Just a Rough Day

I know I have said it before and I will say it again… some days are good and some days just aren't so good… today was a hard day.

I had an appointment at my Endocrinologist (the thyroid doctor). No biggie but this appointment turned out to have more emotions than I could have imagined.

Of course when you are seeing a doctor you need to be honest, rule #1 about doctor visits, secrets are no good. So I had to tell the nurse about our complications. No biggie. Of course the sweet nurse tried to keep a positive attitude. “Well they can just fix him when he gets here right?” Mmmm not that easy… I know I try to keep such a smile on my face and such an upbeat attitude about the situation; I know it can be misleading. Sometimes though, I feel I have to be strong for those I am telling. I have to lead by example. Yes, this sucks but it is what it is. I have faith, we are blessed, Jesus will take care of my baby, and God has a plan; that’s the bottom line. Crying about it every time I inform someone won’t change the situation. ‘Can’t cry over spilt milk’. And like I have said a million times God has a plan. Of course after I told the nurse and the doctor came in I had to re-tell the situation to him as well. I held myself together just fine. I felt silly explaining medical things to a doctor but then again he is not a baby doctor he is a thyroid doctor. He asked some questions but realized the severity of the situation. He offered his condolences and that was that… see ya in a couple more months…

In the 6 years I have been going to this doctor I don’t think I have ever had to wait in line to check out. Not today! Today there was a line on both sides of the office and go figure I had a sweet little old lady in front of me and behind me and of course we needed to talk about my belly and my sweet baby! I love really do love these moments. I love being treated like a “normal” pregnant mommy. I love the “normal” baby talk. I love it when Abel gets the “normal” baby attention. This isn't his fault. He should be loved unconditionally and it’s nice for me, his mommy, to see the world love him like a healthy little baby.

So I get up to the checkout line and there is this sweet little baby girl, her mom and dad. The baby was only a couple of months old her name was Elizabeth and every nurse that walked by oohed and awed over her. The dad mentioned dialysis to a nurse but I didn't think much of it. Then he mentioned it again to another nurse; that she (Elizabeth) had just started dialysis in March and was going 3 times a week. All of a sudden a mountain of emotions was coming over me. This baby girl looked so sweet. She looked normal. Her parents loved her like nothing was wrong. Just by looking at her you wouldn't know anything was wrong. Truth is it I don’t know what was wrong or the details of why she was on dialysis. I didn't need to know because all of a sudden this sweet baby girl seemed to relate to my baby boy. And then the“what if” games started playing in my mind. I made it to the car. I called Victor. I balled. My heart broke. I know their situation is different than ours. I know we made the right decision for us and for our baby. But my heart broke. I wanted to hold Abel so bad. I wanted to love him. I wanted everything to be OK, to be “normal”; but it is not, and it won’t be.

It just added up to be a lot of baby.

Of course Victor tried to walk me through this. He tried to reassure me. He tried to comfort me. He told me we did what we had to do. He told me we made the right decision. He told me it was all going to be OK. He was right. But there was no fixing this broken heart right that second. I just broke. Their baby was OK. They had their baby. She was beautiful. I wanted my baby. I wanted to hold Abel. I wanted to oohh and aww over him. I wanted to touch and feel him. I just hurt. There wasn't enough comforting in the world at this moment that Victor could give me.

I talked to Abel. I talked to God. But I still hurt. Sweet little Abel kept giving me jabs or kicks throughout the day. He knew his mommy’s heart hurt. I kept talking to Abel to let him know he was loved, I am proud of him. Although I want so much more for him and us I am so very thankful for every moment we have had and every moment to come.

It just sucked!

I went back to work. I got dinner. I went home. I was embraced by Victor’s arms and then the waterworks started flowing again. We stood there and embraced each other. Sometimes that is all a broken heart needs- her other half to help put the pieces together again.

I was trying really hard to put “my big girl pants on” and not be mopey but my heart hurt and I just couldn't shake it. I continued to pray and talk to God. I needed an attitude adjustment and it was one only God could give me.

I decided to go to bed early, maybe this day just needed to end early. But instead of just hitting the sack I got Jesus Calling out and the Bible…

“Bring me your weakness, and receive My Peace. Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering that I am sovereign over everything. Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning. Instead, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through this day; they will keep you close to ME. As you live in the radiance of My Presence, My Peace shines upon you. You will cease to notice how weak or strong you feel because you will be focusing on Me. The best way to get through this day is step by step with Me. Continue this intimate journey, trusting that the path you are following is headed for heaven.”

Psalm 29:11; Numbers 6:24-26; Psalm 13:5

God’s got this. God has Abel. God has me. God has Victor. God has a plan. I am weak and He is strong.

Today was a rough day. I am grateful for today, I am grateful that God has my back and He carries me when I am weak. He speaks to me and holds me just the way I need Him to.