All in God's BIG Plan

Recently I have wondered why my path has taken the journey that it has. I have questioned “if I wasn’t as strong of a woman as I am would I be faced with such hard decisions?” “If I wasn’t me, would Victor be in the situations that he has been in?” “If I didn’t have the outlooks that I have how would I survive this trial?” (As I write this I realize I was playing that “what if” game… this is why we don’t play the game)

I asked my dad some of these questions one night and he just chuckled at me and as he chuckled at me I realized I was being crazy. God had a plan for me before my parents knew of me. From day 1 He has been preparing me for this journey. Today what I face with Abel, this pregnancy, the choices, seem to be the hardest thing ever but to be honest I cannot tell you it is not preparing me for something else; good or bad. God had been working on me for the past 31 years for TODAY… For this.

My glass is always full, not ½ full, not ½ empty but full and over flowing. Sometimes yes, I have to adjust my way of looking at my glass but I am blessed. It has taken me time to see my glass as always full but that’s how it is now and that’s what matters. God has helped my eyesight and perspective over time to see things as blessings and find the good in all. That is me. That is how God has shaped me and made me. 

For we are God's master piece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so we can do the good things He has planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:10

I am strong. I do not take defeat. I do not quite. I don’t cry over spilt milk. Some people laugh at this motto “can’t cry over spilt milk”. But what good does it do to sit there and just cry. I am not saying I do not cry or have not cried over Abel. In fact, I have cried more in the past couple months than I have in years. Crying is good; it’s good for the soul and heart. Sometimes your heart just hurts and there is nothing else to do but just cry. There have been days I cry and sulk and getting out of bed is even hard… but in time I get back up and get going. I put on my big girl pants and carry on. This is how I work and have worked for a while. God got me to this point, God built me like this. He got me here through other trials and tribulations which at that time seemed probably to be the hardest thing ever. Abel did not need a mommy that sulked and allowed life to stop for the next 20+ weeks. Abel needed a mommy to cheer him on and make the most of what they did have. God choose me for Abel, He knows what I was capable of. Victor also needed me to put on my big girl pants and lead the way. God knows the fight in me just as much as He knows the fight in Abel. I was Victor’s cheerleader during his surgery, I stayed strong for him. That was what he needed. At times things got tough and I wanted to quit but I couldn’t and I didn’t. God was preparing me for what was to come.

I just have to think and realize that God knows me; He knows my soul and my heart and my true self. He has bestowed life lessons upon me that help me through each day, whether it be today and this journey or the next.

I have always had a very positive outlook of death. I am not afraid. I know where I am going and I look forward to the day God calls me home. I have always had the opinion that when I am done with my body to give it away, donate it, give it to others so that they may enjoy this wonderful gift called “LIFE”. Give my parts to people that can use me, whether it is donation of organs to the sick, my brain to science or my hair to a needy cancer patient, give as much of me as they will take. I don’t need this body, it is only a shell. Donate all of me and give the gift of life to someone else. I look forward to the day this body can help someone else, I have always felt very strongly about this. I think giving my shell to someone else to give them ‘life’, or a standard of life, or their family more time with them is the ultimate gift and to be honest I look forward to that day I get to make that contribution. I just think that it is an amazing opportunity.

I never thought I would have to face these same choices, regarding my children or my unborn baby. That being said, I know the desires of my heart and the gift of life. Through this journey I am positive that Abel will give back to the world one way or another. My outlook for my life and my ‘shell’ is now affecting the way I/we; Victor and myself, look at our baby and current situation. Today, we do not know what Abel will be able to give or how he will give but if he can give anything he will. I hope at the least he can provide information about Urethra Blockage. This is also why we share our story, it is the least we can give and do for our son. This being said we cannot forget: “Jesus did walk on water” and miracles do happen. Abel may give to others in ways I cannot even grasp today. It is all in God’s plan...

When Victor and I went to Cincinnati and the doctors gave us their findings Victor and I were also on the same page regarding standard of life. Victor and I have enjoyed life so much in so many ways. God has shown us so many wonderful moments in life and we strive to enjoy it all to the very fullest. Because we love God and life we want that same for our children. God has worked 31 years on me; He was worked 33 years on Victor so that we could make the right decisions for our son for his future and his life. To each their own in their decisions for their children I am not here to judge one way or another. God has worked on us our entire lives to get us to this point and this is the right point for us.

God knew me before the world knew me. God knew my plan and he has worked on me from day 1 to prepare me for today. Today he prepares me for tomorrow. It is just amazing to think of, it’s astonishing. It really is such a big plan, a big picture that He has planned out accordingly and ever so detailed. God had a plan for me; God continues to have a plan. I am strong because of yesterday and because God has given me the strength. I shouldn’t question His plans but thank Him for preparing me and walking with me every step of the way.

Butterfly effect: “In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in s large differences in a later state.”

Just take a second to think of the small things that have happened to you to get you where you are… God planned that…

God made me just the way He intended me to be. He knows my heart. He knows what I am capable of with Him. Some days it sucks and maybe it sucks to be strong but I would be nothing without Him. I am glad He has prepared me for today. He has prepared me with baby steps and not just thrown me to the lions. My faith has grown over time; I have learned to trust in Him more and more. He has given me strength and shown me peace. He has given me love, acceptance, and comfort. He has given me a life partner that compliments me. Victor and I have done this together; God has prepared us each for our journey in His own way. God has done everything He can to help me and Victor succeed together and as individuals and kick butt in this situation. That’s what I am going to do, that's what we are going to do… no mopping, no crying over spilt milk- just kicking butt and takin’ names!

After all, it is all in God’s plan.