Seasons of Life

I have tried to write recently but my feelings, thoughts and heart just don’t seem to get onto paper like I feel they should… Maybe I haven’t been truly writing from the heart? This is very possible because I’ll tell you my heart is full of emotions and sometimes they are hard if not near impossible to sort through. But I feel like there is still so much to share and say and tell. Still so many adventures to be had…

It is a beautiful Sunday morning, the birds a singing and the sun is shining and we are officially 39 weeks! Proud mommy moment! However, today is also a little bitter sweet and much of a reality check. Our big day is getting closer and closer. The closer Abel’s arrival gets the more emotions that it brings to be dealt with and the more decisions that have to be made.

We had another doctor’s appointment on Friday. Mommy and Abel are doing good. Abel is growing and has a strong heart! His heart was at 141- who would think this little boy was fighting for his life? We saw him make pulmonary movements, which is also good. He fluttered around a little for us which also showed he is not in any undue stress right now. BUT I am not dilating quite like doctors had hoped, which would make this process a little easier; not that any of this has been so called ‘easy’. So no worries the doctor threw a curve ball and said lets induce this week… “This week? Like week 39? Oh shit”- I won’t lie that was my exact response. I was not ready for that recommendation at all. I thought I had another week with my baby, another 7 days another 168 hours. It may not seem like a lot but it’s something to me, it’s a lot to me actually when there is so much still unknown. I still needed to make sure I had his outfits for his big day; I still need a blanket… I still needed… I may not know exactly what I still needed but I still needed more time. I am not ready! I really wasn’t too fond of this idea. The inevitable was all of a sudden staring us in the face. Scary. Reality check. Exciting. Frightful. Unknowing.  

So… our compromise was we go back Wednesday and as long as everyone is still OK we will wait till Monday June 22, 2015 to induce.

Seasons come and go just like the seasons of life. I feel Victor and I are both ready to see what this season of our life holds and how it plays out. There is still so much unknown for all 3 of us. I know I can’t keep Abel inside of me for forever, even though I wish I could. Life has to go on one way or another. God didn’t make time to stand still. It's just plain freakin’ scary though! It is a roller coaster of emotions. Abel has been such a fighter. He could throw us a major curve ball either way and come out showing this world who the boss really is!

Setting a date brings up emotions and calls for discussions, to be real and honest, these are more discussions that parents shouldn’t have to have- but we have to. We have no choice. We have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I believe in miracles: JESUS DID WALK ON WATER. Victor and I have had to open doors to conversations that I wish upon no parent. We have to at talk about it now so we have a little bit of an idea. Although, plans change, feelings change and decisions can change at any time; as much as we attempt to be prepared we still do not know.

It is not easy.

As we try to be good partners and parents and discuss our son, his future, our wishes, wants and what is best for our family our hearts just… it’s not just a breaking heart it is like someone is just slowly shredding your heart to pieces one layer at a time. They take it and squeeze it and ring it and shred it and tear it and cut it into a million little pieces. And yet after this excruciating throb in your chest you still have to wipe away the tears and come to some kind of conclusion of how you will survive and still find the strength to go on.

Victor and I tried to discuss our thoughts of Abel. It’s not easy. I just don’t know. Victor just doens't know.  WE don't know. I know what my wishes are for me when I pass but it is different to make these plans for your unborn child. As much as I thought I could relate my wishes to my child's they do not compare there is almost no relevance for the other. I don’t know what is right. I don’t know what I should do or what is best for my son and my family. He is only 39 WEEKS old how can I possible know? These aren’t just go with the flow questions and answers, once we make the decisions we have to live with the results and answers for the rest of our lives. How do I do that? Where does this strength, knowledge and peace come from? I know the answer is God. I know God will provide us with peace and comfort, knowledge and strength, love and compassion… all the answers we need in time… but having it, finding it, knowing it; that can all be another battle.

As my heart is being ripped out of my chest in slow motion and the tears stream down my face Victor just holds me and Abel close and we cry together because that is all we can do at this moment; is be there for each other, as a family of 3. Now catch this; this little 39 week old baby sure enough starts kicking on the side so his daddy can feel him. Victor felt the kicks before I even did. Abel is amazing! He is in there and he is fighting and wow what a strong little boy. He feels and knows the pain of our hearts but DANG he already has so much personality and fight. It isn’t his job to reassure us HE is going to be OK or that WE will be OK but he does so in his own way every time we seem to need it most. Maybe it’s God? Maybe it is Abel? Maybe it is both? But it is amazing and a blessing and such a miracle! How can I give up faith on miracles when we have witnessed so many big and small in the last 12 weeks- really 39 weeks because babies, no matter what, are miracles.

The thought of the day of is scary. There are lots of questions and planning that we feel we should do. Every parent plans their babies arrival and big day, we are just having to plan a little differently. Abel has fought so hard and so much I want the world to meet this courageous little boy. But is the world ready for this little boy? Are we going to be strong enough to share him no matter what with any part of the world? He is my son. He is part of Victor and me. How will he look? Will the world think he is as beautiful and wonderful and as perfect I do? Do we need to protect the world and family from him? Can they see his beauty? How will Victor and I emotionally be? These are things we have to talk about and prepare for. And then again we have no freakin clue! He is still a baby. He is my baby. This isn’t his fault and I don’t feel that he should suffer or lose any of the “normal” excitement any other baby would get. This isn’t his fault, he can’t help it. I get maybe it is moments just for family, close family. But my baby, Abel, deserves all the love and commotion and excitement as any other baby. And selfishly so do Victor and I- the question just comes to can we handle it? Do we want it?

...And then I also think: this is just his shell, just like I will only leave my shell behind... Yet I want the world to meet this beautiful wonderful miracle of a little boy!

But I guess until these moments are here; yet again, we do not know.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Philippians 4:6

Miracles happen: JESUS DID WALK ON WATER. Abel could come out fighting and beat all odds and all these questions and tears could be useless. Abel is a fighter and his mommy and daddy and all the doctors will give him all the tools needed to do whatever his little self can do! You know when Abel comes out fighting and surprises us all we will be flabbergasted and have to pick our jaws up from the ground. I wait for this moment. I pray for this moment.

I pray for God’s will.

There has been so much unknown. I like to plan and have all my little ducks in a row. But you know in the last 9 months those ducks are all over the freakin' place. I have had to trust God and learn to take one day at a time. I have had to learn to stop and smell the roses and actually enjoy them. I don’t necessarily think God had to go to the extreme with Abel to teach me this lesson but because of Abel I know it. I have learned to stop and enjoy moments with my son. I have learned to be still. When I am still I experience God’s miracles. As I write this and read out loud Abel reminds me he is with me, another blessing and miracle. I really think in the last couple of weeks he has been more active, maybe space is tighter or maybe he is already an attention seeker, either way I will take it! I have learned when my husband needs me, to be there, no questions no wondering mind. Chores and errands can wait but Victor cannot. I don't have to do the dishes or clean the house or go to Target. I have learned and will continue to learn to be the wife and partner that Victor, my husband and partner deserves and longs for.  I shouldn’t and can’t think of all the other things I could be doing but be still and be in the moment. I am right where I need to be when I need to be there. That is also God's doing. Things are what they are, it is what it is; I don’t have to out-do myself but enjoy the moments because that is what makes life so grand! I believe this lesson will stick with me for life and I hope it does. I hope when I have little babies running around, Abel and the others, I take the extra second to wipe a runny nose or say “I love you” and enjoy the duties of motherhood instead of hurrying through them. Just like seasons of life they only last so long.

I don’t remember life before Abel. I don’t want to imagine life without Abel.

Our lives will change for forever when Abel comes into this world. They already have. Abel will change our world. We just don’t know how yet…