January 23, 2015

The past 10 days were anything but easy for Victor and me.

We knew we were having a little boy but this was our little secret. I wasn't ready to share that with the world, it was our little family’s secret. It was something the 3 of us could share and celebrate in our own way. It gave me something to hold on to; something to keep with me. Maybe it was a comfort thing, maybe it was a little selfish, maybe I just wanted to hold onto something and this was it. I wanted US to just have something and at this point this was all I could hold onto. I don’t know but after the last visit I didn't want to tell the world this news and we were keeping it to ourselves! I am his mommy and I can do this and I did.

Maybe I was holding onto hope that by the next visit everything would be o.k. This would all be a false alarm. I did mention to Victor that if everything was o.k. we could celebrate and have a simple gender reveal party with just family. He was even gain but he also told me not to get to excited or to get my hopes up. Remember that realist husband I have? Sometimes it is a good thing he helps keep me in check.

So 10 days later that next Friday we went back to UT medical. We held hands, we held our breath and we held on to hope that we would just hear a heart beat that day. Oh goodness, God was good! We heard a heartbeat, a good strong one! HALLELUJAH!  Maybe it was just me but I just thought that would be the biggest obstacle. I was wrong.  I guess I just kind of figured if we still heard a heartbeat we could take it from there and surly anything else could be fixed. Honestly I believe even the doctors were pretty surprised to hear a heartbeat, I should have realized their surprise at the time but I was to busy rejoicing in the sound. I am telling you hearing your baby’s heartbeat is a miracle anytime but today it was even better. It was a beautiful pitter-patter, it was miraculous.

So on with the sonogram. The sonogram lady said she still saw a lot of fluid in the baby and his bladder was still large if not larger. So she did her thing and then went to get the doctors. Again the whole team came in… still no answers. All the blood test they did to test me for any infection under the moon all came back negative. They saw this as a good thing but still no answers why or how the Hydrops was caused. The bladder was still enlarged and the keyhole was more evident, there were still no answers to why or how to correct it. The amniotic fluid around the baby was still very low.  They still did not believe this was a chromosome issue they just didn't know what it was. There was not a lot of amniotic fluid around the baby to test for chromosomes at this point either. There was an option to tap the baby’s bladder and test those chromosomes but they didn't feel that was going to provide real answers either and again they didn't think this was a chromosome thing. They thought it was more developmental. And they didn't want to put me in any additional risk or the baby if it wasn't needed.

So in case you don’t know… you need amniotic fluid around the baby 1) to help the baby move 2) to help develop lungs and pulmonary development. Baby’s breath  in the amniotic fluid, this develops the breathing channels and teaches the baby life survival skills such as swallowing. Crazy that even as small as a task as it seems we all had to learn it in utero to survive in the world.  So the baby breaths in the amniotic fluid and then pees it back out and then they breath it back in. Sounds kind of sick that they breathe in their own pee but their pee isn't toxic like ours. My body has done everything to protect the baby and keep the bad stuff away. So by the baby breathing in the amniotic fluid they learn to breath but this also helps its body learn to function. The kidneys start working, the bladder starts doing its job, lungs develop, this also helps the blood develop like needed. (There is more to the detail of the blood but I don’t know it all, I just know you need it).  Around week 14 is when the baby’s kidneys start functioning and slowly more and more of the baby starts working on its own.  Don’t get me wrong I am still its “host” it still needs me but its body starts to function and get everything working.

Basically this doctor’s appointment tried to suck all the hope out of us. I asked about draining the bladder but because of the Hydrops that was not an option today. At this point because of everything that was wrong they believed there was probably an underlying issue. They just were not sure what. It was way too early to deliver a healthy baby much less a baby that was already struggling to live, survive and function. We were only at 18 weeks, the baby’s lungs had not developed and you need those to survive in the real world. Duh!?! These doctors left us with no options. They could not help. They told us to follow up with Dr. Vick and if we wanted or needed to come back we were welcome to but there was nothing they could do. OUCH! That hurts to hear from any doctor for anything. But this was our baby and we were helpless.  

This Friday was a dark day. Heartbroken does not even begin to describe our feelings. I wanted to run out of the hospital but I couldn't.  I felt like I needed to try and keep my composure but I just wanted to run and not look back. It was worse than a walk of shame to get out of this hospital and it seemed to take forever. I just wanted to get home! I just wanted out of hell!

We came home and cried, we sulked, we laid in bed for the rest of the day. It was a dark day at the Ford house. I am a strong woman. I don’t give up and I don’t give up on hope. But I came home and just cried. I didn't want to be strong anymore. I wanted to give up. My heart was so broken I didn't think I could carry on. As I sobbed I told Victor I didn't want to do this anymore I hurt too bad. He held me. We cried together. Somewhere somehow God gave me that little extra boost I needed to put myself back together and find some hope again. He gave me a little bit of some strength to try and put myself back together to try and carry on. After all I was still this baby's mommy and he still needed me and so did my husband. They both needed me now more than ever. 

We all mourn differently but I was not ready to mourn my baby. My baby was not dead, he still had a heartbeat. He was very alive just very sick. Yes, we all mourn differently and there are different types of sadness or mourning. Victor and I react and mourn differently. I have had to realize this. We have both had to learn not to pass judgment on the other. Just because we show our emotions differently doesn't mean the other isn't breaking just as bad inside.

I begged God for His mercy for His help and for His direction. I clinged onto Him because I knew He was the only way I would make it through this, that we would make it through this. I needed my hope restored. Moms can’t give up on their babies just like that. They just can’t. When your mom gives up on you, you know it is bad! I didn't want my baby to think it was bad. I was going to cheer him on! I was going to love him even more! I will be his #1 supporter!

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.

Psalm 56:3