the soul and heart. Sometimes your heart just hurts and there is nothing else to do but just cry. There have been days I cry and sulk and getting out of bed is even hard… but in time I get back up and get going. I put on my big girl pants and carry on. This is how I work and have worked for a while. God got me to this point, God built me like this. He got me here through other trials and tribulations which at that time seemed probably to be the hardest thing ever. Abel did not need a mommy that sulked and allowed life to stop for the next 20+ weeks. Abel needed a mommy to cheer him on and make the most of what they did have. God choose me for Abel, He knows what I was capable of. Victor also needed me to put on my big girl pants and lead the way. God knows the fight in me just as much as He knows the fight in Abel. I was Victor’s cheerleader during his surgery, I stayed strong for him. That was what he needed. At times things got tough and I wanted to quit but I couldn’t and I didn’t. God was preparing me for what was to come.

I just have to think and realize that God knows me; He knows my soul and my heart and my true self. He has bestowed life lessons upon me that help me through each day, whether it be today and this journey or the next.

I have always had a very positive outlook of death. I am not afraid. I know where I am going and I look forward to the day God calls me home. I have always had the opinion that when I am done with my body to give it away, donate it, give it to others so that they may enjoy this wonderful gift called “LIFE”. Give my parts to people that can use me, whether it is donation of organs to the sick, my brain to science or my hair to a needy cancer patient, give as much of me as they will take. I don’t need this body, it is only a shell. Donate all of me and give the gift of life to someone else. I look forward to the day this body can help someone else, I have always felt very strongly about this. I think giving my shell to someone else to give them ‘life’, or a standard of life, or their family more time with them is the ultimate gift and to be honest I look forward to that day I get to make that contribution. I just think that it is an amazing opportunity.

I never thought I would have to face these same choices, regarding my children or my unborn baby. That being said, I know the desires of my heart and the gift of life. Through this journey I am positive that Abel will give back to the world one way or another. My outlook for my life and my ‘shell’ is now affecting the way I/we; Victor and myself, look at our baby and current situation. Today, we do not know what Abel will be able to give or how he will give but if he can give anything he will. I hope at the least he can provide information about Urethra Blockage. This is also why we share our story, it is the least we can give and do for our son. This being said we cannot forget: “Jesus did walk on water” and miracles do happen. Abel may give to others in ways I cannot even grasp today. It is all in God’s plan...

When Victor and I went to Cincinnati and the doctors gave us their findings Victor and I were also on the same page regarding standard of life. Victor and I have enjoyed life so much in so many ways. God has shown us so many wonderful moments in life and we strive to enjoy it all to the very fullest. Because we love God and life we want that same for our children. God has worked 31 years on me; He was worked 33 years on Victor so that we could make the right decisions for our son for his future and his life. To each their own in their decisions for their children I am not here to judge one way or another. God has worked on us our entire lives to get us to this point and this is the right point for us.

God knew me before the world knew me. God knew my plan and he has worked on me from day 1 to prepare me for today. Today he prepares me for tomorrow. It is just amazing to think of, it’s astonishing. It really is such a big plan, a big picture that He has planned out accordingly and ever so detailed. God had a plan for me; God continues to have a plan. I am strong because of yesterday and because God has given me the strength. I shouldn’t question His plans but thank Him for preparing me and walking with me every step of the way.

Butterfly effect: “In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in s large differences in a later state.”

Just take a second to think of the small things that have happened to you to get you where you are… God planned that…

God made me just the way He intended me to be. He knows my heart. He knows what I am capable of with Him. Some days it sucks and maybe it sucks to be strong but I would be nothing without Him. I am glad He has prepared me for today. He has prepared me with baby steps and not just thrown me to the lions. My faith has grown over time; I have learned to trust in Him more and more. He has given me strength and shown me peace. He has given me love, acceptance, and comfort. He has given me a life partner that compliments me. Victor and I have done this together; God has prepared us each for our journey in His own way. God has done everything He can to help me and Victor succeed together and as individuals and kick butt in this situation. That’s what I am going to do, that's what we are going to do… no mopping, no crying over spilt milk- just kicking butt and takin’ names!

After all, it is all in God’s plan.