So this brings us to 2014... now our 3rd
year of trying to grow our family. In January we started Clomid in hopes that
this would help us conceive. We did 5 or 6 months of trying this. That means
more temperature taking, scheduled sex and standing on your head (because of
course that might finally work). Clomid basically puts your
ovaries in overdrive. Which can mean horrible cramps, crazy hormones, hot
flashes, bloating, and heck add in some constipation, I mean this sounds fun right?!? I mean
think about it, usually your body works hard to drop one egg now your giving it
medicine to drop 2 or 3. Hello! That is some over working on your poor little body! And
don’t worry after just a couple months of the regular dose of Clomid the doctor doubled my dose. OMG this was rough! My belly button hurt, cramps kept me in
bed at times and Victor just had to watch out because I could go from friendly and
loving to psycho b**** in .5 seconds. I'll tell you; any woman that has to try to make a baby deserves a reward! It is tough, hard, demanding work and not cut out for the weak. But that being said mommas find strength that they never knew they had when they need it the most. Don't get me wrong carrying a child isn't necessarily easy work no matter what. (and this is where every woman out there thinks to themselves "this is why men don't do it)
In June we went and saw a fertility
specialist. He did his testing and told me to come back at the next cycle for
some more testing. I ended up going back in August due to his schedule and my cycles and he checked my tubes and told me the
news: if we wanted to get pregnant we would need fertility drugs. OH boy! Have
you ever priced those suckers!? They aren't cheap! For ONE month I needed to
order shots from London which were about $750 (so that I could give myself 1 shot each day of the cycle, that's 30 days= 30 shots), order another shot from Ohio for
about $100 (to take on a special day to help my egg drop when they doctors thought it was a good one), go through all the cycle stuff and them basically use a turkey
baster to help Victor’s swimmers meat my eggs that’s another $500. You do the
math… that’s $1350 a month! Don’t forget to factor in drive time, time missed
from work, co-pays and to be honest who knows what else. Because of course if you are spending this kind of money you are going to do everything possible to help increase your chances of success. That means special diets, vitamins, and whatever other shenanigans you may find out on the internet because it is all worth a try at this point. And by the way this is
for ONE month of trying. What happens if it doesn't work right away? How many
months can we afford this? Where do we say enough is enough? At what point do we draw the line not go bankrupt trying to make a family? I mean really that’s a lot of money
each month and I will be honest I don’t save money well at all… I might have a
bit of a shopping problem or maybe a shoe problem…
Not only that lets face it this is not the way any girl pictures her "romantic night" of conceiving her baby. We all dream of romance to some degree maybe not necessarily candle lit every time but some kind of love, affection and emotion not a turkey baster! Although, at this point you would think I would realize sex isn't always fun, or sexy for that matter. It can be a matter of business of doing the job and gettin 'er done! But realization and acceptance are two different things...
So back to this doctor’s appointment back in
August… Victor didn't go with me because I didn't think he needed to miss work.
I might have been wrong there? Sooner or later I will realize if I even consider that
he should be there- he should be. Lesson learned, again. So I left this doctors appointment a little heartbroken and a
little in shock and by myself (which kind of makes it even harder). I am not sure what I thought the doctor would say but I am not
sure I was ready for the reality that we couldn't do this on our own either.
I mean God made man and woman and told us to
procreate, why in the heck could we not procreate? Why did my women parts not
want to work like they should? We had done everything right as far as I was
concerned or knew. We got married. We bought our house to start a foundation
for a family. We waited to start a family until we believed we were both ready financially, mentally, maturity, and emotionally. I mean lets face it your never really ready but we thought we were as ready as we could ever be. We didn't jump on the “baby band
wagon” just because that was the cool thing all of our friends were doing. We
had enjoyed married life just the two of us and now we wanted to make it a
real family. We are in love and have a great relationship why in the heck couldn't
we have a family of our own on our own?
I told Victor what the doctor said and a rough
estimate of what kind of price tag we were looking at. I over estimated a
little and said $1500, might as well round up when you’re spending big bucks
right!? That way if it’s anything less then that you got a deal, right?!? We gave the
sticker shock some time to set in. I recruited my mom to help in some research
and to see what/if any other options there might
be…
One day at work I was driving to the bank and I
just started talking to God. We talked about the realization of these drugs I
“thought” I needed. The realization that maybe it was really just meant for
Victor and I to adopt. You see ever since I was young, like still lived in Texas
young, I have felt a calling for adoption. I remember watching an episode of 7th
Heaven and it had something to do with adoption and the next thing I knew I was
in tears. If you know me I am not a crier much less over a silly TV show. Since
then there have always been little pulls at my heart for the kids in need. I
just want to hug them all and give them all a chance. Victor didn't necessarily
feel the same way but he wasn't opposed to adoption. Now, when I say he didn't feel
the same way it is not that he is against the idea of adoption I just don’t feel like he
had the personal tug at this heart that I have had.(But then again maybe that's why he married me, to help see this calling?) He is open to adoption and it has
been an option that we have discussed.He wants a family and knows families come in different shapes and forms and is willing to do what he has to to have that family. It is a scary option but it is there. As
God and I talked about this my heart got a little heavy. I suddenly realized
that if we only adopted I would never see a little “Victor/Jessica” running
around. That realization kinda stung. To be honest it just really hurt, it was
a hit below the belt. It was a realization that I don’t think I had ever really
realized. I knew if this was God’s plan it would be o.k. we just needed to
realize and accept this with no hesitation. I NEVER questioned that if we
adopted that thebaby would be loved like our own no matter what. No questions there Victor has a heart of gold, I just want to love them all, and we both have wonderful families that would support us and whatever kind of family that meant. So as God and I
talked, He kinda “donked” me on the head. I just felt this peace. It was
God’s peace. I wasn't sad. I wasn't mad. I wasn't scared or worried. I was at
peace.
A couple days later I was getting ready for bed
and my sweet husband looked at me and with the sweetest voice said “if you give
me like a month I can save some money and we can try the fertility drugs, we
can try at least one month and take it from there”. That’s my sweet husband. He
wants a family. He wants to make his wife happy. He tries and he tries so hard.
But right then I looked at him confident and sure and said “it’s o.k”, he looked
confused; I said “it’s going to be o.k. Let’s wait until after the first of the year. I don’t want the added pressure while my family is here or during
the holidays. Not only that it will give us some time to pay some bills and
open up cash for the shots if we really need them.” Like I said he was confused
he kept saying “are you sure?” I was positive and confident. Like I said God
had given me such a peace an overall peace that He was in control. Victor said o.k and that was that.
I was taking on a new perspective of life and this was the beginning, I wasn't going to sweat the small stuff anymore. God was in control- of it ALL and we were going to enjoy our lives to the fullest!
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