Giving it ALL to God

So we headed home…

God had prepared us for what was to come. Little did we know how He would also carry us when we needed Him most…

We knew we had options and decisions to make. Victor and I both knew we didn't want Abel to suffer. We didn't want to be selfish. We didn't want our baby hooked up to tubes and machines all his life, that’s not what we would want, so why would we make our baby have that life? He is too little to choose or have a say but we have to make decisions that are best for him as well as us.

Victor kept telling me it was up to me what we did next. He said this not because he didn't care but because he believed it was my body, my choice. I had to tell him, “no that’s not how this works. It is my body but it is OUR baby." Together we had to come to an agreement on what steps we would or would not take next.

I did tell Victor through the tears and frustration (I wasn't frustrated at him but at the fact I had no clue what to do. I didn't know as Abel’s mommy what was best for Abel. What was best for our family? What was right? I was frustrated because there was no right or wrong. There wasn't a Google answer or a book to tell me the outcome if I choose option A verse option B or visa-versa. This wasn't something I could call daddy for to get his advice or opinion. There wasn't anyone that could direct me in the right direction; except for God. And I wasn't hearing his answer as fast as I thought I should be. I feel that Victor probably felt the same way or similar in his frustrations.) : So I told Victor “I don’t know what we are supposed to do. I don’t know what is next. I don’t know anything right now. I do know I cannot terminate. I cannot play God like that. Termination is the only thing that guarantees us a known outcome but I cannot play God. I cannot end any and all chances for Abel. I can’t do that. But we have to be on the same page for that, because termination is the only guaranteed answer.” Victor agreed with no hesitation. We were on the same page here, we were in agreement, we were being parents.

Well ok, we have one option off the list out of many… 

However, we both had to realize by us not terminating anything can happen. We had to put all our trust in God one way or the other. God could take Abel before we were ready. God could perform a miracle. God could bring Abel into this world and we could have a baby that needs special attention for the rest of his life. God could give us Abel for minutes or years. We have to trust God and His plan. Victor and I had to accept this. We had and have to trust God. And some days we have to remember and remind each other this is God’s plan- WE WILL BE OK.

Victor and I also did not feel that tubes and poking and prying were right for us or our baby. That being said we were still a little on the fence to whether or not we wanted to try and drain the bladder. If we drained the bladder it only took some pressure off of Abel for a temporary period and would allow us to see if the kidneys were still working. They could also do more chromosome testing to ensure that wasn't an underlying issue. 

If we drained the bladder were we just prolonging the inevitable? Would we be faced with harder decisions and choices next? When would we say enough was enough?

That Wednesday after we got back was a hard day. Victor and I had both taken the day off to get our minds and hearts put together again, after the past couple of days we felt like Humpty Dumpty that fell off the wall. We still needed to talk and make our final decisions. We needed each other and we needed time to communicate on our own terms. We did not need to be rushed.

I called Mel in Cincinnati again and asked some more questions. I called Teresa at Ft. Sanders and asked more questions. Both these ladies were wonderful, understanding and compassionate.

Chromosome testing could be done after Abel was brought into this world. That answered Victor’s major question and concerns about draining the bladder now. Draining the bladder was only a temporary fix, if the kidneys were still working which we believed they were the bladder would just fill back up.

Victor and I talked off and on for a while that Wednesday morning. We talked to God, we talked to Him together, we talked to Him on our own. We talked to each other. We were searching for the right answers and the peace that we hoped to come with those answers. 

I don’t know how we did it. I don’t know where the strength came from. I don’t know the exact moment.  But Victor and I decided together this was all in God’s hands. We were not going to intervene. We threw our hands up and gave Abel. His bladder. Our family. EVERYTHING to God.

This was not us throwing in the towel. This was us making the hardest decision we have ever made in our lives and probably ever would. This was us being parents. This was us being grown-ups. This was us being mature and totally unselfish. This was us giving everything we ever wanted and worked for all to God.

Like I said I don’t know how we came to that life changing moment. But let’s be honest- it was God. He was taking care of Victor and I. So I looked at Victor and said “ok, that’s it.” And that was that…

I turned to walk away, like life was supposed to just go on normal now that we just made the biggest hardest decision ever and I broke, I broke into tears. My knees went weak and my whole inside was suddenly sick and it took everything I had in me to get back to Victor’s arms. (As I write this it’s the hardest moment to relive. Hardest seconds of my life.) At that moment I felt like my baby had just been taken away from me before I ever got him. Stolen right from my arms, right from inside of me. My gut was being ripped out. Like it was ALL just done. Just done. I walked back to Victor in tears I couldn't get to his arms fast enough. Words were not needed. He felt the same breakage to his heart that I was feeling. (I will be honest this was a very intimate moment I feel like. I only share this because I hope as our story continues you will see/hear God’s grace and love. I am also SO thankful for the wonderful husband and partner God has given me. We could not survive this without the other. We know that.) Victor held me so tight. We cried, we balled. Broken hearts don’t even describe the feeling we felt. Our entire being and world seemed to crumble in those few minutes. If this was right why did it hurt so bad? As much as everything crumbled around us we knew we were making the right decisions. Beyond the pain there was peace we just couldn't feel it or see it in those moments of grief. As we grieved God’s hands and peace found us. We were able to pick ourselves back up and carry on a little. This day was still hard. Our hearts were heavy. We were sad. But God was working on us and our family.

Wednesday finally came to an end and we went to bed…

I was going to go back to work Thursday and so was Victor but sleep didn't seem to come so easy Wednesday night. Thursday morning we woke up late and laid in bed just enjoying the others company.

Let me remind you up to this point I was not sure if I had felt Abel move. I’m a first time mom there is a lot going on in this growing belly and the little flutters I have felt I am not sure it was Abel or gas or things growing. Because of the lack of fluid around Abel it is harder for him to move too, so the fact that I was 20 weeks and not feeling Abel a whole lot did not surprise doctors.

I will be very honest: I did not know what was going on with my baby or how long we would have him. I kept praying that I would have a definite sign and know for sure when I really felt Abel. Even more my prayer to God for weeks had been that Victor could share in this joy. I wanted Victor to feel Abel so bad. I prayed this prayer for days and weeks. I wanted Victor to feel as close to Abel as possible. I wanted him to know his baby inside me. I wanted… I wanted Victor to experience the good things of being an expecting daddy. I wanted him to feel the joy. I wanted him know how real and alive Abel really was inside me.

God is GREAT! Thursday morning as we lay in bed Abel moved! I grabbed Victor’s hand and he felt Abel. Abel was there alive and kicking! They were big kicks! God and Abel were making sure we knew it was Abel in there! Priceless moments! Prayers answered! It may sound like a small prayer for some but this was huge! It was a miracle! Tears of joy! Praise God! 

God hears our prayers.