3rd Trimester!

HELLO 3^rd trimester! We are excited to say we are 28 weeks today!

*Abel is a little over 2.11 pounds (that was the 2 week’s ago, to be honest) He is about the size of a head of cauliflower now.*

*Abel likes donuts, black cherry Kool-aid and milk.*

*Abel is a morning baby, like his daddy. We can feel him the most in the morning. He likes to tell me to "wake up mom" and remind me he is still in there!*
*Today Abel really liked pot-roast, another trait like his daddy. Today's pot-roast got him all kinds of crazy in there! (A special meal for Abel & Victor to celebrate today's milestone.)*

* Abel likes to hang out down low in mom’s belly REAL low ALL the time*

*Mom’s back, hips, and legs are starting to hurt on a regular basis and her belly is getting bigger- way bigger. Sleeping is becoming more of a task than the pleasure she once thought it to be. Mom feels great though and is enjoying every moment of pregnancy.*

I am blessed so very blessed!

This day is a little bitter sweet… While some doctors didn't think we would see an extra 10 days we can tell them they were wrong! 11 weeks later we are still truckin' along! What do they know anyways? I’m just kidding… it’s not their fault they didn't know the fight that our little boy had in him. And it's not their fault that they didn't know the power of prayer or the miracles that God performs everyday! I am glad they didn't know. But we know, we know first hand!

We are so blessed to celebrate today with Abel so that is what we are going to do. CELEBRATE!! We will continue to cheer Abel on. He is doing so great in my belly (and I will pat myself on the back too, my body is doing great doing what it needs to do for this baby.) Abel is a fighter. He has got some of his momma in him (I will take credit for that- haha)

When I originally started writing this post I think I let myself get more scared than I should be. Any first time mom has got to have some fear about child birth, and I do, that is understood. But more than that I was letting fear, negativity, sadness, and  anxiousness, of the future take over. Today is not the day for any of that. Today is a day of praise and thanksgiving. Thank you Lord for seeing us all this far; thank you for giving Abel the fight he needs, thank you for giving Victor and I the fight we need.

                When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3

My baby is inside of me growing, kicking and moving. I feel him. He wants me to know he is in there and I cherish these movements and moments more than anyone can imagine. When Abel gives me a good kick or punch I just have to smile and say some sweet words to my sweet little baby. Abel's movements and love are an indescribable joy. I realize these moments may be the only chance I have to feel my baby alive, these can be bitter-sweet moments.  But more than anything it makes my heart warm and makes me smile I will welcome a good punch or tap from Abel any time any day. Right now this is Abel's way of communicating with me that he is in there growing like every other little boy! The bigger he gets and farther along we go the more I feel him; the more Victor gets to feel his son. Abel wants to make sure his daddy knows he is in there fighting. There are some mornings I swear Abel is in there doing jumping-jax and back flips so his daddy can witness the life, love and feistiness in HIS little boy. This is a prayer answered by God that He continues to answer for us. Family moments= they're  priceless. This is a silver lining in the possible unknown.

Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Today is not the day to start questioning God’s plan and neither is tomorrow. Yes, we have reached a true milestone and we do not know what the next 12 weeks hold, but today is not the day to find out. God will prepare us for what tomorrow brings. That is tomorrow. Not today. Today we celebrate!

I will not let today be bittersweet but just sweet. As Abel's mommy and daddy we will celebrate with him. We will enjoy today and rejoice in the milestones we have reached. 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

A Beautiful Day

This past weekend was BE-A-UTIFUL!

This post is a little out of order of events but this weekend was so pretty I can’t help but share. And we all need some happy stories and days!

Victor and I got up early to have breakfast with his Mammaw and Papaw at Cracker Barrel. That was a sweet treat! It is always special to see Mammaw and Papaw but sometimes it is special to have them all to yourself. It doesn't matter how old you get love from Mammaws and Papaws is special and needs special attention! It has been a while since we have seen them between life and work and everything else. So breakfast was great and we enjoyed our special date!

I was ready to come home and be productive- that can be dangerous! Well my sweet wonderful husband put on his “work pants” as well and got on board to help! I’m pretty sure this wasn't how he wanted to spend this pretty Saturday but he also didn't want his pregnant wife doing all the work or for that matter throwing anything of his away. Haha We de-cluttered and Victor took a few loads to the dump. I was starting to feel better about ‘getting things in order’.

After one of Victor’s trips to the dump I started thinking… I wasn't sure what I could do around the house or what crazy pill I took but I wanted things done. I think (I am pretty sure) this is me nesting.

~As I write this my little baby Abel is in my belly tapping me to know he is in there. He is a happy baby, I believe! Victor even got to feel a big ol’ movement this morning! Both our eyes lit up when Abel made my whole belly move! These are the special moments, the ones we cherish and can't get enough of.~

Our sweet little Pepper enjoying the
sun & her ball!
(those are all the limbs I dragged in the background too) 

So I came to the realization I was nesting. Don’t judge here, but we are not preparing a nursery like most excepting parents. Our future is unknown right now. If/ when Abel does get to come home it will be different than other circumstances. We will figure things out then. God will provide. Right now we have more fun things to enjoy and do than prepare a nursery. Like today- we cleaned! Our house is still in the works. We have lots of projects to do. So when Victor got back I apologized and gave him his heads up that I was pretty sure I was nesting and since I didn't have any projects I could do I was going to work on this house! This also meant he was probably going to be doing most of the work because they are all big projects, like gutting the downstairs or clearing the back yard. Love my sweet husband he just smiled and said OK. (I know it’s not as OK with him as he portrayed in that smile. Victor likes his weekends and he likes to do things on his own time. But here again he is a supportive dad and husband.)

That belly is Abel not the pizza :)

So after a bunch of trash had been taken off we did some yard work. Victor was pretty hesitant in me helping he didn't want me to hurt or over-do myself. I wasn't quitting. I wasn't going to let him do the work and have all the fun; I am the one that wanted to be productive after all. I dragged limbs to the back of the yard, one at a time. Victor cut some ugly bushes down and I dragged more limbs. It was a gorgeous day and we did well as a team! I was pretty proud of us!

We had pizza and enjoyed the pretty weather as a family!

Sunday came around and we got more family time! We have had so much going on that we haven’t really had a chance to see everyone since Thanksgiving or Christmas. (I didn't get to go to family Christmas because I wasn't feeling so well and didn't want to chance the flu at the time.) We went to his Aunt Linda and Uncle Steve’s for a cook out! It was such a gorgeous day! The guys smoked wings and family gathered; mom, dad, cousins, kids, brother, sisters, Mammaw & Papaw. Abel loved all the attention and love he was getting! I like him being around familiar voices. I think it’s good for him. I don’t know if he really knows what people are saying or not but I like him having as much family/friend time as possible; being surrounded by love.  I like to think the voices help him. I tell him he is loved and supported by many but maybe it is nice for him to hear it sometimes for himself. And heck anything besides mine and Victor’s voice should be entertaining for Abel.

We cooked out, played with kids and enjoyed the day. I watched Victor with the kids… it warmed my heart. He is such a good daddy and will continue to make the best daddy ever! He blew bubbles, he drew with chalk, he played like he was a kid- he really still is all boy at heart!

It was a beautiful Saturday! Abel enjoyed all his adventures and his family time! These are the days we long for!

Giving it ALL to God

So we headed home…

God had prepared us for what was to come. Little did we know how He would also carry us when we needed Him most…

We knew we had options and decisions to make. Victor and I both knew we didn't want Abel to suffer. We didn't want to be selfish. We didn't want our baby hooked up to tubes and machines all his life, that’s not what we would want, so why would we make our baby have that life? He is too little to choose or have a say but we have to make decisions that are best for him as well as us.

Victor kept telling me it was up to me what we did next. He said this not because he didn't care but because he believed it was my body, my choice. I had to tell him, “no that’s not how this works. It is my body but it is OUR baby." Together we had to come to an agreement on what steps we would or would not take next.

I did tell Victor through the tears and frustration (I wasn't frustrated at him but at the fact I had no clue what to do. I didn't know as Abel’s mommy what was best for Abel. What was best for our family? What was right? I was frustrated because there was no right or wrong. There wasn't a Google answer or a book to tell me the outcome if I choose option A verse option B or visa-versa. This wasn't something I could call daddy for to get his advice or opinion. There wasn't anyone that could direct me in the right direction; except for God. And I wasn't hearing his answer as fast as I thought I should be. I feel that Victor probably felt the same way or similar in his frustrations.) : So I told Victor “I don’t know what we are supposed to do. I don’t know what is next. I don’t know anything right now. I do know I cannot terminate. I cannot play God like that. Termination is the only thing that guarantees us a known outcome but I cannot play God. I cannot end any and all chances for Abel. I can’t do that. But we have to be on the same page for that, because termination is the only guaranteed answer.” Victor agreed with no hesitation. We were on the same page here, we were in agreement, we were being parents.

Well ok, we have one option off the list out of many… 

However, we both had to realize by us not terminating anything can happen. We had to put all our trust in God one way or the other. God could take Abel before we were ready. God could perform a miracle. God could bring Abel into this world and we could have a baby that needs special attention for the rest of his life. God could give us Abel for minutes or years. We have to trust God and His plan. Victor and I had to accept this. We had and have to trust God. And some days we have to remember and remind each other this is God’s plan- WE WILL BE OK.

Victor and I also did not feel that tubes and poking and prying were right for us or our baby. That being said we were still a little on the fence to whether or not we wanted to try and drain the bladder. If we drained the bladder it only took some pressure off of Abel for a temporary period and would allow us to see if the kidneys were still working. They could also do more chromosome testing to ensure that wasn't an underlying issue. 

If we drained the bladder were we just prolonging the inevitable? Would we be faced with harder decisions and choices next? When would we say enough was enough?

That Wednesday after we got back was a hard day. Victor and I had both taken the day off to get our minds and hearts put together again, after the past couple of days we felt like Humpty Dumpty that fell off the wall. We still needed to talk and make our final decisions. We needed each other and we needed time to communicate on our own terms. We did not need to be rushed.

I called Mel in Cincinnati again and asked some more questions. I called Teresa at Ft. Sanders and asked more questions. Both these ladies were wonderful, understanding and compassionate.

Chromosome testing could be done after Abel was brought into this world. That answered Victor’s major question and concerns about draining the bladder now. Draining the bladder was only a temporary fix, if the kidneys were still working which we believed they were the bladder would just fill back up.

Victor and I talked off and on for a while that Wednesday morning. We talked to God, we talked to Him together, we talked to Him on our own. We talked to each other. We were searching for the right answers and the peace that we hoped to come with those answers. 

I don’t know how we did it. I don’t know where the strength came from. I don’t know the exact moment.  But Victor and I decided together this was all in God’s hands. We were not going to intervene. We threw our hands up and gave Abel. His bladder. Our family. EVERYTHING to God.

This was not us throwing in the towel. This was us making the hardest decision we have ever made in our lives and probably ever would. This was us being parents. This was us being grown-ups. This was us being mature and totally unselfish. This was us giving everything we ever wanted and worked for all to God.

Like I said I don’t know how we came to that life changing moment. But let’s be honest- it was God. He was taking care of Victor and I. So I looked at Victor and said “ok, that’s it.” And that was that…

I turned to walk away, like life was supposed to just go on normal now that we just made the biggest hardest decision ever and I broke, I broke into tears. My knees went weak and my whole inside was suddenly sick and it took everything I had in me to get back to Victor’s arms. (As I write this it’s the hardest moment to relive. Hardest seconds of my life.) At that moment I felt like my baby had just been taken away from me before I ever got him. Stolen right from my arms, right from inside of me. My gut was being ripped out. Like it was ALL just done. Just done. I walked back to Victor in tears I couldn't get to his arms fast enough. Words were not needed. He felt the same breakage to his heart that I was feeling. (I will be honest this was a very intimate moment I feel like. I only share this because I hope as our story continues you will see/hear God’s grace and love. I am also SO thankful for the wonderful husband and partner God has given me. We could not survive this without the other. We know that.) Victor held me so tight. We cried, we balled. Broken hearts don’t even describe the feeling we felt. Our entire being and world seemed to crumble in those few minutes. If this was right why did it hurt so bad? As much as everything crumbled around us we knew we were making the right decisions. Beyond the pain there was peace we just couldn't feel it or see it in those moments of grief. As we grieved God’s hands and peace found us. We were able to pick ourselves back up and carry on a little. This day was still hard. Our hearts were heavy. We were sad. But God was working on us and our family.

Wednesday finally came to an end and we went to bed…

I was going to go back to work Thursday and so was Victor but sleep didn't seem to come so easy Wednesday night. Thursday morning we woke up late and laid in bed just enjoying the others company.

Let me remind you up to this point I was not sure if I had felt Abel move. I’m a first time mom there is a lot going on in this growing belly and the little flutters I have felt I am not sure it was Abel or gas or things growing. Because of the lack of fluid around Abel it is harder for him to move too, so the fact that I was 20 weeks and not feeling Abel a whole lot did not surprise doctors.

I will be very honest: I did not know what was going on with my baby or how long we would have him. I kept praying that I would have a definite sign and know for sure when I really felt Abel. Even more my prayer to God for weeks had been that Victor could share in this joy. I wanted Victor to feel Abel so bad. I prayed this prayer for days and weeks. I wanted Victor to feel as close to Abel as possible. I wanted him to know his baby inside me. I wanted… I wanted Victor to experience the good things of being an expecting daddy. I wanted him to feel the joy. I wanted him know how real and alive Abel really was inside me.

God is GREAT! Thursday morning as we lay in bed Abel moved! I grabbed Victor’s hand and he felt Abel. Abel was there alive and kicking! They were big kicks! God and Abel were making sure we knew it was Abel in there! Priceless moments! Prayers answered! It may sound like a small prayer for some but this was huge! It was a miracle! Tears of joy! Praise God! 

God hears our prayers. 

Day 2...

Today started even earlier at 7 am with an MRI. There is something special about being 31 and visiting a children’s hospital… the nurses at a children’s hospital are just a little nicer; somehow I think they smile a little more. They offer you treats and juice every time you do a good job and I was doing my best! Since I was at a kid’s hospital I got movie goggles for the MRI. So into the long tunnel Abel and I went, we got to watch Sleeping Beauty. (One of my all time favorites!) The nurses that did the MRI were very nice and compassionate. Granted being 31 I probably made their job a little easier than usual. And after we were done I got apple juice and crackers!

After the MRI Victor and I had a little time to kill so I got some breakfast and took a little nap; Victor had already had breakfast while I was getting the MRI. He really was a trooper during all these visits. I know Abel is just as much his baby as mine but I have to be there, I have no choice; they need me to see Abel. I know there is no other place that Victor would rather be than there with Abel and me, but I am just saying he was extremely supportive, compassionate and understanding. I mean all these doctor visits were just as draining for him as they were for me. He did a great job taking care of me and Abel. (I am not sure he gets enough credit all the time, so a special shout out to my great husband- YOU’RE GREAT!)

We also had an appointment for an ECHO, this was to check out the baby’s heart in more detail than we had previously done. We had a really good looking doctor but I don’t remember his name… so he came in and said Abel’s heart looked good, it was strong! The right side was a little thicker but that was probably just because it was working so hard. There was also a little fluid around the heart but that was common in babies with keyhole bladders. Nothing really to worry about but the doctor felt like Abel’s heart was good. This is a great sign! Just more proof for all the doctors that our Abel is a fighter that he is strong!

We hung out around the hospital for a while and then we met with Michelle the genetics counselor. She asked the same questions I feel like we had been asked a million times already but we answered them all again. She did not feel that like this was a chromosome issue from all her questions and previous testing and once again we were told there was nothing we could have done differently.  These doctors keep telling us that like it’s a comfort, but it really isn't. I almost wish they could tell me I did something wrong at least then I might know the why or how. At least if they told me I did “this” there would be a place for blame. At least if I knew how or why this happened then I could make sure not to do the same thing again in the future. But it’s not that easy… there is no place for blame, there is no reason why… it just is…

After we talked to Michelle we met Dr. Goldstein, he is a nephrology doctor, a fancy title for kidney doctor. He couldn't make it to the team meeting so he sat down with us before hand. I thought that was really nice that he took the time to meet with us and answer any questions we might have for him specifically. We looked at pictures from the MRI to see the kidneys in more detail than we have before… no real good news here though. There is significant damage to the left kidney, it is still working but there is a lot of damage. The right kidney is starting to show damage as well. Although there is evident damage to the kidneys there is no way to know the extent of the damage until Abel gets here. Dr. Goldstein could pretty much guarantee that Abel would need dialysis the question would just be when. You only need 1 kidney to survive, one of Abel’s was pretty much shot but whether or not the other would function once he was here could be questionable. So it comes down to if Abel’s 1 kidney could last him a couple of years or not, but like I said there was no way to tell right now. This is a big “IF”. If Abel does not have a functioning kidney when he is born then he will have to have dialysis. This is a procedure that we could learn to do from home. Abel would get hooked up to a machine each night for at least 10 hours to clean his system of all the toxins, at least while he is little. The doctor said babies usually slept through it all just fine, it was mom and dad that lost sleep because the machine would alarm and we would have to adjust it usually a couple times a night. They would teach Victor and me how to care for Abel and his special needs. If Abel did not have functioning kidneys he would need a transplant. The only thing is we couldn't even start to think about transplants until Abel was 2. There is a good chance that Victor or I would be able to give Abel a kidney if needed but this would be 2 years down the road.  A transplant usually only last about 14 years at best that means Abel would need another 1 or 2 later on in his life. Kids get pushed to the top of transplant list but what would happen as Abel got older? If you are fortunate enough to get a transplant you also have to take a lot of medicine to keep your body from rejecting the new kidney. Dr. Goldstein was giving us a lot to think about and a lot to process.  He was a really great doctor and full of information. He was patient and helped answer questions we hadn't even thought of. He was honest, we needed that.

After our meeting with Dr. Goldstein it was time for our big “round table discussion”. I was and am still amazed at how wonderful everyone at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital was. Brenda and Bobby went to this meeting with us. We knew it was going to be a lot of information and we welcomed the extra ears and parental support. We seriously sat down to a big round table with everyone; we had a fetal Care Coordinator, Judith Hostiuck; Dr. Foong-Yen, the Surgical Director (he would oversee any surgery); Dr. Van Hook, Maternal-fetal Medicine Director; Dr. Kenny, of Neonatology (he over see’s the after care of special babies); Dr. Reddy, Director of Pediatric Urology (he is the kidney surgeon), plus Mel, Erin, Michelle and a 4^th year intern plus a couple assistance of the doctor’s. I mean we really felt like the red carpet had been rolled out for us, then again this was the most important meeting of our lives as far as Victor and I were concerned. Dr. Foong-Yen spoke first; he talked about the results that all the doctors had found. He then showed us the MRI pictures again and we talked about the damage that already appeared very evident to the kidneys. Then Dr. Van Hook spoke. He told us about a procedure using a shunt that could be inserted into Abel’s bladder to help it drain. This would drain the fluid from the bladder and put it back into the baby’s sack which would increase the amniotic fluid. Dr. Van Hook even got a shunt out and showed us how it works. Most pregnancies require 2-4 shunts because they get clogged, break, baby pulls them out, and things just go wrong. Then Dr. Kenny spoke. The information Dr. Kenny shared with us was hard. I think his information is what started to break me personally. He discussed the after care of Abel. LOTS and LOTS of “what ifs”. How the medical staff would take care of Abel. What would be required of Victor and me. How Abel’s life could and would be affected. How our life as Abel’s parents would change. What we could do, what we could not do, as Abel’s parents we had all the power to make all the decisions and could stop at any point. That is a lot of “power”, it is a heavy weight and it is a lot to decide and take in for anyone. Then Dr. Reddy came in (he was late getting to the meeting) he discussed the surgery of the kidney’s if Abel made it and what would be required of Abel, Victor and I. His information was kind of like the straw on the camel’s back that broke it. His information was great, he was wonderful; they all were. They more they talked the more we listened, the more we asked questions the more they answered. Dr. Reddy drew these pictures of what a normal bladder looks like and what Abel’s looks like. Dr. Reddy at one point made a comment that there was a good change Abel would never be able to be around other kids because of fear of infection. OUCH! It came down to a lot of holes and tubes and what ifs…

What good kidneys and a normal bladder look like

What Abel's kidneys and swollen bladder look like
The little circles on the kidneys are the damage, possible cyst
You can also see the ureters (how the pee travels) have been stretched and damaged along with the collecting system (pelvis)

As I write this my heart breaks… these are just words but it is hard to relive…

Bottom line…

These doctors could only do what they can do; science can only take Abel so far. God is in control. Victor and I did not feel that any of the options the doctors could give us would provide our son with a healthy standard of living. They provided us with a way to keep Abel here on earth with us, but that doesn't mean it would be fair or right for Abel. Abel is God’s son first, God gave him to me and Victor to care for while here on earth and that is what we will do. We could not be selfish. We will not be selfish; as hard as that is at times we can not and will not, that's not what good parents do. This is not about Victor or I; it is about Abel. We had to and have to think about what is best for our baby, for our son, for God's son.

We were ready to get out of Cincinnati… we knew we still had some decisions to make but we were ready to get home. We were at a loss. We were broken.

We headed back to Knoxville...

Day 1

Being honest: I have been putting the next 2 or 3 blog entries off. They seem harder to relive and write than I had originally thought they would be. The two days in Cincinnati were full of information. They were emotionally, mentally and physically draining and quite over whelming.  

So apologies in advance if these post are long or ramble. There was a lot going on and I just want to be as honest as I can as I write this for you and me.

Day 1…

Monday started early. I gave Abel a small pep talk for the day, we needed him to be in the best position for all the doctors. I tried to tell him as much as I knew about the day that was coming. I didn't want him to be scared but informed of what was going on. I didn't know a whole lot and didn't know the details of what the day was going to bring.  He needed to know his mommy and daddy were trying and there were doctors that were trying to help him as well. Victor said a prayer that morning and we got the day started…

We had a doctor’s appoint at 9a.m. with Dr. Van Hook, the Maternal-Fetal Medicine Director.  This was when we would get our sonogram and check out the baby. It was the first appointment of many and where the information started flowing in. We proceeded with our sonogram; Abel still had a heart beat, which is always a plus! To be honest though everything on the screen looked the same to us, black and white and still a big keyhole bladder. The lady doing the sonogram didn't talk much but you could tell she was focusing and working hard to get the best images possible.

After the sonogram Dr. Van Hook came in, he was nice and honest. He told us “I am not going to say that is the largest bladder in the world but it is very large.” Our poor little baby. Dr. Van Hook also told us that it was kind of hard to get good images of the baby because of lack of fluid around him. This is where sometimes they inject you with amniotic fluid to help get better pictures. However Dr. Van Hood did not think it would help that much. There are some risks when injecting the amniotic fluid; like I could have a reaction to it. Dr. Van Hook did not feel by adding the fluid would make that big of a difference either. The fluid is only a temporary fix and since I am not that big of a girl he didn't feel the risk was worth it, I understood and appreciated him not putting my health at risk.

After Dr. Van Hook’s we headed over to Children’s Hospital. Have you ever been to the Atlanta Airport? This hospital looked to run on a tighter ship than the airport. It was all color coated and huge! Everyone had a job and they knew exactly where to go, what to do and how. They were not messing around here! It was so organized it did give you a since of comfort, surly if they ran a hospital this well and organized they had to be the best of the best to care for my baby.  There were so many people coming and going, it was crazy! Being at Children’s started to break my heart. There were all these sick kids; sick or disabled, they looked happy but it hurt my heart. All of a sudden it was becoming reality that anyone of these kids could be my baby. I could be that mom making these weekly trips to the doctor’s office to help my baby 5, 10, 15 years later. I wondered if these kids were truly happy. Where they glad to be here in this world? Did they mind that each day was a struggle? How did they survive each day? Did they mind being different? How did the moms feel? Knowing what they know now and where they were would they make the same decisions? How did mom cope with this daily? My heart just broke and reality was setting in, if these doctors could save my baby would I be one of these moms? Would Abel be one of these kids?

Not that being one of these special needs kids is anything bad. We all pray for healthy children, I understand this prayer. Ironic thing is when Victor and I found out we were pregnant everyone made comments about praying for a healthy baby. I heard “prayers for a healthy baby” a lot and I started to wonder why everyone says this, like they only want healthy babies. At some point I asked my mom why everyone said this; even if you didn't have a healthy baby wouldn't you still love it anyways? Shouldn't you just be grateful that God choose you to be this baby’s mom and dad? Shouldn't you just be grateful for a baby? Maybe I was being naive and blind because I didn't know my baby was sick. I didn't truly know the strength of this prayer. I was just glad to have a baby after all these years. Maybe that was me being selfish? I also understand we want the best for our babies. We want healthy babies, babies that can run and play and enjoy life to its fullest. Life is a wonderful gift and we want our babies to enjoy and know this gift. But do babies or children that face daily struggles still know this wonderful gift of life? Do they maybe know it even better than you and I because they know their life was truly a gift and can be a daily struggle? Do you and I maybe take our daily life for granted a little more because it is so easy? I didn't mean to rant here… I just saw all these children of all ages that I knew lived differently day to day than I had ever imagined. My heart hurt. I wondered what the future held for my baby Abel. I wondered how I would cope, how Victor would cope and how we would teach Abel to cope and survive and make the best of everyday. 

At Children’s we met with Mel, the nurse that was overseeing our case. We chatted with her for a while in this little room. She asked us each questions about our personal health history, about our doctor visits up till then, and let us ask questions. We talked about Abel and how he was being affected. Somehow in this conversation it was brought to my attention there was NO amniotic fluid around Abel. NONE. What little had been in there had now been used. There was nothing I could do personally as Abel’s mom to change this. This hurt. Somewhere, somehow in this conversation Victor also asked about what happens afterwards for Abel if the doctors did feel like they could help. Would Abel’s bladder be normal?  The answer was NO, Abel would have to have a catheter. WHAT THE HELL? HELLO!?! This was a slap in the face and a huge realization. This hurt. Up until this point no one had mentioned the possibilities of how Abel would or could be affected if he could make it into the world. My heart broke for my baby. A catheter? Old people use catheters. The bladder is a muscle. Abel’s little bladder had been stretched beyond its max over the past couple of weeks and it would never go back to a “normal” size. Since Abel’s bladder was so large even if we could empty it the muscles would still remain stretched and therefore the bladder would never fill appropriately like yours and mine or would it be able to empty correctly. Think about a balloon; you have a balloon and blow it up. When you let the air out the balloon is all wrinkly and never takes the “normal” shape again that it once had. Abel’s bladder is the same way, a wrinkly little balloon inside my baby that would never take back its meant to be shape.  This was a harsh awakening. My heart was broken. I was over today and ready to leave; to go home and crawl into bed but I couldn't.

After our visit with Mel we met Erin she was our social worker.  The title social worker kind of scares someone but she was/is more of a resource. She was full of information about the hospital and town. She offered information about staying in Cincinnati and how her services could help us if we had to have extended stays. After our meeting with Erin we were done for the day. I was ready to run out of this place. My heart was broken. I was overwhelmed with information and tons of “What ifs”. I wanted to run out of Children’s, wherever I seemed to look there were kids I just wanted to hug and ask questions. I wanted to know them and their story. I wanted to know how their story ended or carried on. As much as I wanted to know all this I wanted out of there as well. My heart was breaking for my own baby for my own family. I couldn't even begin to process the information that I was just given or imagine how the days to come would carry on.

We got back to the hotel and I went to bed. I was broken. I wept. I was mad at God. I was hurt. I yelled at God. I was mad at life. I was mad at doctors. I was scared. There were no words to describe my feelings. I hurt in ways I never imagined. My heart broke into millions and millions of pieces. My heart broke for my family. It broke for Abel. It broke for selfish reasons. This isn't fair. As much as I wanted to say “it isn't fair” I don't feel those few words do justice to our situation... it isn't fair but what is fair? I do not feel those words do even being to touch our situation but I do not know what "FAIR" really is...

It is HIS plan. HE has a plan... I have to remember this and keep reminding myself of this. It is HIS plan, not mine. 

Cincinnati Adventures!

We were planning on leaving Sunday to head up to Cincinnati but before we did I needed to see my dad. So Abel and I headed to my dads house to get dad and Josiah to go on a donut mission! I wanted to personally check out this new donut shop in Clinton, Master Donuts! OH WOW they have some super yummy fresh donuts! So good! It is probably a hidden benefit they are not closer to my house or I would be one chubby pregnant girl! If you get a chance and can check Master Donuts out I would strongly recommend it!

So Sunday morning came and we packed up the car and headed up North!

We wanted to head up a little early to check out the city before our big 2 days of doctor visits. The trip up to Ohio wasn't bad, except I swear I had to pee like every 10 minutes. Victor was a champ every time I asked if we could stop, even though I swear we had just stopped, and I needed to stop again he would stop with me with no hesitation. Great husband!

It was gloomy up in Ohio but we made it and we were going to the Cincinnati Zoo! Abel was going to have a fun adventure no matter what! The Cincinnati Zoo was really pretty cool. It was pretty chilly but we were lucky most of the animals were still out. 

We got to see John the Lion. He is a very pretty lion and he knows it. We even got to hear him roar! I don’t think that I have ever heard a lion roar so this was pretty cool! And I am going to think that is a special something Abel got to hear too! What 21 week old baby gets to hear a lion roar during the first few weeks they are learning to hear!?! John the Lion was just helping us add to Abel's adventures! 

John the Lion

Baby Monkey Eating

We checked out butterflies and all the insects and reptiles that we could. We saw monkeys and a baby monkey, he was pretty cute, he was picking and eating on something! We checked out the giraffes, elephants, a polar bear, birds, and cheetahs.  We really had a good time! After the past couple of weeks it was fun to have a fun adventure and just enjoy ourselves.

In the butterfly exhibit 

Brenda and Bobby (Victor’s mom and dad) made the trip up to Cincinnati too. I will be honest when Cincinnati became an option I thought it was a trip just for Victor and I. I was wrong. I am so glad and blessed that they made the trip. We were going to need their support, we needed their support. No matter how old you are moms and dads, are always a blessing, they are always a comfort, they are always a support and they are just good to have around. There is always reassurance and love found in their arms. I didn't know how much of a comfort it would be to have them there until we needed them and I am so glad they were there.  Another one of God’s blessings I am reminded of daily; I have wonderful in-laws. Bobby and Brenda have loved me since day one and we (Victor & I) know they want only what is best for Victor and I and our family. God knew what He was doing when He gave me Victor and his wonderful parents. They love us and they love Abel and we were blessed they came with us to be there if needed.  

Brenda and Bobby

 We went to Terry’s Turf Club for dinner that Sunday night. The roads in Cincinnati are something else. To be honest I am not sure how we got there but somehow we found this place. Once you found it you couldn't miss it. It was covered in neon lights and old nostalgic signs. It was a small little place; reviews said there was usually a wait but since it took us so long to find the place we missed the wait! It was a different setting cool little hang out kind of place. We had this great server name Andy. He broke the menu down and offered his recommendations for dinner. We tried a crab cake and an avocado stuffed with Chorizo for appetizers. Terry’s was known for their burgers so that’s what most of us got; Brenda got some ham sandwich with asparagus that turned out to be super good! The burgers were a mile high and served on ciabatta bread and they were delicious! We had fun and our bellies were full!

Abel was getting his adventures! We had a great Sunday in Cincinnati now to get some rest; we had 2 big days ahead of us!

Jessica & Victor & Abel at 21 weeks