The Next Day

February 6, 2015

Wow! Today was rough and a bit over whelming! I guess I just figured going to Cincinnati would be simple and to the point, at least until we got there. I got a call this morning from the nurse overseeing the case, Mel. She was so nice and SO full of information! All the information she provided is what made this day rough and emotionally draining though!

Mel called while I was at work and discussed our case. She was looking to get some clarification on what all the doctors had seen. Makes since, right? We have seen 3 different doctors and a lot has changed since January 14^th. But wow! She asked questions, I gave answers if I could. Mel told me what could happen if we came; but also mentioned that maybe there was some testing that could be done in Knoxville.  She just wanted to have our case in line before she talked to the doctors. I mean I was really trying to keep my cool but oh it’s so hard! I just had to keep reminding myself God is in control and these are the best doctors and they know what they are doing.  I just feel time is of the essence and I am not sure we have this time! But then again I have to remember I am “just the mom” and these are the “Pros”.  I just had to keep telling myself this is all in God’s hands. He has seen us this far and will see us through. So Mel gave me a rough run down of things that could happen and testing that the doctors in Cincinnati would do. WOW!

Then Mel mentioned that a nurse from Knoxville had called because they were afraid Children’s hospital was out of network for insurance. That gave me a small panic attack to say the least. Luckily I called and they’re not, all my in-network benefits will transfer up there. I know it kind of sounds petty to be worried about money when you are trying to save your baby but it’s a thought you have to think about. I know you can’t put a price tag on your baby but there are so many WHAT IFS, they are endless. We have to think financially about what this baby will need too. It’s a lot financially, time, travel… Mel even mentioned some relocate to Cincinnati. I just had to take a chill pill and a step back- one day at a time, that’s all I can do!

It’s just a lot! I just kind of broke down. There wasn't anything I could do. I didn't know much more I just knew all these “what ifs”- these possibilities.

Any ways back to the day… Caroline (she is overseeing the case) called me this afternoon to give me our schedule for the visit! YAY! This was a sigh of relief to be honest! So we have testing scheduled for Monday and Tuesday! It was just a relief to see the ball rolling. Caroline emailed me my schedule, when I say schedule I mean like a detailed itinerary. Our appointments start Monday at 9 am. We will have a sonogram and if my amniotic fluid is low they will inject amniotic fluid into the sack to get better pictures. CRAZY! Crazy that science and doctors can do this. They need fluid around the baby to increase the pictures because sonogram pictures work off the liquid around the baby. (I am hoping that this will increase his movement and maybe I can feel him a little more! Extra little prayer there) Then we will have the pleasure of meeting Mel and then after that we will have a meeting with a social worker. The social worker will be helping with resources that we may need is my understanding. That’s day 1.

Day 2: starts at 6:30 a.m. with an MRI so they can get very detailed pictures of the baby. Then we will get an ECHO of the baby’s heart. Later that day we will meet with a nephrologist (a kidney doctor for the baby.) Then we will meet with a genetics counselor. After all this we will sit down and with ALL the doctors that will be involved and discuss our options and find out if we are a candidate for any kind of procedure to help baby Abel.

Today was another good day. But I am not going to lie there were times I had trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Once again I was blessed though because I came home and had a supportive husband that saw the light and helped me see it again. We all know Victor is more of a realist than I am. But today he shed the light of hope. He was right. All we can do it try and trust in God. It was just such a blessing that when I just wanted to fall apart and not be strong he helped me up; he cheered me on and got me going again. He helped me find my hope again. Usually I am the one playing the optimistic one but it was nice and reassuring that we make a good team. We can do this and together we will be ok.

I wanted adventures with Baby Abel so here we go… We’re going to Cincinnati!!!!

A Glimmer of Hope

Today February 5^th we went to Dr. Vick's office for another follow up visit.

To be very honest at this point we didn't know what to except… We just keep hoping for a heartbeat and a miracle… Holding on to hope. Holding on to God. Holding on to each other. Praying for God’s plan.

The past couple doctor visits had just started to take so much out of us. They were draining, emotionally draining. They were painful and had become far from fun. We enjoyed seeing our baby and hearing our his heart beat but we just didn't know what was to come, good or bad. 

I put my big girl pants on this Thursday, I was going to see my baby and this was a blessing!

So off to Dr. Vick's office we went. Abel was still in there growing like a healthy little baby, just not peeing. His bladder was still very large, in fact it was larger.  Dr. Vick came in for a minute and about the same time he came in we saw Abel swallow!We actually saw him swallow a couple of times! This is apparently a great big good sign!!!! By Abel swallowing it show that his brain development was good.  Swallowing takes lots of brain function and muscles. This was a big deal in Dr. Vick’s eyes! As big people in the world I feel like we forget all the small mile stones we have to learn and over come to make it, like swallowing or even blowing your nose. We learn these things and they then become like second nature. From what our sonogram could also show it also looked like Abel’s kidneys still had good blood flow.  That meant they were still functioning. This was also another plus. Dr. Vick also believed that the kidneys were still producing urine because the bladder was larger- only way to get more pee in the bladder. Abel could swallow which also means he was trying to learn to breath. He was trying to develop like he needed to.

(The hydrops that had been a major concern earlier on did not seem to be a concern at this point. That being said it was also unclear if because of the size of the bladder we could not see what was behind it.)

I could hear the hope in Dr. Vicks voice as he talked to us. The sonogram wasn't over but Dr. Vick, Brenda (Victor’s mom), Victor and I all watched the monitor as our baby swallowed. Someone asked the question “if this was your daughter Dr. Vick, what would you do?” He replied optimistically “go to Cincinnati.”

Cincinnati is one of the few hospitals in the US that specializes in post urethral valve blockage (AKA keyhole bladder).  After the sonogram we went into the next room for our consult with Dr. Vick. Dr. Vick explained a little more about how big of a deal it was to see Abel swallow. We discussed Cincinnati and decided that it was worth a try. We had nothing to lose and possibly everything to gain.

For the first time we left this doctor’s appointment with more hope than we had come with.  

20 Weeks!

I want my baby Abel to have a story. I want him to have adventures and a wonderful life. It is my job to give him all of this and more! We will make his story together!

You see I decided we were going to have “adventures” with Abel that we were going to celebrate everyday and make the most out of the time we do have with our baby. I want to document Abel’s story and his time here with us no matter how long it may or may not be. Each day is a blessing and sometimes we all need to take some time and remember that.

On this Sunday we had made it to 20 weeks! (and it was Super Bowl Sunday too) 20 weeks is wonderful! 20 weeks is ½ way through pregnancy, a special miracle in this case if you ask this momma. Think about it; at week 17 the doctors didn't think they would hear a heart beat in the next 10 days now we had made it an extra 3 weeks, that’s 21 days past their ‘predictions’. God is good and we are celebrating!

Abel and I made Super Bowl treats all day while Victor wired a friend’s house. We talked and shared Abel and mommy time. I wanted to make it as special for him and me as I could. Abel and I made a special chocolate cake to celebrate his 20 weeks! When I say special it is the best chocolate cake you have ever tasted. It is a recipe from Victor’s mom’s neighbor “Susie’s Chocolate Cake!” is what I call it.  It is chocolaty, moist, rich and creamy and OH SO YUMMY!  Then when Victor got home he treated us to some wonderful steaks! It was a meal for celebrating and we were celebrating at the Ford house!

It was a small celebration for 3 but it was fun and a day to remember! 

Lessons

Yes, I am a new mom but I already feel the importance of making sure I teach my son the most important life lessons. 

When I was younger my mom never let us play the “what if game”. It wasn't really a game per say, I guess it was just more a kids imagination going wild as wild as we could and it was usually worse case scenarios. We would ask mom all these “what if” questions… you know “what if the world ended?” “What if we got kidnapped?” "What if something bad happened to mom or dad?” “What if  we got lost?” “What if we had a million dollars?”It probably seemed silly at the time but my mom would always say “We don’t play the ‘what if game’”. But today at the age 31 I still remember this and I don’t play the “what if game”. Considering the most recent events this is a hard game not to play but I have to remind myself of this each day. We cannot and will not play the "What if game" this is in God's hands. It is His plan. 

Victor and I have been together about 10 years. In those 10 years I have told him over and over “we don’t play the ‘what if game.’” (It is one time I am glad to sound like my mother) Now usually Victor always replies back with “it’s not a game Jessica it’s me being realistic, it could happen”. This "what if game" stuff was something I really had to stress when Victor was going through his seizure stuff. It has taken Victor some time to realize exactly what this “what if game” is. But as time has passed he has come around. Today is a gift, God will prepare us for tomorrow and we will deal with what we are handed when we are handed it. Why stress over what we have no control over? I have taken this lesson my mom taught me way back then and try to remember this any and every time I catch myself playing the “what if game”. ~ Thanks mom!~

My outlook and opinions of current situations rub off on those around me. I have had bad days and will have bad days but I feel like I need to keep my head up more now than ever before for my sweet little Abel. It is my job now to teach him everything I feel like he needs to know.

I am Abel’s biggest supporter; I will cheer my son on an everyday. I remind my baby Abel that he is loved on a regular basis, he is SO very loved. I want my son to know that love is one of the biggest lessons ever and one of the greatest gifts. I love him. His daddy loves him. His grandparents, aunts and uncles love him. Abel has a support team out there that is praying and cheering him on and loves him before they have even met him. Most importantly I want Abel to know that Jesus loves him.  Jesus loves my baby so much and I want Abel to know that. I am not much of a singer, like I can carry NO tune and NO beat but I sure hope my baby just thinks his mommy’s voice is wonderful. I don’t know many songs either but Jesus Loves Me is a song I have made sure to sing to my baby and I try to sing it on a regular basis. (I will not lie the tune is probably all wrong and I am not even sure if I have the words right, but Abel gets the picture and we sing) Abel knows he is loved, he is reassured this on a daily basis. I love him. Victor loves him. Family loves him. Jesus loves him.

I don’t believe that babies, children or anyone for that matter can hear too much how loved they are. My dad has always made sure to tell me and my siblings just how much he loves us. I get random text or calls just to say “hi” or “I love you” he used to even leave random notes to remind me when I lived at home. I know my dad loves me everyday all day but sometimes it’s just nice to have the reassurance. I want my baby to feel that love, to know that love. My dad has showed me love and continues to love me and support me. I want my baby Abel to feel as loved and supported as I have and do still. ~Thanks dad!~

The fact is my baby may meet Jesus before I do. He may go to be with God before I am ready to let him go. There is nothing I can do. God’s plan is bigger than me. God will prepare me but I feel like I should prepare my baby Abel. I need/want to tell him all about Jesus, not that I think Abel would be ‘scared’ of Jesus but I want him to know it is o.k. Jesus loves my baby and has a special place for him. I know that from the beginning Jesus has held my baby close. I feel like Jesus holds all babies close, He has a soft spot for babies including mine. I want Abel to feel as comfortable with Jesus as I do. There are a lot of lessons all tied up in one here; Jesus’ love, my love, his daddy’s love, unconditional love, peace, acceptance, and trust.

I cheer Abel on. He needs to know he is doing good. He is a fighter and he is so wonderful. I want him to know that his mommy thinks he is brave. His daddy thinks he is strong. Abel and I have little pep talks before doctor's visits in hopes that he will be in a good position to help doctors out. I try and talk him through some of our bigger days and visits. After all he is still just a baby. We enjoy mommy and Abel time. We listen to Jesus music in the car, I want him to hear inspiration and Jesus' love as much as possible. I encourage him. I let him know it is o.k. to be scared but his mommy and daddy love him. That we are proud of him, oh so very proud of him. His daddy sings to him and together we enjoy those moments all 3 of us. If all I can give my son is love then by gosh he is going to have it all and the best of it! 

I just want my baby to be as strong and courageous as possible. I want to teach him everything I can. I want to give him the tools needed not to be scared but to be brave. Abel is a strong brave little boy already. He is a fighter. He is wonderful. He is loved. I want him to know and believe this. I believe even as little as he is he can still learn and feel these lessons.

Jesus Calling

So at some point in all this recent craziness one of Victor’s aunt posted a devotional on Facebook from Jesus Calling.

Come to Me, and rest in My loving Presence. You know that this day will bring difficulties, and you are trying to think your way through those trials. As you anticipate what is ahead of you, you forget that I am with you- now and always. Rehearsing your troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them only when they actually occur. Do not multiply your suffering this way! Instead, come to Me, and relax in My Peace. I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, transforming your fear into confident trust.

Matthew 11:28; Joshua 1:5, 9

Wow! This hit me, it hit me hard right where I needed to be hit! (I mean seriously read that devotion again, read it slowly and take it all in) There is a lesson here that we can all learn from... We do not need to worry about the future or tomorrow. We did not need to worry what the doctors would or would not say. We needed to love our baby and enjoy the time we had we needed to enjoy TODAY. God would prepare us for this journey. He will walk with us and in front of us. He will not leave us. He will not forsake us. I did not need to make my suffering worse by anticipating what the future could hold. He will strength me and prepare me for the days coming.

Needless to say I went out and got Jesus Calling that weekend. They say you need to talk to your baby but I wasn't sure what I needed to tell my baby. I mean he was with me all day everyday he knew what I knew. He was hearing my voice all day. So together me and my baby boy started turning to God, we started Jesus Calling together. I read the devotions out loud and read the Bible verses out loud as well. My baby needed to hear my voice and what better words to tell him than Gods.

I was starting to feel the peace that I had when this journey began. God will take care of me, of Victor, of our baby, of us. He will give me strength and He will not leave me.

This did not mean this journey was going to be easy. But I was not going to worry about tomorrow, God will prepare me Today for Tomorrow. I cannot and should not try and do this on my own. God does not give you more than He and you can handle TOGETHER! This is important He and I. Not me, not Him, He and I TOGETHER.  I will be honest this “He and I thing” was driven home a long time ago like when I was 18. I don’t remember why particularly it was driven home but I am glad it is a lesson that I had learned and I still remembered it. Things happen for a reason you just don’t always know the reason at the time, maybe this was one of those times? God and I would make it through this together. He will not leave me, He will no forsake me.

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Joshua 1:5

Ft. Sanders

So the following week we followed up with Dr. Vick. I can’t say enough how blessed we are to have such a wonderful doctor and staff! They have supported us, loved us and prayed for us through this entire journey.

I am not sure what we expected at this doctors visit but we went… There is always concern for a mom when she is pregnant but when her baby is sick inside her it raises concern even more. I could start to “mirror” the baby’s symptoms of the Hydrops. My blood pressure can increase, I can have swelling, and basically my well being can be in jeopardy. This really worried Victor. He was worried about our baby but I was also a major concern if not his first. Victor knew I would give anything for the baby inside of me. As moms we know it is our job to protect and do everything for the baby inside us, as a dad it is his job to protect me and do everything he can for me.  I pray that no father ever has to worry or choose his wife over his child but I also understand. Victor and I are partners, LIFE partners. He needs to worry about me just like I need to worry about him. We are in this together and need each other. So by this point these doctor visits were to check up on me more than anything because like I said the doctors had given up hope on our baby.

Dr. Vick and Tina did not feel that there was as much fluid inside the baby as there had been. This was a plus! I also asked Dr. Vick if we should get a second opinion. When any baby or anyone for that matter is sick second opinions are sought, what made this any different? I wasn't ready to give up. I wanted to make sure as Abel’s mommy I did everything I could to help him. I didn't want to look back in 6 months and wish we had done something else, something more, anything different. We have had a friend that has been to Ft. Sanders for years and she speaks so highly of them that maybe we should make a visit. Dr. Vick agreed. If it helped me to know that I turned over every stone possible then I should do it, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

We got an appointment at Ft. Sanders with Dr. Roussis later that week. Victor wasn't sure he would make it to the beginning of the appointment, so I asked my dad to go with me. Like I said I have learned the hard way and did not plan on being at any doctor’s appointment by myself especially considering the circumstances. I am glad my dad got to come; he hadn't had the privilege of seeing our baby during a sonogram yet. Victor did make it for the entire appointment though and dad stayed. There is a comfort having a parent there, no matter how old you are. Dr. Roussis’ office was hands down wonderful! They took us back for a sonogram and we had two sonogram ladies.

They talked to us while they did their best to get good pictures of our baby. They answered my questions, not that I had a lot but I knew a few things to look for and ask about. They talked to us and told us what they were seeing. They pointed out Abel’s body parts and let us enjoy our baby on the screen as much as possible. (Check out that big ol' head, it's a Godwin head for sure because we can be notorious for that) After they got their pictures I got scooted off to the little consult room.

In this little consult room the genetic counselor came in, Teresa. She was so sweet. She referred to our baby as our little one, never like he was dead or gone but just a sick little one. We talked and she asked questions and we did our best to answer. We also asked questions and she did her best to answer. Before this appointment I had made the mistake of looking Hydrops up online. I couldn’t find out a lot about Hydrops so I looked up pictures. Dumbest thing ever! Now I had questions about my baby and questioned me as a mommy. Teresa helped answer some of these questions and ease some of my worries. She also helped explain physical traits possible of my baby and his illness some “what if possibilities”. Teresa was very friendly and reassuring. She gave a good since of comfort and Victor and I appreciated that.

After Teresa was done discussing our baby Dr. Roussis came in. Wow! I am not sure where he is from but his voice and accent were calming and soothing in some ways. (And turns out he smelt good, too) He asked us why we were there; all I could say was “because our baby is sick”. I think he appreciated that answer. Dr. Roussis started from the beginning; he built a foundation and worked his way up in explaining everything. He explained the Hydrops, although I do not feel that this was as large of a concern as it had been. It was now the bladder that had all the attention. There was a fear that because the bladder was so large they could not see if there was still a lot of fluid in the belly but this seemed to take a back seat. He took his time in explaining everything, discussing it all. At some point he asked if we had questions and I just said “no but I want to hug you.” He stood right up and hugged me and reassured me in that hug that I was doing a good job. WOW!  

Dr. Roussis was understanding, compassionate, and very knowledgeable. After discussing our baby’s condition he walked us through what we could do as parents. He was very cautious not to give his opinion on what “he thought was best” but the facts and the truth. Just because one option works best for one family does not mean it will for another. Dr. Roussis wanted us to have all the information so that WE could make the best decision for us and our family. That being said he was also very supportive in the fact that Victor and I needed to be on the same page no matter what. Yes, Victor needs to support me but I need to support him and together we both have to come to a decision and accept what that is. Dr. Roussis was very clear this this is a burden that we will both carry but it is a scar that I will bear.

The doctor discussed our options… 1) terminate 2) do nothing, leave this up to God 3) sometimes they can drain the bladder and do a shunt. Honestly at this time Dr. Roussis did not seem to feel a shunt was really an option. So we were left with option 1 or 2. I asked a question that had a glimmer of hope in it and Dr. Roussis looked at me and said “you are not ready to make any decisions right now. Go home think about it and whatever you decide let us know, we are here for you, Victor and your baby”.

We were the last ones to leave the doctor’s office that day it was almost 6. But we felt better. I felt like more questions had been answered than left unanswered. I knew we were trying and that was all we could do. There still was no good news. There was still nothing we could do to save our baby but we were trying and that was all we could do. 

Abel William Ford

This baby needed a name. He needed to belong. He needed to feel special more special now than ever! I needed him to have a name. I needed to cheer my baby through this journey and I wanted to be able to call him by HIS name.

Victor and I had discussed names since we found out we were going to have a baby. But keep in mind our original plan was not to find out the sex which meant we had 9 months to come up with the “perfect” name. Not only that I have had this “fear” that we would come up with a name and then when the baby popped out the name wouldn't fit the baby. You know you name your baby ‘Sally’ but it looks like a ‘Madison’. But you can't change a name that late in the game because everything is already monogrammed and I would assume the baby might have some identity issues later on if you did. I mean you called it by one name for all its development and then just changed it all up.  I don't know and maybe I am just thinking to far into things. Maybe I was just being crazy, I am pregnant and crazier things can and do happen.  So I was kind of enjoying not knowing the sex and the pressure that comes along with coming up with “The Perfect” name.  Victor and I laid in bed as I kept pressuring the name issue. His heart was broken, I think it was a little harder on him than I realized at the time but I kept saying I needed to give this baby a name...

A while back Victor had mentioned the name Abel. At the time it wasn't my favorite. But love my sweet husband he liked the name and presented it to me because it was an expensive fly fishing reel. Seriously!?!? Love his little heart! Victor will also tell you he has always like the name Abel and now on this day I really liked the name too. Victor said “you know kinda a 'God willing and Abel, kinda deal'”.  I looked up the story of Abel and Cain and God favored Abel. Let’s face it there was a good chance my baby would be in God’s hands before I wanted. There was some peace in knowing God had a special spot/liking for Abel. I liked Abel and it seemed to be very fitting for our little boy. Coming up with a middle name to go with Abel was a little more difficult. Nothing seemed to fit. We said good night to our baby Abel that night. In the middle of the night I woke up liking the name William. Abel William. William was a little more traditional than we had originally thought, but it fit.  But then again nothing we had thought to plan has gone as planned, in a long time for us.

Abel means “breath” kind of ironic if you think about it. William means “strong warrior”. Our baby needed a strong name and now we gave him one.

World meet our baby, Abel William Ford.

January 23, 2015

The past 10 days were anything but easy for Victor and me.

We knew we were having a little boy but this was our little secret. I wasn't ready to share that with the world, it was our little family’s secret. It was something the 3 of us could share and celebrate in our own way. It gave me something to hold on to; something to keep with me. Maybe it was a comfort thing, maybe it was a little selfish, maybe I just wanted to hold onto something and this was it. I wanted US to just have something and at this point this was all I could hold onto. I don’t know but after the last visit I didn't want to tell the world this news and we were keeping it to ourselves! I am his mommy and I can do this and I did.

Maybe I was holding onto hope that by the next visit everything would be o.k. This would all be a false alarm. I did mention to Victor that if everything was o.k. we could celebrate and have a simple gender reveal party with just family. He was even gain but he also told me not to get to excited or to get my hopes up. Remember that realist husband I have? Sometimes it is a good thing he helps keep me in check.

So 10 days later that next Friday we went back to UT medical. We held hands, we held our breath and we held on to hope that we would just hear a heart beat that day. Oh goodness, God was good! We heard a heartbeat, a good strong one! HALLELUJAH!  Maybe it was just me but I just thought that would be the biggest obstacle. I was wrong.  I guess I just kind of figured if we still heard a heartbeat we could take it from there and surly anything else could be fixed. Honestly I believe even the doctors were pretty surprised to hear a heartbeat, I should have realized their surprise at the time but I was to busy rejoicing in the sound. I am telling you hearing your baby’s heartbeat is a miracle anytime but today it was even better. It was a beautiful pitter-patter, it was miraculous.

So on with the sonogram. The sonogram lady said she still saw a lot of fluid in the baby and his bladder was still large if not larger. So she did her thing and then went to get the doctors. Again the whole team came in… still no answers. All the blood test they did to test me for any infection under the moon all came back negative. They saw this as a good thing but still no answers why or how the Hydrops was caused. The bladder was still enlarged and the keyhole was more evident, there were still no answers to why or how to correct it. The amniotic fluid around the baby was still very low.  They still did not believe this was a chromosome issue they just didn't know what it was. There was not a lot of amniotic fluid around the baby to test for chromosomes at this point either. There was an option to tap the baby’s bladder and test those chromosomes but they didn't feel that was going to provide real answers either and again they didn't think this was a chromosome thing. They thought it was more developmental. And they didn't want to put me in any additional risk or the baby if it wasn't needed.

So in case you don’t know… you need amniotic fluid around the baby 1) to help the baby move 2) to help develop lungs and pulmonary development. Baby’s breath  in the amniotic fluid, this develops the breathing channels and teaches the baby life survival skills such as swallowing. Crazy that even as small as a task as it seems we all had to learn it in utero to survive in the world.  So the baby breaths in the amniotic fluid and then pees it back out and then they breath it back in. Sounds kind of sick that they breathe in their own pee but their pee isn't toxic like ours. My body has done everything to protect the baby and keep the bad stuff away. So by the baby breathing in the amniotic fluid they learn to breath but this also helps its body learn to function. The kidneys start working, the bladder starts doing its job, lungs develop, this also helps the blood develop like needed. (There is more to the detail of the blood but I don’t know it all, I just know you need it).  Around week 14 is when the baby’s kidneys start functioning and slowly more and more of the baby starts working on its own.  Don’t get me wrong I am still its “host” it still needs me but its body starts to function and get everything working.

Basically this doctor’s appointment tried to suck all the hope out of us. I asked about draining the bladder but because of the Hydrops that was not an option today. At this point because of everything that was wrong they believed there was probably an underlying issue. They just were not sure what. It was way too early to deliver a healthy baby much less a baby that was already struggling to live, survive and function. We were only at 18 weeks, the baby’s lungs had not developed and you need those to survive in the real world. Duh!?! These doctors left us with no options. They could not help. They told us to follow up with Dr. Vick and if we wanted or needed to come back we were welcome to but there was nothing they could do. OUCH! That hurts to hear from any doctor for anything. But this was our baby and we were helpless.  

This Friday was a dark day. Heartbroken does not even begin to describe our feelings. I wanted to run out of the hospital but I couldn't.  I felt like I needed to try and keep my composure but I just wanted to run and not look back. It was worse than a walk of shame to get out of this hospital and it seemed to take forever. I just wanted to get home! I just wanted out of hell!

We came home and cried, we sulked, we laid in bed for the rest of the day. It was a dark day at the Ford house. I am a strong woman. I don’t give up and I don’t give up on hope. But I came home and just cried. I didn't want to be strong anymore. I wanted to give up. My heart was so broken I didn't think I could carry on. As I sobbed I told Victor I didn't want to do this anymore I hurt too bad. He held me. We cried together. Somewhere somehow God gave me that little extra boost I needed to put myself back together and find some hope again. He gave me a little bit of some strength to try and put myself back together to try and carry on. After all I was still this baby's mommy and he still needed me and so did my husband. They both needed me now more than ever. 

We all mourn differently but I was not ready to mourn my baby. My baby was not dead, he still had a heartbeat. He was very alive just very sick. Yes, we all mourn differently and there are different types of sadness or mourning. Victor and I react and mourn differently. I have had to realize this. We have both had to learn not to pass judgment on the other. Just because we show our emotions differently doesn't mean the other isn't breaking just as bad inside.

I begged God for His mercy for His help and for His direction. I clinged onto Him because I knew He was the only way I would make it through this, that we would make it through this. I needed my hope restored. Moms can’t give up on their babies just like that. They just can’t. When your mom gives up on you, you know it is bad! I didn't want my baby to think it was bad. I was going to cheer him on! I was going to love him even more! I will be his #1 supporter!

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.

Psalm 56:3

THE Day

Wednesday January 14^th was one of the hardest days of our lives…

We had a baby appointment, 17 week check up. We were excited it had been a couple weeks since we had seen the baby. My brother Josiah was going to this appointment too, he is so excited to be an uncle it really is cute! He even gave up smoking at the beginning of the year so he could hold and be around the baby and not smell like smoke. I mean seriously what a good uncle!

So I went to work that morning like a normal day excepting a fun normal baby check up, Victor and Josiah were meeting me at the doctor’s office later that day.

Our appointment was at 11 but the doctor’s office was swamped that day. I seriously don’t think we even got back to the sonogram until like 12. This sonogram was just different from right off the bat. I didn't see the baby moving quite as much as we had in the past. Previous visits it waved, rolled almost did tricks, this visit the baby wasn't so active. We heard a heart beat so everything has to be o.k, right? I thought well maybe the baby is getting bigger and room in there is tight. I mean I was 17 weeks but not looking very big. Some days I felt like I had more of a baby bump than others, some days I just looked like I ate a lot. Any ways, the lady that does our sonograms is one of the sweetest ladies ever, her name is Tina.  She has always done her best to help us get good pictures of our sweet baby. Our appointments have always been fun and exciting, why would this one be any different? Tina would always tell us what we were looking at and explain these crazy black and white images to us as she did her job. However, today she was quite. Josiah even looked kinda bored in this appointment. Tina wasn't talking much, I kinda just coughed it up to the fact the office was so busy and crazy and she was behind on schedule.  She said she was going to take some measurements and check some stuff out but as she looked at things she didn’t say much. Amy, who is the nurse practitioner, came in for a minute just to say Hi. When she left Tina said she had to go to the bathroom and she would be right back to get some profile pictures. Tina came back gave us a picture or 2 and sent us on our way. We walked out of this room into the other room where we usually talk to the doctor about everything. I told Victor something was off, Tina was off today. He told me not to worry. Then I saw Amy, Tina and another nurse come out of the sonogram room. I told Victor something was wrong, he told me not to be crazy or worry. I hoped I was just being over paranoid.

Dr. Vick and Amy came in our room a bit later. (This also raised some red flags, we never had both of them at the same time and I had over heard that he had something at the hospital he had to do). Dr. Vick asked how we we’re, you know the usual formalities of a doctor’s appointment.  We said we were o.k. and I got to the point.  “What’s wrong” I asked.  Dr. Vick proceeded to tell us that it looked like our baby had some fluid in its bladder that shouldn't be there. Dr. Vick remained calm and did his best to reassure us that it would be o.k. but he wanted to get us across the river to UT Medical for the experts to look at. We brought Victor’s mom in and filled her in on the news and together we all said a prayer for God’s will and grace. Alesia at Dr. Vicks called UT and got us in as soon as possible, we had an appointment in 20 min. We were on our way!

I will be honest here; reliving this day to write about it is not fun. It’s not easy. It is a hard day to relive in your mind much less put on paper. This day just SUCKED!

I was not realizing the severity of what was going on. I was holding onto hope and God. God had a plan. God had given us this baby and He would see us through. If it was God’s will it would be. I even said “if God give-ith He can take-ith too”. I said this, yes it is true but I don’t think I really realized what I was saying or that He would take-ith. I mean why would God do such a thing to Victor and I or to anyone for that matter?

So we get to UT Medical and they do their own sonogram. Like I said I didn't realize the severity of what was going on and I don’t think Victor fully did either. Victor is more a worse case scenario kind of guy and I am more good things will happen kind of gal. Well it hit during the sonogram and it hit harder than a 100 pound brick. The sonogram lady said “oh that’s good I just saw the hand open, that helps rule out any Trisomy. They hadn't seen that at your last appointment.” WHAT?!!??!! I thought we were here for some fluid on the bladder, something simple not Trisomy! Not that I know a lot about any Trisomy but we have had a friend that had a baby with Trisomy 13, that wasn't good to say the least, I knew that outcome. Well Hell! I just had my rude awakening! So the sonogram lady finished up and said she would be back with the doctor.

In comes the sonogram lady, Dr. Wolfe, and a geneticist counselor. Dr. Wolfe started to explain what they were seeing and that they were seeing a lot of issues and they couldn't put all these issues into one category. They were seeing a lack of fluid around the baby. They thought they saw clubbed feet. The skin on the back of the baby’s head was measuring thick. The baby’s bladder was enlarged, what they call a keyhole bladder. (It gets its name because it looks like a key hole, you can see how one looks in the picture on the side) The keyhole shape is formed because the bladder is enlarged and pressing down into the pelvis area. There was a lot of fluid in the baby around its heart, lungs and belly, this was diagnosed as Hydrops. Hydrops is when there is fluid in more than two areas of the baby. Like I said they were trying to figure out what was going on but nothing really seemed to make since. One symptom might make you think Downs, like the enlarged skin on the back of the baby’s head but then nothing else made them think Downs. Clubbed feet made them think one thing but then nothing else fit in that category. The hydrops didn't add up to anything else or the swollen bladder. They even tried to factor in the Coxsackie that had a positive test result so many weeks ago. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of this room but I couldn't because they needed me to look at the baby. 

They then called in Dr. Hennessy to look at and discuss what was going on. He believed the clubbed feet was due to lack of movement because of the lack of fluid around the baby, so basically the position of the baby was making it look like clubbed feet. Then after some more brain storming they decided that the skin on the back of the baby’s head was swollen from all the fluid that was inside the baby, not necessarily Downs. But they still could not explain the Hydrops or the swollen bladder.

Dr. Wolfe asked if we knew the sex of the baby and we said no. Originally our plan was not to do any genetic testing or find out the sex of the baby. We knew we would love this baby no matter what. We really looked forward to the surprise of the sex of the baby when it arrived. It was going “old school” and we were excited to keep a true surprise in life. Things change though when your baby is sick… Dr. Wolfe asked if she could tell us what she thought the baby was because it helped explain some of the diagnostics. She believed we were having a little BOY!  She believed it was a little boy because keyhole bladders are more common in boys. YAY, we’re having a boy!! I will be honest though we weren't celebrating at this moment our hearts were being broken over and over again with every word that the doctors said. There wasn't really time to celebrate because yes now we knew it was a boy but would he make it into this world?

They prepared us for the worst. The genetics counselor did her best to explain what was going on and answer any questions. When your world gets turned upside down within minutes it’s hard to process all the information much less ask any questions. They kept emphasizing on the Hydrops. They kept talking about congestive heart failure. Ultimately because of all of the fluid inside our baby they were afraid he would start to shut down just like an old person that has fluid on their heart when they start to shut down. You just compared my 17 week old baby boy to an old person on their death bed? Seriously! Ouch! Hard realization right there! Hydrops can be caused from an infection or because of my blood type verses the baby’s blood type. In our case it was not the blood type causing this. So Dr. Wolfe had my blood tested for every possible infection to see if that could be affecting the baby. We scheduled an appointment 10 days out, the following Friday. Like I said they prepared us for the worst but let us hold on to some hope. But really these doctors did not think they would hear a heart beat in the next 10 days.

Worst day ever does not sum up this day.

Victor and I came home and cried. We filled our families in as much as we could but at this point there wasn't much to fill in on except our baby was sick, very sick. I wasn't giving up hope, not yet, not on my baby. But to say the least our hearts were broken and destroyed. Our baby was sick and right now there was nothing we could do.

We turned to God. We prayed. We prayed for His will, for strength, for patience, understanding, for our baby. Oh we prayed for our baby! Our eyes had cried themselves out and yet we still cried. Our hearts were broken and there was nothing we could do. We had worked so hard to get to this point and all in a day it was being taken away. God would be the only one to get us through this; He has to.

I found this and since this day I have fallen back on it many many times:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

                                Philippians 4:6-7

     

First Trimester

Our first trimester went great to be honest! Yes, at first I was a little concerned because I have known/heard of so many women miscarrying because their progesterone was low. There was also a little confusion at the beginning of how far along I actually was looking at blood work. Because my doctor loves me so much I was in his office quite a bit the first couple of weeks checking my levels. To ease my worries and help ensure my progesterone was good I was placed on progesterone pills. Yeah, this did ease my worries and I felt good to go after that. On a plus side because I was on the progesterone I got to go to the doctor every week and see our little one grow! This was great for lots of reasons; we got to see our little one once a week, hear its heart beat, check up on things all big pluses for any mom but especially a first time mom! I mean let’s be honest I am pretty clueless! All the ultra sounds looked good!  Baby was growing great and looked to be right on schedule!

The first 3 months seemed to be a walk in the park. I mean I sometimes I caught myself thinking “this pregnancy stuff is easy”, “I got this” or “Maybe I was really meant to have babies after all”. I was tiered the first couple of months I mean really tired but come on I was growing a human! The first trimester is crucial to the baby. That’s when everything forms and starts getting into place! It’s a lot for my body and the baby. I was the host to this baby, I needed my rest so that its little body could do what it needed and my body could give it all the tools needed. I never really got sick. I would have random gagging spurts, I mean random! All of a sudden I would feel like I needed to gag, I would, and then I would be fine. The day went on. Seriously one night we made Mac & Cheese and I was making a plate for lunch the next day I touched a noodle with my finger and oh all of a sudden I had to run to the bathroom. That was it though just some gagging but its always safer to be near a toilet than not. I ate the Mac & Cheese the next day for lunch. I mean seriously if that was the worst to come then I thought I was doing pretty good! I thought I had this in THE BAG!

Mom and Abby came in town in December and got to go to a doctor’s appointment for the 12/13 week check up. We had a great ultrasound; the baby was active and even waved at the camera. This was great! Abby and my mom were both happy they got to go and see the baby.  It was fun and I was glad they could be part of the experience especially considering they would be going back to Texas at the beginning of January. The baby looked good, everything looked great and we were right on schedule!

First trimester down on to the second…

I mean cutest baby ever, right!?! 

Our First Visit

Our first visit was at 6 weeks because our doctor loves us so much (and because Victor’s mom does the scheduling).

Victor and I went to the appointment pretty excited and stoked but still a little reserved. We saw a little grain of rice. We heard a heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound ever. Freaking amazing!

We were going to be parents! We were having a baby!

Remember that family event the day I found out I was pregnant. Well one of our baby cousins was there and later found out he had hand food and mouth (Coxsackie). Dr. Vick tested me for Coxsackie because it is so highly contagious. I never held the baby but I hugged people that had. Sure enough this test came back positive. Here is God’s work… we just heard a heartbeat. If this Coxsackie was going to do anything to our baby it would have already hurt the delicate little being. But it didn't. My body had fought it and won! My body did what it was supposed to do to protect this baby! God is good!

We left the appointment feeling confident and happy. God had given us this little blessing of joy and we were so happy!

We told family and friends. We tried to keep it kind of hush-hush but with a big family that doesn't really happen. You can never have to may prayer warriors and we wanted them early in the game!

Finding Out!

I was never regular to the day. I tried to track my cycles but sometimes it worked and sometimes it was pointless. I was supposed to start on a Wednesday in October but my monthly “friend” was nowhere to be seen. Thursday came and went and still no visit. On Friday I told Victor I was 2 days late, but of course once I told him this I figured “my friend” would show up. Victor told me not to worry about it or stress over it and of course that is easier said than done.

The weekend came and we went on with business as normal. Saturday Victor was going to the grocery store so I told him to pick up a test just in case. I wasn't feeling pregnant but I was tired of wasting my money on them just to come back negative. By Saturday night Victor’s curiosity was starting to get to him too. He brought the test home and I sat it on the table. I wasn't really in a hurry for a rude awakening or the hurt that pregnancy test have brought in the past.

Sunday came and I was still putting off the test. Victor finally asked if I was going to take the test or not but I still wasn't ready to. We had a family gathering that evening for his Mammaw’s birthday. I didn't want bad news before hand and have to be around people if I wasn't really up to it. I mean let’s be honest when you are trying to conceive a baby any and every negative pregnancy test hurts. It hurts bad! It’s a sharp cut below the belt. It is like a stamp of failure, AGAIN. Some days you recover a little better some days it stings more and you just need your own time. The other side was if it was positive I didn't want to have to keep a secret around everyone who would probably see right through me and Victor. (His family can read him like a book, he wouldn't be able to hide any kind of secret, they would know "something" was up) So I waited a little longer.

When your husband knows you are peeing on a stick there is a little added pressure. Not that either one of you can change the outcome. It’s just that ‘special’ pressure to pee I guess, like someone is watching, even if no one is around. We got home from the family gathering and Victor was putting the windows back on the jeep so I went inside and had to pee. So what the heck lets pee on a stick and see what happens… A partial positive came up and showed up pretty fast! I freaked! I sure did stick my head out our bedroom window and yelled down to Victor to get up here! You could hear the urgency in my voice. He came running. Once he realized I wasn't in the kitchen he figured out it wasn't a bug so it must be THE TEST. He came to the bathroom and I showed him the partial positive (now when I say partial positive, it was more of the positive line than a negative line if that makes any since) and asked what he thought. He read the test, read the instructions, looked at the test, looked at the instructions, looked at me and said “I duno, your guess is as good as mine.”  (I mean after all this was the closest we had ever been to a positive test) We went back and forth a bit and decided to call a nurse friend that has helped me out way more than she has ever had to. (And we love her for everything including all my crazy calls) Remember it was a Sunday evening. I called and rambled on to her voice mail about this pregnancy test that I wasn't sure if I was reading right or how to read it, I didn't know what to do and then apologized for bothering her on a Sunday. She sure did call me back, like the wonderful person she is and told me to come in to the office in the morning to test my blood.

This is in no way the way I ever thought I would tell Victor he was going to be a daddy, FINALLY. I had thought of cute ways to break the news to him for forever. I wanted to make it special for him. I mean we have both been working hard for that positive test for a long time. I wanted him to remember it.  I wanted it to be special for both of US. HAHA fooled me on that plan. But at least we were together and could share in the good news. Too bad we just weren't sure if we should celebrate or not quite yet. Our hearts were still a little guarded. 

Somehow we are supposed to go to sleep and be rested for a Monday… sure…?

I woke up at like 5 and tried peeing on a stick again. Same results. I got back in bed and didn't say anything until Victor rolled over.  I looked at him and said I guess we’re going to have a baby! Now to lay there until we really had to get up and get our day started. This was a storm of emotions for us both.

I went to the doctors later that day. My friend saw a picture of the test along with the doctor and they both knew right off the bat we were pregnant! They took my blood just to check things out. But yup sure enough, WE WERE HAVING A BABY!

Long story short here: I wanted to keep it a bit of a secret, you know until we were a little out of the woods at least. Well that’s hard when your husband’s mom works for the GYNO along with his aunt and Mammaw. So that Monday night we told Victor’s mom and sister (his dad was at work). We told my dad and brother. I had to go back to the doctor that Wednesday just to double check my blood work so we were going to wait until then to tell the rest of the family. Wednesday we told his Mammaw and Papaw and “slowly” told the rest of our families. Keep in mind Victor has a huge very close knit family; news doesn't travel “slowly” around these people. But that is o.k. we wanted the prayers up front for whatever God had in His plan. These are the people that celebrate the good with you and pray and support you in the hard/bad times. We all deserved this celebration!

In the Beginning Part 2

So this brings us to 2014... now our 3^rd year of trying to grow our family. In January we started Clomid in hopes that this would help us conceive. We did 5 or 6 months of trying this. That means more temperature taking, scheduled sex and standing on your head (because of course that might finally work). Clomid basically puts your ovaries in overdrive. Which can mean horrible cramps, crazy hormones, hot flashes, bloating, and heck add in some constipation, I mean this sounds fun right?!? I mean think about it, usually your body works hard to drop one egg now your giving it medicine to drop 2 or 3. Hello! That is some over working on your poor little body! And don’t worry after just a couple months of the regular dose of Clomid the doctor doubled my dose. OMG this was rough! My belly button hurt, cramps kept me in bed at times and Victor just had to watch out because I could go from friendly and loving to psycho b**** in .5 seconds. I'll tell you; any woman that has to try to make a baby deserves a reward! It is tough, hard, demanding work and not cut out for the weak. But that being said mommas find strength that they never knew they had when they need it the most. Don't get me wrong carrying a child isn't necessarily easy work no matter what. (and this is where every woman out there thinks to themselves "this is why men don't do it)

In June we went and saw a fertility specialist. He did his testing and told me to come back at the next cycle for some more testing. I ended up going back in August due to his schedule and my cycles and he checked my tubes and told me the news: if we wanted to get pregnant we would need fertility drugs. OH boy! Have you ever priced those suckers!? They aren't cheap! For ONE month I needed to order shots from London which were about $750 (so that I could give myself 1 shot each day of the cycle, that's 30 days= 30 shots), order another shot from Ohio for about $100 (to take on a special day to help my egg drop when they doctors thought it was a good one), go through all the cycle stuff and them basically use a turkey baster to help Victor’s swimmers meat my eggs that’s another $500. You do the math… that’s $1350 a month! Don’t forget to factor in drive time, time missed from work, co-pays and to be honest who knows what else. Because of course if you are spending this kind of money you are going to do everything possible to help increase your chances of success. That means special diets, vitamins, and whatever other shenanigans you may find out on the internet because it is all worth a try at this point.  And by the way this is for ONE month of trying. What happens if it doesn't work right away? How many months can we afford this? Where do we say enough is enough? At what point do we draw the line not go bankrupt trying to make a family? I mean really that’s a lot of money each month and I will be honest I don’t save money well at all… I might have a bit of a shopping problem or maybe a shoe problem…

Not only that lets face it this is not the way any girl pictures her "romantic night" of conceiving her baby. We all dream of romance to some degree maybe not necessarily candle lit every time but some kind of love, affection and emotion not a turkey baster! Although, at this point you would think I would realize sex isn't always fun, or sexy for that matter. It can be a matter of business of doing the job and gettin 'er done! But realization and acceptance are two different things...

So back to this doctor’s appointment back in August… Victor didn't go with me because I didn't think he needed to miss work. I might have been wrong there? Sooner or later I will realize if I even consider that he should be there- he should be. Lesson learned, again.  So I left this doctors appointment a little heartbroken and a little in shock and by myself (which kind of makes it even harder). I am not sure what I thought the doctor would say but I am not sure I was ready for the reality that we couldn't do this on our own either.

I mean God made man and woman and told us to procreate, why in the heck could we not procreate? Why did my women parts not want to work like they should? We had done everything right as far as I was concerned or knew. We got married. We bought our house to start a foundation for a family. We waited to start a family until we believed we were both ready financially, mentally,  maturity, and emotionally. I mean lets face it your never really ready but we thought we were as ready as we could ever be. We didn't jump on the “baby band wagon” just because that was the cool thing all of our friends were doing. We had enjoyed married life just the two of us and now we wanted to make it a real family. We are in love and have a great relationship why in the heck couldn't we have a family of our own on our own?

I told Victor what the doctor said and a rough estimate of what kind of price tag we were looking at. I over estimated a little and said $1500, might as well round up when you’re spending big bucks right!? That way if it’s anything less then that you got a deal, right?!? We gave the sticker shock some time to set in. I recruited my mom to help in some research and to see what/if any other options there might  be…

One day at work I was driving to the bank and I just started talking to God. We talked about the realization of these drugs I “thought” I needed. The realization that maybe it was really just meant for Victor and I to adopt. You see ever since I was young, like still lived in Texas young, I have felt a calling for adoption. I remember watching an episode of 7^th Heaven and it had something to do with adoption and the next thing I knew I was in tears. If you know me I am not a crier much less over a silly TV show. Since then there have always been little pulls at my heart for the kids in need. I just want to hug them all and give them all a chance. Victor didn't necessarily feel the same way but he wasn't opposed to adoption. Now, when I say he didn't feel the same way it is not that he is against the idea of adoption I just don’t feel like he had the personal tug at this heart that I have had.(But then again maybe that's why he married me, to help see this calling?) He is open to adoption and it has been an option that we have discussed.He wants a family and knows families come in different shapes and forms and is willing to do what he has to to have that family. It is a scary option but it is there. As God and I talked about this my heart got a little heavy. I suddenly realized that if we only adopted I would never see a little “Victor/Jessica” running around. That realization kinda stung. To be honest it just really hurt, it was a hit below the belt. It was a realization that I don’t think I had ever really realized. I knew if this was God’s plan it would be o.k. we just needed to realize and accept this with no hesitation. I NEVER questioned that if we adopted that thebaby would be loved like our own no matter what. No questions there Victor has a heart of gold, I just want to love them all, and we both have wonderful families that would support us and whatever kind of family that meant. So as God and I talked, He kinda “donked” me on the head. I just felt this peace. It was God’s peace. I wasn't sad. I wasn't mad. I wasn't scared or worried. I was at peace.

A couple days later I was getting ready for bed and my sweet husband looked at me and with the sweetest voice said “if you give me like a month I can save some money and we can try the fertility drugs, we can try at least one month and take it from there”. That’s my sweet husband. He wants a family. He wants to make his wife happy. He tries and he tries so hard. But right then I looked at him confident and sure and said “it’s o.k”, he looked confused; I said “it’s going to be o.k. Let’s wait until after the first of the year. I don’t want the added pressure while my family is here or during the holidays. Not only that it will give us some time to pay some bills and open up cash for the shots if we really need them.”  Like I said he was confused he kept saying “are you sure?” I was positive and confident. Like I said God had given me such a peace an overall peace that He was in control. Victor said o.k and that was that.

I was taking on a new perspective of life and this was the beginning, I wasn't going to sweat the small stuff anymore. God was in control- of it ALL and we were going to enjoy our lives to the fullest! 

Everyone says “just don’t worry about it”, “as soon as you’re not trying it will happen”. Here is the truth though: just because you say that it doesn't just magically make it happen. Even when you’re not “trying" you’re still trying. You’re still watching the calendar. You’re still aware of what days it could happen or not. You’re still laying there with your legs in the air  or standing on your head after sex in hopes that it might happen even though your "not trying". You (as in ME in this case) have to really be o.k. with whatever the outcome is either way. I had to feel that all my options had been looked at and explored. That we had tried, that we had given it our best. That really, truly, and honestly I was o.k. with whatever outcome happened in the future. This isn't just something people snap their fingers and feel or realize. We had to work our way to this point. And it was a pretty crummy journey to get to this point. To be honest even this point kind of sucked. But we had to go through 3 years of trying to get to this realization. We were here now and it was in God’s hands…