God Knows

So I was in my car today and I heard the lady on the radio say “God knew you before your parents even did. He knew you and He knew your plan.” She was so right! Then the song, "He Knows My Name" played. (by Francesca Battistelli- click the link to hear the song)

I mean really think about the meaning behind those words: “God knew you before your parents did.” It is so true. It is amazing that God knew you, me, Abel; knew us ALL before our parents! He knew us before we were even that 'little grain of rice with a tiny heart beat' inside our mommies. He knew, He knows!

How true this was and is. God knew my baby before I did. God knows my baby. God knew Victor and I would face this journey. He knew when we would be ready for it, He prepared us. He knew the decisions we would face and He knew the strength and courage we would need. He knew Abel’s name before Victor and I knew it. (Which is kinda funny now that I think of it. If you remember, Victor had mentioned the name 'Abel' and I turned it down. God knew though, He knew Abel would suite our little boy, He knew it would be perfect for our son. He knew the strength and the fight in the name and the little boy.) He planned Abel’s journey and story.  He knows Abel is a fighter. He knows Abel. How AMAZING is that!?!?!  Ohh, it just puts a smile on my face knowing that HE KNOWS!

If God has every hair on our head numbered, which my daddy always told me he did, than I believe he is holding my baby close. There is just power and comfort knowing God knew my baby before I even did.  No need to be afraid or scared; God knows. It is simple words but so much power and meaning behind them. God knows Abel and God loves Abel. 

* Ab-so-lute-ly Amazing! *

Shout Out!

God knows the desires of your heart. He knows just want you need and when you need it.

You know the question “is your cup ½ full or ½ empty?” My cup is full. My cup is always full! In fact my entire plate and table are full! Sometimes we have to change the way we look at things to realize how bountiful our plates really are. It's all in your perspective.  I know I am blessed beyond measure in so many different ways.

I came home Monday to a wonderful husband who also cooked me a wonderful dinner. Not only was he waiting on me but so was a big brown package…

Some of my oldest and dearest friends had sent me a care package! Oh my heart was filled so much with joy! Carly, Jaime, Veronica and I met in 7^th grade by 8^th grade we were inseparable. These girls loved me and helped me in spite of everything. You see they know very well my lack of rhythm and well they were still my friends through 8^th grade cheerleading, in fact, they even tried to help. Granted let’s be honest there is no helping this girl when it comes to dancing, clapping and

anything that requires rhythm. They helped introduce me to a straightener, which we all know my hair needs daily! These girls were some of my very best friends growing up. We survived boyfriends, a lot of 1^st, parental issues, heart breaks, middle school, high school, BFF’s moving away and so much more. I won’t lie time took a toll and we haven't stayed in touch as much as we all wish we would. A couple years ago though we all met back up for our 10 year reunion- it was like nothing ever changed; a true test of friendship.

So on this plain boring old Monday I came home and there is this big box from Texas! I got excited! Inside I found a huge Easter egg filled with goodies and sweet cards. There was candy, there were little nick-knacks you just had to laugh at and even more there were PRETTY PANTIES! If you know me you know my obsession with pretty panties. I will be honest, as I have gotten older I have found comfort over cool, nifty, pretty or fun. But these girls knew what would put a smile on my face and oh it sure did! It put a smile on my face and made my heart happy. It was nice to be reminded that they are still there. That over the miles there is still a great friendship and their support.

This reminded me of a story in Exodus (chapter 16). The Israelite people were hungry and God said he would provide for them and He did. God provided bread to feed their bellies, he told them to gather as much as they needed for the day but not to hoard any till morning. Some gathered a lot some gathered a little but no matter how much they gathered their bellies were satisfied. Some of the Israelites held on to their bread till morning, out of fear. When they woke in the morning those that had held on to extra food found their bread to be spoiled and full of maggots. Despite their ignorance God continued to provide for them each day as He said he would. God took care of His people and provided just what was needed for them. Just enough. Not to much, not to little- exactly what they needed. 

God provided a ray of sunshine for me on this plain ol’ Monday. He knew what I needed in just the form and dose I needed it. I am so grateful for these girls! I wish we did stay in touch more but what a blessing they are to me. How sweet and reassuring it is to know their thoughts and prayers are for me, for Abel, for Victor and our family. No matter the time or distance they are still there and that makes my heart happy. My sweet little boy’s story is traveling the miles. He has prayer warriors from all around and supporters near and far. This warms my heart to know that Abel is so loved already by so many. 

So a special shout out to these long time old friends, Veronica, Carly, and Jaime. Thank you for loving me and thank you for being such sweet friends threw all the years!

I know Victor, Abel and I are loved by so many. Like I said we are extremely blessed, our table is bountiful; we know this and are reminded of this daily. Thank you to each one of our friends and family that love us and support us each day. Thank you to the friends of the friends that have started to follow our story. Thank you to each of you reading this or that know us that continue to pray for God's will, His strength and peace for us all. Thank you for each and every prayer for our sweet baby Abel. God is great! He fills our hearts and our souls. He does not leave us, He does not forsake us. He blesses each of us in His way each day!

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Take a minute or two to step back and see just how blessed you are. See your cup as full and your table as a feast! God has blessed you and I pray He continues to bless you! Give thanks to the Lord in all! 

God's Doink

Sometimes God just doinks you on the head!

We had another baby appointment yesterday. I really love these appointments I really really do but they can be very emotional. I know I have said it before (and will say it again) but as soon as you think you overcome one thing there’s another thing, another “what if”. These “what if” games are tiring, they’re  scary, emotional, and just over whelming. I know I am not supposed to play these games. Sometimes the appointments just get to be a lot. I shouldn't dread them, but sometimes they are hard to go to and they can be a little scary. I put on my big girl pants and go with a smile on my face and heart because I have to face the day and whatever it holds. There is no running from it now. I have to trust in my God. I enjoy baby visits, I really do! It is a pleasure to see Abel on the screen. It's a pleasure to see him grow and move. It's a God send every time to hear his heartbeat, but being honest, the farther along we get the scarier it gets.

This time Tina saw pulmonary movement on the sonogram. Another words it looks like Abel is trying to breath, he is trying to use those muscles.  Amazing! A Miracle! He is growing! He is developing! It looked like his little lungs were trying, there were little flutters. How wonderful and a beautiful site! My little boy is growing and making memories! He is trying; oh he is trying so hard! There is not a lot of fluid around him but this says great things that he has the muscles to do so and the brain power. Abel is a fighter, he’s a champ; he has overcome so many odds.

Don’t get too excited, please don’t. Around 30 weeks is apparently when doctors start looking to see they can see these movements, sometimes they see it sometimes they don’t. So yes, it is cool we saw it but this does not mean Abel will have lung capacity or that these movements will even continue. This doesn't mean Abel will be OK or that he will make it in the real world. It is still very much a waiting game. Tina liked what she saw; she thought it was cool to see; she told us what she saw and showed us. (Sounds pretty simple, huh?) I am glad she shared this milestone with us; I thought it was great to see as well, it was a very proud mommy and daddy moment as far as I was concerned. I don't want a doctor to 'try and protect us' from any kind of heart break, that is not their job and I don't want to miss out on even the smallest thing. It is wonderful and such a blessing to see my baby boy reach milestones. Milestones that some doctors didn't think he would ever reach. Milestones that we didn't know we could or would be able to see. It is a little bit of a glimmer of hope and silver lining for our little boy, for Abel. It is just special to be able to see him accomplish even the little things.  But like I said just because we saw this movement does not mean Abel’s lungs will be OK. (If we make it to 34-36 weeks we will look more at his lungs then and meet with specialist) There is still a lot unknown. While sharing this I do not feel I can stress that enough- THERE IS STILL A LOT UNKNOWN. There are still a lot of things that are not in Abel’s favor. Abel’s body still does not function like it should.

And that unknown is…

VERY SCARY…

IT HURTS…

More than anything though it is a blessing to see my baby developing and growing it is a very big blessing- and I will take it. I will take it and cherish the little things.

As proud as I am of my little boy I wonder what our future holds. I know his little body does not function like a normal little boy’s should. And then the “what if” games begin to roll in my mind. I don’t want to play these games because I know it is God’s plan and I do not know His plan. But Victor said it: “playing these ‘what if’ games is being realistic.” The thing is I cannot know God’s plan or the future or how everything will play out. And to be honest I thank God I do not have to know His plan or make His plan. I couldn't do God’s job and I don’t want God’s job.

The devil tries to work his way into me. He tries to take a glorious moment like ‘pulmonary flutters’ and scare me with it. Yesterday it was working, I won’t lie. The devil was sneaking into my mind and heart. He was scaring me. What if Abel had more of a chance than doctors thought? What if Victor and I should have done more? What if we made the wrong decision for our little boy? What if there was more we could have done or should have done? (All these “what if” games- they are the DEVIL’S work <=that sounds so red neck but it is all the devil) What if Abel really does make it into the world? What if Abel overcomes ALL the odds? What if Victor and I are faced with even harder decisions? What if Victor and I are caring for a sick little boy for the rest of his life that is hooked up to tubes and such, a little boy that didn't have a choice for his life? What if Abel comes into this world a bigger fighter than we could have imagined? What if God throws us a curve ball? This is all the devil’s thoughts and words. He was and is trying to scare me and it was working.  But let’s face the truth: we really have no clue to what is going to happen...

I hurt.

I broke.

I cried.

I hate crying, I hate crying over my son. Not because it is crying or because it is weak or anything like that, but I hate crying over Abel because he is in me, he’s part of me right now. He feels those tears and they are because of him. There is no way to escape it. I don’t want him to feel guilty or negative or that my heart breaks because of him.  I want to protect him from these emotions; this is not my son’s fault. He shouldn't have to feel the hurt his mom and dad feel, it’s our job to protect him.

So I am walking into the house, it’s drizzling a light rain, talking to Abel, reassuring myself and him, and I said through the tears “Abel I just don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t know what is best for you or right. I don’t know what is going to happen, I. Just. Don’t. Know.” And then it was like a light bulb went on.  God just doinked me on the head! It is not my job to know these things. It is not my job to know the future. It is God’s! God placed me here to be Abel’s mommy to do my best, to love him and care for him and that is exactly what we as Abel’s mommy and daddy are going to do! We are loving the crud out of this baby boy more and more everyday!! It's God’s job to take care of us, God’s job to take care of Abel and God’s job to make the hard decisions. It’s not my job- thank goodness! So yeah the light bulb came on and I saw the light. 

Now I will be honest; this light bulb that went on was a small revelation but it did not take away the fear and the pain. I took a shower. (That seems to be my happy place and because I think Abel likes the shower and bath, what kid doesn't) I kept repeating to myself: When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. This verse has been a comfort throughout this journey and I have fallen back on it many of times. Victor came home and came to check on me. He knew my heart was troubled when we left the doctor’s office. I cannot say enough how blessed I am to have such a wonderful spouse, partner, husband and best friend. He has been my rock and shown amazing strength at times. So here we are crying in the bathroom, me in the shower Victor on the other side of the curtain in deep heartfelt conversation, both our hearts broken. When I feel something he feels it too, it is OUR child after all that our heart breaks for.

I feel selfish to feel scared but I am scared. I am scared for the unknown. I am scared for Victor and me. I am scared for THE DAY. I am scared for Abel. I am scared for my heart and Victor’s.  As scared as I am I also know God will see us through this. As scared as I am I know I have to put my big girl pants on every day and carry on. That is what a mother does.

I have to also remember when we threw our hands up and gave our situation and our son to God- we gave it ALL to God, ALL OF IT.  This is still scary, VERY SCARY. You can't just give God a little or a piece of this and a piece of that, you have to give it ALL to Him. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

Matthew 11:28-30

We will continue to put our trust in God when we are afraid. Sounds simple, right? But sometimes it is human to make it hard. And lets be honest it can be scary. 

God got us to the decisions we have made. He has given us peace and I will not and cannot let the devil take that away. God has seen us this far and will continue to see us through. God can perform a miracle, He will perform a miracle. I know this. I just don’t know what that miracle might be- but it’s not my job to know right now either.

I wouldn't trade a single punch, kick, jab, pain or sleepless night. I wouldn't trade a pulmonary flutter, a trip to Cincinnati, good, bad, or over-hopeful news, a heartbreak or tear for anything in the world. We have witnessed miracles and been part of them. Life is a miracle, Abel is a miracle, God’s grace and love are miracles. The love Victor and I have learned, shared and grown with is a miracle. The love we have received from all over has been a miracle. We are so blessed to witness these miracles and be part of them.

DOINK! 

Just a Rough Day

I know I have said it before and I will say it again… some days are good and some days just aren't so good… today was a hard day.

I had an appointment at my Endocrinologist (the thyroid doctor). No biggie but this appointment turned out to have more emotions than I could have imagined.

Of course when you are seeing a doctor you need to be honest, rule #1 about doctor visits, secrets are no good. So I had to tell the nurse about our complications. No biggie. Of course the sweet nurse tried to keep a positive attitude. “Well they can just fix him when he gets here right?” Mmmm not that easy… I know I try to keep such a smile on my face and such an upbeat attitude about the situation; I know it can be misleading. Sometimes though, I feel I have to be strong for those I am telling. I have to lead by example. Yes, this sucks but it is what it is. I have faith, we are blessed, Jesus will take care of my baby, and God has a plan; that’s the bottom line. Crying about it every time I inform someone won’t change the situation. ‘Can’t cry over spilt milk’. And like I have said a million times God has a plan. Of course after I told the nurse and the doctor came in I had to re-tell the situation to him as well. I held myself together just fine. I felt silly explaining medical things to a doctor but then again he is not a baby doctor he is a thyroid doctor. He asked some questions but realized the severity of the situation. He offered his condolences and that was that… see ya in a couple more months…

In the 6 years I have been going to this doctor I don’t think I have ever had to wait in line to check out. Not today! Today there was a line on both sides of the office and go figure I had a sweet little old lady in front of me and behind me and of course we needed to talk about my belly and my sweet baby! I love really do love these moments. I love being treated like a “normal” pregnant mommy. I love the “normal” baby talk. I love it when Abel gets the “normal” baby attention. This isn't his fault. He should be loved unconditionally and it’s nice for me, his mommy, to see the world love him like a healthy little baby.

So I get up to the checkout line and there is this sweet little baby girl, her mom and dad. The baby was only a couple of months old her name was Elizabeth and every nurse that walked by oohed and awed over her. The dad mentioned dialysis to a nurse but I didn't think much of it. Then he mentioned it again to another nurse; that she (Elizabeth) had just started dialysis in March and was going 3 times a week. All of a sudden a mountain of emotions was coming over me. This baby girl looked so sweet. She looked normal. Her parents loved her like nothing was wrong. Just by looking at her you wouldn't know anything was wrong. Truth is it I don’t know what was wrong or the details of why she was on dialysis. I didn't need to know because all of a sudden this sweet baby girl seemed to relate to my baby boy. And then the“what if” games started playing in my mind. I made it to the car. I called Victor. I balled. My heart broke. I know their situation is different than ours. I know we made the right decision for us and for our baby. But my heart broke. I wanted to hold Abel so bad. I wanted to love him. I wanted everything to be OK, to be “normal”; but it is not, and it won’t be.

It just added up to be a lot of baby.

Of course Victor tried to walk me through this. He tried to reassure me. He tried to comfort me. He told me we did what we had to do. He told me we made the right decision. He told me it was all going to be OK. He was right. But there was no fixing this broken heart right that second. I just broke. Their baby was OK. They had their baby. She was beautiful. I wanted my baby. I wanted to hold Abel. I wanted to oohh and aww over him. I wanted to touch and feel him. I just hurt. There wasn't enough comforting in the world at this moment that Victor could give me.

I talked to Abel. I talked to God. But I still hurt. Sweet little Abel kept giving me jabs or kicks throughout the day. He knew his mommy’s heart hurt. I kept talking to Abel to let him know he was loved, I am proud of him. Although I want so much more for him and us I am so very thankful for every moment we have had and every moment to come.

It just sucked!

I went back to work. I got dinner. I went home. I was embraced by Victor’s arms and then the waterworks started flowing again. We stood there and embraced each other. Sometimes that is all a broken heart needs- her other half to help put the pieces together again.

I was trying really hard to put “my big girl pants on” and not be mopey but my heart hurt and I just couldn't shake it. I continued to pray and talk to God. I needed an attitude adjustment and it was one only God could give me.

I decided to go to bed early, maybe this day just needed to end early. But instead of just hitting the sack I got Jesus Calling out and the Bible…

“Bring me your weakness, and receive My Peace. Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are, remembering that I am sovereign over everything. Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning. Instead, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through this day; they will keep you close to ME. As you live in the radiance of My Presence, My Peace shines upon you. You will cease to notice how weak or strong you feel because you will be focusing on Me. The best way to get through this day is step by step with Me. Continue this intimate journey, trusting that the path you are following is headed for heaven.”

Psalm 29:11; Numbers 6:24-26; Psalm 13:5

God’s got this. God has Abel. God has me. God has Victor. God has a plan. I am weak and He is strong.

Today was a rough day. I am grateful for today, I am grateful that God has my back and He carries me when I am weak. He speaks to me and holds me just the way I need Him to. 

A Glorious Day- 28 weeks!

It was a glorious day!

Thursday we had a doctors appoint, our 28 week check up. To be honest I had a lot of mixed emotions about this visit. It is so exciting to be in the 3^rd trimester but it’s also very unnerving. We are getting closer… closer to what I don’t know but closer to something…

Come to find out Victor was starting to also have some questions and mixed emotions as well. Our feelings are similar but our roles are different; we handle our feelings differently and process them differently too. As much as we know this, we still continue to find it out every time we try to work through an emotional day/week on our own; then we realize we need our partner and we need to communicate with each other, there is comfort in that.

Wednesday I was really looking forward to our visit. I started talking to Abel about the visit; I really wanted him in a good position for a good picture; it has been weeks since we were able to get a good one of our sweet baby.

Thursday morning came and I just had this uneasy feeling. I can’t explain it but I was suddenly very anxious about the appointment. I was scared. Not only was I having these uneasy feelings I wasn't feeling Abel move a lot that morning. I didn't want to worry Victor about not feeling Abel- there wasn't much of a point. There was nothing we could do, we were going to the doctor and part of me felt like I was just being a worrier. I needed to give these worries to God but I didn't realize it at that moment (if that makes sense) He was the answer, He was in control.

We took separate cars to the appointment because I had to go to work afterwards. On the way to the appointment I was praying out loud. I wanted Abel to hear my heart but needed to talk to God. I just didn't feel right but couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. I was talking to God about my uneasy feelings and my fears… and once again God came through… my sweet baby boy gave his momma a big ol’ kick! Seriously tears came to my eyes… God heard my prayers, God heard my heart, and Abel was reassuring his momma he was OK in there. It was another sweet moment God was giving me.

You know I am 31. I have had many prayers answered. I have seen, felt, witnessed and been part of a lot of wonderful things God has done. Yet I am still amazed every time He answers a prayer, or I witness His love, or I see His mercy. He is a wonderful God!

Our appointment went well. We got to see Abel move a little on the sonogram.  When he moved I felt it! This was a personal plus because I have wondered if what I feel really is him or not. It has just been mommy doubt and I wanted some “proof” that it really was Abel and not just my imagination.  I also figured that after some of the questions and feelings Victor had been going through this week it was really good for him to see his son was doing just fine in there. We tried to get a good picture of little Abel but it just wasn't happening today. The pictures are kind of hard to see anyways because of the lack of fluid. Even though I tried giving Abel a pep talk about the appointment and we tried talking him through the appointment our little boy just didn't want to move his hand off his face. So no good face pictures this visit. Funny thing is though Victor sleeps with his hand on his face a lot too. Father like son. This thought really makes me smile, it’s funny how babies get these mannerisms before they are even here or know anything. It warms my heart so much to know our son is already so much like his father. What a blessing!

We met with Dr. Vick and he said everything looked good. My numbers were good, weight gain was good, and blood pressure was very good. He made the comment that at this point they are really checking on me to make sure my health stays in check. Victor asked his questions that he had been feeling over the past week or so. And then Dr. Vick laid some more heavy news on us… The bigger Abel gets inside of me (which is what he is supposed to do, it really is good he is getting bigger) the more chance we have for umbilical cord issues. HELLO!? WHAT?! Another words Abel could just accidentally trap the umbilical cord between him and the sac wall and because of the lack of fluid he may not move as easily to correct the pressure in time. The umbilical cord is Abel's life line right now, if its supply is stopped it wont be good. I swear as soon as you think you overcome one thing and are in the clear there is another thing to worry about. But then again this is why God says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 I mean I want my baby to grow but then again maybe selfishly I don’t so he has a little more room in there to be OK longer… I am not sure if that thought really makes sense or not. I just want to hold on to him as long as possible.  I realize this is selfish though and now is not that time to start being selfish. I will just make sure to be healthy for the both of us. God has a plan and I have to continue to trust in His plan.

On the way home from work my heart still broke a little. I was scared. Fear and the devil were trying to take over this wonderful blessed day. I was talking to God again. I needed an attidute adjustment and it was one only God could give me. And then this wonderful song came on the radio, You Are by Colton Dixon. Dang, God knows how to answer prayers and comfort me! (Make sure you check the link out, it is a great song!)

Another added bonus of today was Tyrah got to come over for some friend time and dinner. She has tried so many times to feel Abel move but it just doesn't happen. Funny side note: when she was pregnant with Colee I never got to feel Colee move. I mean Colee could be doing back flips in there and as soon as my hand would touch Tyrah’s belly Colee would freeze. I even tried sneaking up on her but somehow Colee always knew it was me. Good thing she loves me today! Anyways tonight I had the bright idea that I would lay down and see if that got Abel moving… it did!! My BFF got to feel my baby! It was another sweet moment!

Like I said, today was a glorious day! Each day is a gift and God continues to bless us in so many ways!