Mother's Day

So I really have been trying to get my emotions and thoughts out on paper about Mother’s Day but it has been a little harder to express everything about this day… Sunday was wonderful. It was hard. It was emotional. It was crazy. It was beautiful. It was a blessing. It was full of tears. It was full of laughs. It was full of love. It was a first! Mother’s Day was just an emotional day in itself.

Like I said Mother’s Day was wonderful; the weekend leading up to it was great! My BFF since 4^th grade surprised me with chocolate strawberries at work on Friday. Candice and I have been through some crazy times but yet our friendship has seemed to survive the test of time and only grown stronger. Abel sent me a beautiful azalea, (his grandpa, my dad, might have helped him a little). Maybe it is was the card, maybe it was reality hitting home that I was a mommy, maybe it was the love and thoughtfulness showed by so many but Mother’s Day was starting to get hard and emotional. I am so grateful for a supportive and wonderful dad! He has had my back for forever, he has supported Victor and I on this journey and cheered all 3 of us on. He has made a great dad for 31 years and is already making a great grandpa! Now I just have to keep this azalea alive, for FOREVER!

Dad
Josiah, Jessica & Abel, Andrew

Saturday my brother Andrew and his girlfriend came into town. We had a simple family dinner and family time. I am so glad Andrew got to meet Abel and see me pregnant. I am glad Abel got to meet Andrew and hear his voice and just a little bit of his personality! Andrew got to feel Abel in me, he didn't really feel him move but he felt the hard lump.  I feel like seeing my belly and feeling Abel can sometimes make the outside world feel like a part of this experience and journey. That is a big deal to me and I feel like it is to others as well. It was special that Andrew got to see and feel Abel and I am so glad we got those moments. Priceless.

Sunday hit home. Sunday hit Victor and me both and it hit hard. I woke up to a sweet husband that bought me a beautiful bracelet from Abel and himself. It’s gorgeous and it’s even a little more special because it has the infinity sign in it. Forever Abel’s mommy!

There was just something about this day, about the title, about the celebration that just made reality hit. Victor’s heart was broken not just for his child and the unknown but for the mother of his child. My heart broke for the unknown, the mommy in me, and it broke because my husband’s heart hurt.

We hurt together. We cried. We held each other. We talked.

As husband and wife, as mother and father, as Victor and Jessica we are both on the same page, our feelings are very similar. We hurt and we are scared but we are so thankful for every moment, every kick, every day and every memory.

You know looking back on Mother’s Day I can’t tell you where the ocean of emotions came from or exactly why. I mean Mother’s Day is a day I have looked forward to all my life. I was excited about Mother’s Day, it wasn't the possible gifts that excited me or the acknowledgement that I knew would come with the day, it was the title; the personal title. I finally got to celebrate Mother’s Day because I. Am. A. Mom!  Leading up to this day I thought it would be nothing but gumdrops and rainbows, a happy celebration! I guess I was a little naive to think there wouldn't be a world-wind of emotions with it too.

As I had talked to my dad the previous day and now talked to Victor there were a lot of suppressed emotions. I realized neither Victor nor I were really able to look at Mother’s Day cards this year. I thought I just didn't want to stand there and read them all because it hurt my back and feet; I think that was just an excuse my subconscious was telling me. Victor couldn't do it either for obvious reasons as well. Victor and I had a lot of heart felt discussions and talks throughout the day. I am so glad he is my husband. I am so blessed to have a strong, caring, loving, emotional man as my partner and father of my child.

I got a Mother’s Day card in the mail from my sister, it was sweet and simple. But I broke. I don’t know why but the waterfall tears came! Victor just held me in the kitchen. We cried together and he reassured me we would be OK, our family would be OK and God would see us through. That was all we could do.

We put ourselves back together and got ready for a family gathering. We went to Linda and Steve’s for Mother’s Day. We had a great day surrounded by lots of wonderful moms.  There is comfort in family and the support they provide even if they don’t know they are. Victor and I enjoy these moments. I have said it before Victor and I love the love and attention Abel gets from family and friends. We love that Abel gets to hear the voices and stories. I feel like Abel gets to know his family a little this way, he gets to feel the love, support and encouragement that family provides; after all they are our backbone. Victor and I both loved family time as kids; some of our best memories, and we still enjoy it- I am glad we can give that to Abel now. And maybe it is extra comforting to us, especially right now, because well when we were kids we didn't have a worry in the sky it was all fun and games with cousins and grandma’s love. Like I said family offers a sense of comfort and sometimes when your heart hurts that’s all you need; it's all you need to know it will be OK…

You know being around family or answering questions isn't the hard or emotional part it’s more when you’re in the quiet and by yourself. Sometimes I swear it’s easier to put on my big girl pants and a smile on my face and face the world than not too. Mother’s Day was emotional for Victor and I. We survived and we did it together. Victor and I shared a wonderful day. We had meaningful conversation. This day brought on some painful emotions but it also opened the door for us to discuss them as husband and wife, as mommy and daddy as friends and partners. We worked through them and most importantly we did it together. We talked about our fears and yet we both knew and agreed we will be OK. We will survive and we will do it all together. We talked about our blessings, our dreams, our hopes and our happy memories that we have already made as a family and the ones we still hope to make. Yes, today there were a lot of tears at the Ford house but what a blessing it was to celebrate being Abel’s mommy! We celebrated today as a FAMILY something Victor and I have been working so hard towards for so long and that in itself is a blessing!