God's Doink

Sometimes God just doinks you on the head!

We had another baby appointment yesterday. I really love these appointments I really really do but they can be very emotional. I know I have said it before (and will say it again) but as soon as you think you overcome one thing there’s another thing, another “what if”. These “what if” games are tiring, they’re  scary, emotional, and just over whelming. I know I am not supposed to play these games. Sometimes the appointments just get to be a lot. I shouldn't dread them, but sometimes they are hard to go to and they can be a little scary. I put on my big girl pants and go with a smile on my face and heart because I have to face the day and whatever it holds. There is no running from it now. I have to trust in my God. I enjoy baby visits, I really do! It is a pleasure to see Abel on the screen. It's a pleasure to see him grow and move. It's a God send every time to hear his heartbeat, but being honest, the farther along we get the scarier it gets.

This time Tina saw pulmonary movement on the sonogram. Another words it looks like Abel is trying to breath, he is trying to use those muscles.  Amazing! A Miracle! He is growing! He is developing! It looked like his little lungs were trying, there were little flutters. How wonderful and a beautiful site! My little boy is growing and making memories! He is trying; oh he is trying so hard! There is not a lot of fluid around him but this says great things that he has the muscles to do so and the brain power. Abel is a fighter, he’s a champ; he has overcome so many odds.

Don’t get too excited, please don’t. Around 30 weeks is apparently when doctors start looking to see they can see these movements, sometimes they see it sometimes they don’t. So yes, it is cool we saw it but this does not mean Abel will have lung capacity or that these movements will even continue. This doesn't mean Abel will be OK or that he will make it in the real world. It is still very much a waiting game. Tina liked what she saw; she thought it was cool to see; she told us what she saw and showed us. (Sounds pretty simple, huh?) I am glad she shared this milestone with us; I thought it was great to see as well, it was a very proud mommy and daddy moment as far as I was concerned. I don't want a doctor to 'try and protect us' from any kind of heart break, that is not their job and I don't want to miss out on even the smallest thing. It is wonderful and such a blessing to see my baby boy reach milestones. Milestones that some doctors didn't think he would ever reach. Milestones that we didn't know we could or would be able to see. It is a little bit of a glimmer of hope and silver lining for our little boy, for Abel. It is just special to be able to see him accomplish even the little things.  But like I said just because we saw this movement does not mean Abel’s lungs will be OK. (If we make it to 34-36 weeks we will look more at his lungs then and meet with specialist) There is still a lot unknown. While sharing this I do not feel I can stress that enough- THERE IS STILL A LOT UNKNOWN. There are still a lot of things that are not in Abel’s favor. Abel’s body still does not function like it should.

And that unknown is…

VERY SCARY…

IT HURTS…

More than anything though it is a blessing to see my baby developing and growing it is a very big blessing- and I will take it. I will take it and cherish the little things.

As proud as I am of my little boy I wonder what our future holds. I know his little body does not function like a normal little boy’s should. And then the “what if” games begin to roll in my mind. I don’t want to play these games because I know it is God’s plan and I do not know His plan. But Victor said it: “playing these ‘what if’ games is being realistic.” The thing is I cannot know God’s plan or the future or how everything will play out. And to be honest I thank God I do not have to know His plan or make His plan. I couldn't do God’s job and I don’t want God’s job.

The devil tries to work his way into me. He tries to take a glorious moment like ‘pulmonary flutters’ and scare me with it. Yesterday it was working, I won’t lie. The devil was sneaking into my mind and heart. He was scaring me. What if Abel had more of a chance than doctors thought? What if Victor and I should have done more? What if we made the wrong decision for our little boy? What if there was more we could have done or should have done? (All these “what if” games- they are the DEVIL’S work <=that sounds so red neck but it is all the devil) What if Abel really does make it into the world? What if Abel overcomes ALL the odds? What if Victor and I are faced with even harder decisions? What if Victor and I are caring for a sick little boy for the rest of his life that is hooked up to tubes and such, a little boy that didn't have a choice for his life? What if Abel comes into this world a bigger fighter than we could have imagined? What if God throws us a curve ball? This is all the devil’s thoughts and words. He was and is trying to scare me and it was working.  But let’s face the truth: we really have no clue to what is going to happen...

I hurt.

I broke.

I cried.

I hate crying, I hate crying over my son. Not because it is crying or because it is weak or anything like that, but I hate crying over Abel because he is in me, he’s part of me right now. He feels those tears and they are because of him. There is no way to escape it. I don’t want him to feel guilty or negative or that my heart breaks because of him.  I want to protect him from these emotions; this is not my son’s fault. He shouldn't have to feel the hurt his mom and dad feel, it’s our job to protect him.

So I am walking into the house, it’s drizzling a light rain, talking to Abel, reassuring myself and him, and I said through the tears “Abel I just don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t know what is best for you or right. I don’t know what is going to happen, I. Just. Don’t. Know.” And then it was like a light bulb went on.  God just doinked me on the head! It is not my job to know these things. It is not my job to know the future. It is God’s! God placed me here to be Abel’s mommy to do my best, to love him and care for him and that is exactly what we as Abel’s mommy and daddy are going to do! We are loving the crud out of this baby boy more and more everyday!! It's God’s job to take care of us, God’s job to take care of Abel and God’s job to make the hard decisions. It’s not my job- thank goodness! So yeah the light bulb came on and I saw the light. 

Now I will be honest; this light bulb that went on was a small revelation but it did not take away the fear and the pain. I took a shower. (That seems to be my happy place and because I think Abel likes the shower and bath, what kid doesn't) I kept repeating to myself: When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. This verse has been a comfort throughout this journey and I have fallen back on it many of times. Victor came home and came to check on me. He knew my heart was troubled when we left the doctor’s office. I cannot say enough how blessed I am to have such a wonderful spouse, partner, husband and best friend. He has been my rock and shown amazing strength at times. So here we are crying in the bathroom, me in the shower Victor on the other side of the curtain in deep heartfelt conversation, both our hearts broken. When I feel something he feels it too, it is OUR child after all that our heart breaks for.

I feel selfish to feel scared but I am scared. I am scared for the unknown. I am scared for Victor and me. I am scared for THE DAY. I am scared for Abel. I am scared for my heart and Victor’s.  As scared as I am I also know God will see us through this. As scared as I am I know I have to put my big girl pants on every day and carry on. That is what a mother does.

I have to also remember when we threw our hands up and gave our situation and our son to God- we gave it ALL to God, ALL OF IT.  This is still scary, VERY SCARY. You can't just give God a little or a piece of this and a piece of that, you have to give it ALL to Him. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

Matthew 11:28-30

We will continue to put our trust in God when we are afraid. Sounds simple, right? But sometimes it is human to make it hard. And lets be honest it can be scary. 

God got us to the decisions we have made. He has given us peace and I will not and cannot let the devil take that away. God has seen us this far and will continue to see us through. God can perform a miracle, He will perform a miracle. I know this. I just don’t know what that miracle might be- but it’s not my job to know right now either.

I wouldn't trade a single punch, kick, jab, pain or sleepless night. I wouldn't trade a pulmonary flutter, a trip to Cincinnati, good, bad, or over-hopeful news, a heartbreak or tear for anything in the world. We have witnessed miracles and been part of them. Life is a miracle, Abel is a miracle, God’s grace and love are miracles. The love Victor and I have learned, shared and grown with is a miracle. The love we have received from all over has been a miracle. We are so blessed to witness these miracles and be part of them.

DOINK!