Two months since our little Abel came into this world and two months since our little Abel went home to Jesus. It has been a while since I
have shared our story. There is so much I want to share and tell but it’s not
always so easy but today I am trying…
I was reminded last night that throughout this journey I have done my best to be transparent and open; some moments have been a little more honest than others, today may be one of those. I have had trouble writing and sharing recently because I haven’t been true to myself. Trust me I have tried to share and write because although we know Abel is forever in heaven mine and Victor’s story still goes on. Last night as I was reminded of these traits I realized every time I try to write I continue to put 'up a front'. I want to be happy, optimistic, and faithful to let the world know we are OK. I have not been honest with you as friends, family, myself, sometimes Victor, but even more God. We are broken. There is some anger we are working on. Our hearts hurt in a deep anguishing pain. There are some days we can be optimistic and there are some days we don’t want to get out of bed much less carry on. We are not OK BUT we will be, one day. That day doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow it will come when it is ready to come when our hearts are ready to be. God knows my heart but I have to open it to Him, it is my job to share and talk with Him so that He can help me so He can help us.
My writing has been my outlet for a lot. It has been a way
to share our journey with friends and family. I started this so that the truth
good and bad could be shared and told, so that friends and family would feel
that it was OK to talk about; in fact it helps. It helps not to ignore the
issue. Some days it helps even more to talk about Abel like the little boy he
is and was. I started sharing so people could see God’s presence through even
the darkest moments. I am in those darkest moments now and I am afraid they
could still get darker… I know God is there. I know He continues to love Victor
and me but being honest, sometimes I wish I could feel Him hold us even closer.
I need to feel His squeeze!
When Abel was with us I thought I coped and worked through
my emotions well. Truth be it, I don’t think I was working through them at all
instead I was strong and brave without hesitation because that's what Abel
needed. I just did. I have had so many moms compliment me on my strength and
courage, thank you. Truth be it; I believe any good mother would have done the same
thing for their baby. Your way may be different than mine but it is what YOU
believe is best for YOU, YOUR baby and
YOUR family. No lie, caring Abel did have some rough days but as I have
said before I put on my big girl panties and carried on. I was Abel’s life line
and he needed me and I sure wasn’t going to let that sweet little boy down- I would
have and still would give anything for that baby boy. But now… now… it is just
me and Victor. Now I have to face ALL of the emotions… Anger. Love.
Disappointment. Hurt. Pain. Excitement. Happiness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Accomplishment.
Pride. And emotions I don’t even know how to put words to. No one writes a grieving
manual on this stuff. Why write a book that you hope no one ever has to read? How to do you write a how-to when as
similar as our situations and stories can be all-in-all we have nothing in
common? The only true thing we now have in common is that we are both parents
to forever little angels.
How
do I learn to hold back the tears as the lady at the gas station ask about my
baby? How do I learn to take a shower by myself again? How do I learn to just soak
in the moments when I get a whiff of how Abel smelt on our special day? How do I
learn that I may be ok one minute and in tears the next? How do I get out of
bed some days? How do I learn and accept that I don’t have to be ok every day
or that I don’t have to be strong for others? How do I really accept that this
is my time to mourn in my way?
You can’t write a manual on this stuff because it is
different for each of us. Being more honest; Victor is the only one that knows
my pain, his heart is the only heart that feels even close to the pain as mine.
That being said though he still doesn’t know. He can empathize but the ugly
truth is I CARRIED ABEL. And now Abel is not here.
Last night a different friend also shared a lovely article "Not Everything Happens For a Reason". Great article, take a second and read it. I
have had to remind myself on numerous occasions that people say this because
they don’t know better or they don’t know what else to say. As Abel’s
mommy, as a grieving mother, and a selfish honest human there is no reason big
enough or good enough out there to justify why my son is not at home with me. I
used to believe everything had a reason. How could this much pain and suffering
have a valid reason? Victor and I have worked on accepting we may never know “the
reason” for our story, yet we continue to see ourselves as blessed. That is the
key. It is all in perception. Not everything happens for a reason, God does not
want to see His people in pain or despair it is just part of life though. He
wants to love us and see us through these tough times. It is our job to lean upon
Him, to find Him and to make the best out of the situation. The power all lies
within our own hands to make the good and our own eyes to see the reason.
“We all struggle. We all suffer. We all experience pain,
heartache and loss.” We all have a story and a battle we are fighting. I just buried
my son; this is my battle. Think of it this way: it’s like when you give a little kid a cookie and
then suddenly take it away. They throw a tantrum the biggest tantrum in history, for heaven sake you just took their cookie away! For a few short minutes that cookie
was their world and now it’s gone. What is your “cookie”? Are you fighting
demons? Are you struggling in your marriage? Did you get a bad grade? Are you
facing unknown health issues today? Are you just over worked and stressed out?
Your “cookie” is your battle. I should not judge that my battle is worse
or harder. Each battle is hard on a personal level because that is YOUR world. “God’s
will is not an event that happens to us, it’s how we respond to what happens…
God’s will for us is to walk with Him through the cancer. Through the abuse. Through
the death. Through the illness. God’s will is for us is to draw close to Him in
the midst of pain. God’s will is for us to use our painful life events to carry
his message of hope, grace, forgiveness and mercy.”
Honestly… Victor and I have given back where we can and found what
good we can for now. We have shared our story with people near and far. We have
shared as much of Abel and his condition with doctors in Cincinnati. We have
offered to help parents in similar situations in the future. We have donated
breast milk to babies in need... I would selfishly trade it all for more time
with Abel; that is me being selfish and very honest and very transparent right now. Sometimes the pain I feel
is so harsh that this good we have given back just seems stupid and inadequate.
I can’t say that I am that glad someone else gets to benefit from my pain and brokenness,
I really could probably give two shits less but… well there is no but… it’s
just the way it is.
As I re-read what I have wrote: “God’s will is for us to use
our painful life events to carry his message of hope, grace, forgiveness and
mercy.” (I am not rewriting what I wrote because it is honest and true to my
heart right now) It is not necessarily the good we give back… It is how
we continue to walk with God how we continue to show the world His love, mercy,
grace and hope. We know God loves us and we see His mercy and grace sometimes we
just have to look for it or remind ourselves of it. He gave us precious moments
with Abel, our very alive baby, thank
you Jesus! We have hope because of God. As we have been angry with God at times
in this roller-coaster journey God forgives us and continues to love us.
One more sweet moment of how cool God is, how He still shows
us Abel is with us…
Yesterday was a hard horrible tough day. It all went wrong; if it could blow up it did. My heart was broken but I continued to try and hold
it together. I failed at some times yesterday but even in those moments of
failure at the time I thought I was holding it together pretty well. Anyways…
with one simple comment from Victor my heart shattered. I couldn’t carry on any
farther and to my bed a barely made it as I curled up in a ball of tears.
Victor held me, our hearts broke together. In our moments of despair, because sometimes they just strike and they strike hard, Tyrah and Colee
showed up at our door... God speaks
through His children. A child’s innocence is beautiful sometimes we just need
to take a few moments to sit back and really soak it in. Colee drew Abel this
picture
 |
| That's a pacifier and a bed- because Abel was a baby |
How wonderful it is to see this sweet little girl celebrate
our little boy even though she probably doesn’t truly grasp the situation, she doesn’t
have to she just knows she loves Abel and that he is in heaven with Jesus.
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