35 Weeks

Yesterday (well Sunday so a couple days ago) marked 35 weeks.

This weekend was a little harder on me. I am not sure if it was because of the 35 week milestone or the rainy and gloomy weather or I just didn't have a lot to do but I was mopey and whiney,  <= I won’t lie about that.

I slept a lot, like all weekend. I liked my bed, I liked it a lot. I hated that I wasn't more fun. I couldn't make decisions. I didn't want to talk to people. I couldn't tell Victor what was wrong, if anything was wrong.

Yup my sweet husband did what he could. He tried to ask the right questions, but I didn't know. He tried to love me but I just whined. He tried to feed me but food wasn't the answer.

I just wasn't happy and not knowing why I felt so blah didn't help things either.

By Sunday night I guess Victor had asked me enough that I started to break. I started to realize my heart hurt. I still wasn't sure why but I was in emotional pain, emotionally distort to say the least. I had taken a good nap Sunday afternoon and later on that evening I remembered I had a dream about Abel. I don’t remember the dream but he was there. His presence was strong in my dream, like I really felt him there.  It almost breaks my heart I don’t remember more. It kind of leaves this void that I dreamt about him but don’t remember, maybe it’s good not to remember the details but know he was there and feel him.

35 weeks… WOW… that means a max of 5 more weeks. That hurts. It is heartbreaking. It is scary. It is sad. It is unknown and I am at a loss.

Victor was nothing but supportive and loving and just wonderful. I don’t feel like I can give him enough credit. It is so hard being strong sometimes. It is hard to be strong for the world sometimes but even harder to be strong for your spouse. Your spouse sees you and knows you, you are almost transparent to your partner. To protect your heart doesn't really happen when you are married. It is good that my heart doesn't need protecting or guarding from my husband, it is a blessing, something God intended, but sometimes I wish I could protect him from it, protect him from the pain my heart feels. I know this is hard. It hurts him to see me hurt. I know he already hurts for himself, for his son and for me. It just can’t help seeing your wife break.

I love feeling Abel in me. I love feeling the lumps and the bumps and the little kicks. It scares me to know they won’t always be there. I hate to think of the day I can’t feel him in there. I have had a partner, a side kick for the past 35 weeks; 8 months, what is life like without the little guy? The thought of a day without Abel breaks my heart. I am not sure how you get past that break either.

35 weeks. It should be a celebration. Most moms are ready to get this baby out, to meet their sweet baby and for the world to meet their little love. I on the other hand want to freeze time. I want to go backwards. I don’t want another day to pass. I want to meet Abel and love him and cuddle him and never let go but I know that’s not how things work. He is safe inside of me and I just want to keep him safe and warm and in there for as long as possible. Forever!?!?

I feel like the clock is ticking and yet there is still so much to be done. So much to still be said. So many adventures to still be had. I still have so much love to give this little man; I can’t possible cram all my love for him in in 5 weeks!