Day 1

Being honest: I have been putting the next 2 or 3 blog entries off. They seem harder to relive and write than I had originally thought they would be. The two days in Cincinnati were full of information. They were emotionally, mentally and physically draining and quite over whelming.  

So apologies in advance if these post are long or ramble. There was a lot going on and I just want to be as honest as I can as I write this for you and me.

Day 1…

Monday started early. I gave Abel a small pep talk for the day, we needed him to be in the best position for all the doctors. I tried to tell him as much as I knew about the day that was coming. I didn't want him to be scared but informed of what was going on. I didn't know a whole lot and didn't know the details of what the day was going to bring.  He needed to know his mommy and daddy were trying and there were doctors that were trying to help him as well. Victor said a prayer that morning and we got the day started…

We had a doctor’s appoint at 9a.m. with Dr. Van Hook, the Maternal-Fetal Medicine Director.  This was when we would get our sonogram and check out the baby. It was the first appointment of many and where the information started flowing in. We proceeded with our sonogram; Abel still had a heart beat, which is always a plus! To be honest though everything on the screen looked the same to us, black and white and still a big keyhole bladder. The lady doing the sonogram didn't talk much but you could tell she was focusing and working hard to get the best images possible.

After the sonogram Dr. Van Hook came in, he was nice and honest. He told us “I am not going to say that is the largest bladder in the world but it is very large.” Our poor little baby. Dr. Van Hook also told us that it was kind of hard to get good images of the baby because of lack of fluid around him. This is where sometimes they inject you with amniotic fluid to help get better pictures. However Dr. Van Hood did not think it would help that much. There are some risks when injecting the amniotic fluid; like I could have a reaction to it. Dr. Van Hook did not feel by adding the fluid would make that big of a difference either. The fluid is only a temporary fix and since I am not that big of a girl he didn't feel the risk was worth it, I understood and appreciated him not putting my health at risk.

After Dr. Van Hook’s we headed over to Children’s Hospital. Have you ever been to the Atlanta Airport? This hospital looked to run on a tighter ship than the airport. It was all color coated and huge! Everyone had a job and they knew exactly where to go, what to do and how. They were not messing around here! It was so organized it did give you a since of comfort, surly if they ran a hospital this well and organized they had to be the best of the best to care for my baby.  There were so many people coming and going, it was crazy! Being at Children’s started to break my heart. There were all these sick kids; sick or disabled, they looked happy but it hurt my heart. All of a sudden it was becoming reality that anyone of these kids could be my baby. I could be that mom making these weekly trips to the doctor’s office to help my baby 5, 10, 15 years later. I wondered if these kids were truly happy. Where they glad to be here in this world? Did they mind that each day was a struggle? How did they survive each day? Did they mind being different? How did the moms feel? Knowing what they know now and where they were would they make the same decisions? How did mom cope with this daily? My heart just broke and reality was setting in, if these doctors could save my baby would I be one of these moms? Would Abel be one of these kids?

Not that being one of these special needs kids is anything bad. We all pray for healthy children, I understand this prayer. Ironic thing is when Victor and I found out we were pregnant everyone made comments about praying for a healthy baby. I heard “prayers for a healthy baby” a lot and I started to wonder why everyone says this, like they only want healthy babies. At some point I asked my mom why everyone said this; even if you didn't have a healthy baby wouldn't you still love it anyways? Shouldn't you just be grateful that God choose you to be this baby’s mom and dad? Shouldn't you just be grateful for a baby? Maybe I was being naive and blind because I didn't know my baby was sick. I didn't truly know the strength of this prayer. I was just glad to have a baby after all these years. Maybe that was me being selfish? I also understand we want the best for our babies. We want healthy babies, babies that can run and play and enjoy life to its fullest. Life is a wonderful gift and we want our babies to enjoy and know this gift. But do babies or children that face daily struggles still know this wonderful gift of life? Do they maybe know it even better than you and I because they know their life was truly a gift and can be a daily struggle? Do you and I maybe take our daily life for granted a little more because it is so easy? I didn't mean to rant here… I just saw all these children of all ages that I knew lived differently day to day than I had ever imagined. My heart hurt. I wondered what the future held for my baby Abel. I wondered how I would cope, how Victor would cope and how we would teach Abel to cope and survive and make the best of everyday. 

At Children’s we met with Mel, the nurse that was overseeing our case. We chatted with her for a while in this little room. She asked us each questions about our personal health history, about our doctor visits up till then, and let us ask questions. We talked about Abel and how he was being affected. Somehow in this conversation it was brought to my attention there was NO amniotic fluid around Abel. NONE. What little had been in there had now been used. There was nothing I could do personally as Abel’s mom to change this. This hurt. Somewhere, somehow in this conversation Victor also asked about what happens afterwards for Abel if the doctors did feel like they could help. Would Abel’s bladder be normal?  The answer was NO, Abel would have to have a catheter. WHAT THE HELL? HELLO!?! This was a slap in the face and a huge realization. This hurt. Up until this point no one had mentioned the possibilities of how Abel would or could be affected if he could make it into the world. My heart broke for my baby. A catheter? Old people use catheters. The bladder is a muscle. Abel’s little bladder had been stretched beyond its max over the past couple of weeks and it would never go back to a “normal” size. Since Abel’s bladder was so large even if we could empty it the muscles would still remain stretched and therefore the bladder would never fill appropriately like yours and mine or would it be able to empty correctly. Think about a balloon; you have a balloon and blow it up. When you let the air out the balloon is all wrinkly and never takes the “normal” shape again that it once had. Abel’s bladder is the same way, a wrinkly little balloon inside my baby that would never take back its meant to be shape.  This was a harsh awakening. My heart was broken. I was over today and ready to leave; to go home and crawl into bed but I couldn't.

After our visit with Mel we met Erin she was our social worker.  The title social worker kind of scares someone but she was/is more of a resource. She was full of information about the hospital and town. She offered information about staying in Cincinnati and how her services could help us if we had to have extended stays. After our meeting with Erin we were done for the day. I was ready to run out of this place. My heart was broken. I was overwhelmed with information and tons of “What ifs”. I wanted to run out of Children’s, wherever I seemed to look there were kids I just wanted to hug and ask questions. I wanted to know them and their story. I wanted to know how their story ended or carried on. As much as I wanted to know all this I wanted out of there as well. My heart was breaking for my own baby for my own family. I couldn't even begin to process the information that I was just given or imagine how the days to come would carry on.

We got back to the hotel and I went to bed. I was broken. I wept. I was mad at God. I was hurt. I yelled at God. I was mad at life. I was mad at doctors. I was scared. There were no words to describe my feelings. I hurt in ways I never imagined. My heart broke into millions and millions of pieces. My heart broke for my family. It broke for Abel. It broke for selfish reasons. This isn't fair. As much as I wanted to say “it isn't fair” I don't feel those few words do justice to our situation... it isn't fair but what is fair? I do not feel those words do even being to touch our situation but I do not know what "FAIR" really is...

It is HIS plan. HE has a plan... I have to remember this and keep reminding myself of this. It is HIS plan, not mine.