Past Week

Well this has been a busy week…

That's me with 438 OUNCES
of donated breast milk!!!

Mom and Abby headed back to Texas this week... It was truly a God send that they could be here as long as they were. They both had time to bond with Abel before he made his debut, Abby read Harry Potter to Abel and my mom shared her kind words with him. He got to know them and love them, I am so grateful for that. Even more they were able to meet him on his big day! Once again those were priceless moments; I am so thankful for the family that was there and got to share in our greatest joy!  God knew our journey and Abel before we did. I believe it all happened in His time because He knew the outcome before we did. He knew I would need Abby to be my friend and a constant in a time of sadness. He knew I would need the comfort only a mother could provide. I am forever thankful they were here this summer. Thank you Jesus for knowing my needs before I do!

Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him
Matthew 6:8

This was my "pumping station" for the past 6-8 weeks.
Marsha is the bright yellow pump in the table! 

Sometimes you just have to do it… I just had to do it… It was time to stop pumping… Pumping has been a comfort. It has been a way to help others which is also my way of coping and probably distracting me of some real issues. It also kept the pregnancy real and the story from ending. Victor has been such a great support. Pumping has definitely put a cramp in our social life and trying to find a new “normal”; 15 minutes every 3 hours can really put a damper on plans and adventures. I am thankful for a husband that supported my idea to help others and a husband that understood when I said it was all I had left… so with mixed emotions I returned my sweet friend Marsha (yes I named my pump). With great excitement I am very proud to say I donated 438 ounces this time! That is a total of 702 ounces that went to some needed babies out there!!! Say a quick prayer for the milk they receive, for the babies in need and the families, thanks!

Last week I was also lucky to have my best friend come and visit! Candice and I have been best friends since 4^th grade. We all know girls will fight and tiff, we sure have had our fights but our story is crazy and it is funny how we always seem to find our way back to each other like no time has ever passed. We truly have one of those “once in a lifetime kind of friendships”. I am so glad she was able to come and visit. Her visit helped me face the world and adventures I never thought I could or even would. All things are possible! I can do it! I will do it!

I know the weeks to come will be full of mixed emotions as well, as I gear up to head back to work (and face more days without my sister). It is scary and uneasy. Facing the world is harder some days than others. But I can do it, I will do it, I have to. Abel was a fighter and I have to be one too, for him! Thanks for the prayers in advance!

Hope whoever reads this has a great weekend and week to come. Today is beautiful outside here in Tennessee and I can’t wait to enjoy its beauty!  Remember to be still and quiet to hear God, because sometimes he whispers. Have a great weekend! Love you all so very much! 

Truthfully and Honest

Two months since our little Abel came into this world and two months since our little Abel went home to Jesus. It has been a while since I have shared our story. There is so much I want to share and tell but it’s not always so easy but today I am trying…

I was reminded last night that throughout this journey I have done my best to be transparent and open; some moments have been a little more honest than others, today may be one of those. I have had trouble writing and sharing recently because I haven’t been true to myself. Trust me I have tried to share and write because although we know Abel is forever in heaven mine and Victor’s story still goes on. Last night as I was reminded of these traits I realized every time I try to write I continue to put 'up a front'. I want to be happy, optimistic, and faithful to let the world know we are OK. I have not been honest with you as friends, family, myself, sometimes Victor, but even more God. We are broken. There is some anger we are working on. Our hearts hurt in a deep anguishing pain. There are some days we can be optimistic and there are some days we don’t want to get out of bed much less carry on. We are not OK BUT we will be, one day. That day doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow it will come when it is ready to come when our hearts are ready to be. God knows my heart but I have to open it to Him, it is my job to share and talk with Him so that He can help me so He can help us.

My writing has been my outlet for a lot. It has been a way to share our journey with friends and family. I started this so that the truth good and bad could be shared and told, so that friends and family would feel that it was OK to talk about; in fact it helps. It helps not to ignore the issue. Some days it helps even more to talk about Abel like the little boy he is and was. I started sharing so people could see God’s presence through even the darkest moments. I am in those darkest moments now and I am afraid they could still get darker… I know God is there. I know He continues to love Victor and me but being honest, sometimes I wish I could feel Him hold us even closer. I need to feel His squeeze!

When Abel was with us I thought I coped and worked through my emotions well. Truth be it, I don’t think I was working through them at all instead I was strong and brave without hesitation because that's what Abel needed. I just did. I have had so many moms compliment me on my strength and courage, thank you. Truth be it; I believe any good mother would have done the same thing for their baby. Your way may be different than mine but it is what YOU believe is best for YOU, YOUR baby and YOUR family. No lie, caring Abel did have some rough days but as I have said before I put on my big girl panties and carried on. I was Abel’s life line and he needed me and I sure wasn’t going to let that sweet little boy down- I would have and still would give anything for that baby boy. But now… now… it is just me and Victor. Now I have to face ALL of the emotions… Anger. Love. Disappointment. Hurt. Pain. Excitement. Happiness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Accomplishment. Pride. And emotions I don’t even know how to put words to. No one writes a grieving manual on this stuff. Why write a book that you hope no one ever has to read? How to do you write a how-to when as similar as our situations and stories can be all-in-all we have nothing in common? The only true thing we now have in common is that we are both parents to forever little angels.

How do I learn to hold back the tears as the lady at the gas station ask about my baby? How do I learn to take a shower by myself again? How do I learn to just soak in the moments when I get a whiff of how Abel smelt on our special day? How do I learn that I may be ok one minute and in tears the next? How do I get out of bed some days? How do I learn and accept that I don’t have to be ok every day or that I don’t have to be strong for others? How do I really accept that this is my time to mourn in my way?

You can’t write a manual on this stuff because it is different for each of us. Being more honest; Victor is the only one that knows my pain, his heart is the only heart that feels even close to the pain as mine. That being said though he still doesn’t know. He can empathize but the ugly truth is I CARRIED ABEL. And now Abel is not here.

Last night a different friend also shared a lovely article "Not Everything Happens For a Reason". Great article, take a second and read it. I have had to remind myself on numerous occasions that people say this because they don’t know better or they don’t know what else to say. As Abel’s mommy, as a grieving mother, and a selfish honest human there is no reason big enough or good enough out there to justify why my son is not at home with me. I used to believe everything had a reason. How could this much pain and suffering have a valid reason? Victor and I have worked on accepting we may never know “the reason” for our story, yet we continue to see ourselves as blessed. That is the key. It is all in perception. Not everything happens for a reason, God does not want to see His people in pain or despair it is just part of life though. He wants to love us and see us through these tough times. It is our job to lean upon Him, to find Him and to make the best out of the situation. The power all lies within our own hands to make the good and our own eyes to see the reason.

“We all struggle. We all suffer. We all experience pain, heartache and loss.” We all have a story and a battle we are fighting. I just buried my son; this is my battle. Think of it this way: it’s like when you give a little kid a cookie and then suddenly take it away. They throw a tantrum the biggest tantrum in history, for heaven sake you just took their cookie away! For a few short minutes that cookie was their world and now it’s gone. What is your “cookie”? Are you fighting demons? Are you struggling in your marriage? Did you get a bad grade? Are you facing unknown health issues today? Are you just over worked and stressed out? Your “cookie” is your battle. I should not judge that my battle is worse or harder. Each battle is hard on a personal level because that is YOUR world. “God’s will is not an event that happens to us, it’s how we respond to what happens… God’s will for us is to walk with Him through the cancer. Through the abuse. Through the death. Through the illness. God’s will is for us is to draw close to Him in the midst of pain. God’s will is for us to use our painful life events to carry his message of hope, grace, forgiveness and mercy.”

Honestly… Victor and I have given back where we can and found what good we can for now. We have shared our story with people near and far. We have shared as much of Abel and his condition with doctors in Cincinnati. We have offered to help parents in similar situations in the future. We have donated breast milk to babies in need... I would selfishly trade it all for more time with Abel; that is me being selfish and very honest and very transparent right now. Sometimes the pain I feel is so harsh that this good we have given back just seems stupid and inadequate. I can’t say that I am that glad someone else gets to benefit from my pain and brokenness, I really could probably give two shits less but… well there is no but… it’s just the way it is.

As I re-read what I have wrote: “God’s will is for us to use our painful life events to carry his message of hope, grace, forgiveness and mercy.” (I am not rewriting what I wrote because it is honest and true to my heart right now) It is not necessarily the good we give back… It is how we continue to walk with God how we continue to show the world His love, mercy, grace and hope. We know God loves us and we see His mercy and grace sometimes we just have to look for it or remind ourselves of it. He gave us precious moments with Abel, our very alive baby, thank you Jesus! We have hope because of God. As we have been angry with God at times in this roller-coaster journey God forgives us and continues to love us.

One more sweet moment of how cool God is, how He still shows us Abel is with us…

Yesterday was a hard horrible tough day. It all went wrong; if it could blow up it did. My heart was broken but I continued to try and hold it together. I failed at some times yesterday but even in those moments of failure at the time I thought I was holding it together pretty well. Anyways… with one simple comment from Victor my heart shattered. I couldn’t carry on any farther and to my bed a barely made it as I curled up in a ball of tears. Victor held me, our hearts broke together.  In our moments of despair, because sometimes they just strike and they strike hard, Tyrah and Colee showed up at our door...  God speaks through His children. A child’s innocence is beautiful sometimes we just need to take a few moments to sit back and really soak it in. Colee drew Abel this picture 

That's a pacifier and a bed- because Abel was a baby

How wonderful it is to see this sweet little girl celebrate our little boy even though she probably doesn’t truly grasp the situation, she doesn’t have to she just knows she loves Abel and that he is in heaven with Jesus.

We may not be OK today BUT we will be. We continue to move forward and God continues to love us and work with us and on us.  

Check This Out..

This past Saturday our sweet baby Abel would have been 1 month old...

I have tried on many occasions to write, to share with you, to update all of our friends and family. It just isn’t that easy. Victor had mentioned on our way to the hospital to have Abel that he hoped I would continue to write that it was good for me. He was right. However, every time I have attempted to put thoughts onto paper it has been fake; not from the heart. I was trying to sound more optimistic than I really feel. I was trying to make the silver lining more than it really is. Our hearts are broken and the only way I can think to describe it is: “IT JUST SUCKS!”

We have had good days and not so good days…

I want to share with you all that has happened. I want to share the continued miracles. I want to share with you how we have survived; honestly, it’s only by the grace of God that we continue to try and carry on. I wish I could share with you the emotions of this journey but I can't, I have tried but words do not do justice. To be honest, I am not sure if words could do justice if I would want any other parent to have a clue to what this hurt is like. It is a looking glass I would rather not let any mother or father ever look into.  I would rather protect parents from these feelings and emotions than try and share them. Writing about all of these emotions is like stirring up a muddy pond that finally settled for a day. We have experienced emotions that I don’t want to describe, there is no lie it has been horrible the worse nightmare possible. These are emotions you can’t put words to; I am not ready to try and put words to them either. I am not ready to “work” my way through them in that kind of detail. When we have good days we want to enjoy our good days for what they are- good days. When we have bad days, we are lucky to get out of bed. And on our ‘normal’ days we are just glad to be on auto-pilot and make it through the day.

We are making it, we are trying, we are doing it together and that’s what matters.

Like I started off saying, I want to share with you the good… The good is what we have to hold on to, it is what we need to use to move forward with.

Today I sent off 270 ounces of breast milk to needy little babies!

This is our first donation of 270 ounces. There is still more in the freezer!

I don’t know why or how this thought ever came into my mind. But a long time ago I thought how cool it would be to be able to donate such a great resource to those in need. It is a priceless resource if you ask me. I didn’t know how I would donate or if I ever would I just thought it was cool. Looking back it was God planting a seed. He knew. (He always does)

After Abel was born a lovely lactation consultant named Lisa at UT Hospital helped put us in contact with Mother’s Milk Bank in Raleigh North Carolina. (Knoxville does not have a milk bank yet, that’s why I couldn’t donate locally.)

So we give back…

I have been pumping to donate the milk to little babies that need it; because of Abel we can do this! Breast milk is a great resource for all babies. It is especially helpful for sick, premature, or addicted babies. Breast milk has life-saving antibodies the protect preemies (and full-term babies) against disease, illness and intestinal infections. These babies are already fighting some of their biggest battles in those first couple of days or months of their lives and breast milk can help them in tremendous ways. Some of these baby’s moms just can’t produce enough breast milk if any to help their babies fight, grow and survive. Plus all the added stress mom and dad have just having a baby in the NICU. We have now been given the opportunity to help these babies and their families. I can only imagine the sigh of relief this can give a mom as she only wants the best for her fragile little baby. One less thing to worry about knowing their baby is getting all the nutrients it needs from breast milk which can help the baby now and as he/she grows into a healthy little person!

Abel continues to touch lives.

We thank you all for the prayers and support. If you are reading this and haven’t made a donation in honor of Abel to the UT Hospital's NICU please check out our GoFundMe page at www.gofundme.com/babyabelsadventure. Every dollar helps. Something little can make a big difference in someone else life. Just like a few ounces of milk can add up and change a life!

Love you guys and thanks for following our story!

Thank You

I have tried numerous times to put my feelings and emotions into words. I can’t right now…

There is no describing what the past 3 weeks have been like. It has been a roller coaster of goods and bads, tears and smiles, laughter and sobbing. We are healing. We are trying to cope. We are working through the emotions and the grieving process. It is a long road ahead…

God continues to hold us closely.

I know and believe Abel’s story is not over. It has just begun!

God is continuing to work miracles. You can see one of the many in all the donations in honor of Abel. How amazing is that!?! This little boy was here on earth for exactly as long as God intended but he is still doing great things! 

One day I hope to be able to share with you all the other ways God has shown His mercy. One day I hope to tell you all the other ways God has provided, how He continues to answer prayers…

I did want to take a second to thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. We have raised over $4000 in honor of Abel for UT’s NICU building fund! This is awesome and amazing to say the least. Victor and I are in awe of the generosity and support that everyone has shown.

Not having Abel here with me is indescribable. It is a hurt and heartbreak I pray that no mother should ever have to endure. No money can bring my baby back, no words can take away the pain. On a good day though it is a breath of fresh air to see the good that is happening. It is rewarding to know that Abel continues to live on and help others. It is reassuring to believe we are doing something right.

Thank you. Thank you for loving me and my family. Thank you all for the kind words and support. Thank you for each and every donation in honor of Abel. Thank you for the calls, text, cards and letters. Thank each of you for the prayers that never seized; God hears them all. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 

Abel Is Giving Back!

Victor and I have been deeply touched by all the love and support that family and friends near and far have shown us throughout this journey. Abel was and is one special little boy that is loved near and far. As this chapter in our story comes to an end another one begins. Abel will continue to bless others in ways we may never know.

With extremely heavy hearts we plan the funeral for our little boy. We will have a graveside service at Oak Ridge Memorial on Wednesday June 24, 2015 with family and close friends. In lieu of flowers we are asking for donations to the NICU Building fund at UT Hospital. I have set up a Go Fund Me account to help make donating easier:

www.gofundme.com/babyabelsadventure

Thank you in advance for every penny and every dollar. We are excited that Abel will be able to help other little babies that have a bigger than life fight ahead of them and their families in their biggest time of need.

Our Perfect Day

He was perfect. He is perfect.

He came into this world fighting.

Our lives are for forever changed.

He surprised doctors and nurses.

We knew he had it in him. He knew he had it in him.

God knew. God knows.

God gave us a perfect little boy.

Abel William Ford came into this world Thursday June 18, 2015 at 3:27 p.m.

God was in that room, we all felt the peace that He poured into the room. A sense of peace that this mommy and daddy needed to know it was going to be OK. It had to be OK. God was there. He was answering prayers. He was helping doctors. He was giving Abel strength. He was comforting Victor and me. As much as our hearts hurt and broke they were overfilled with joy at the same time.

He was fighting. He was a fighter; we shouldn’t have expected anything less.

He was a little red headed feisty little boy that wasn’t giving up!

His daddy got to meet him and cheer him on face to face as the doctors help give him the tools to fight.

I prayed.

Victor got to hold his son and was the proudest daddy there could be. It was love.

We had to make decisions no parent should have to make. We stayed strong as our hearts broke. Our son needed us to do what was right for him. We had to make some of the most selfless decisions known to man as the doctors told us if they continued Abel would be in great pain. We had to say no. It wouldn’t be fair to Abel; to the sweetest little boy God could give us.

I held him. I loved him. I love him.

I was in love.

He was so perfect. He is so perfect.

We talked and his daddy and I told him how proud we were of him. We had our moments. God was there. God was showering Victor and I with blessings as our hearts broke at the same time. God was holding all three of us as His plan unfolded.

Abel kept fighting to breath. The tube helped but you could see it in his eyes he was tiered. He had just had the biggest day ever! He made it into this world ALIVE and surprised everyone in that room, there wasn’t a dry eye. Jesus was holding him tight on this adventure.  

He had his daddy’s heart and determination. He had his mommy’s fight.

He saw his mommy and his daddy, he felt our love. He knows how much he is loved. He heard our voices, heard our cheers and felt our tears. We talked about meeting Jesus and I told him it was OK, not to be scared.

He took the world in. He soaked in our love as we poured our thoughts, encouragement and cheers onto him. We bathed him in kisses. We hugged him tight. This is what he had been fighting for, this was it! Welcome to the world Abel!

We held him as long as we could. But we could see he was getting tiered. He was still fighting but his little eyes were sleepy. He was in the midst of a very exciting day! His little body had worked so hard. His little heart hadn’t given up the fight not for a second.

Our hearts broke. In the same moment we were the proudest parents ever!

We made it back to the room where four of the proudest grandparents got to meet their grandson. Tears ran down cheeks, kisses were given as Abel was passed around. He was perfect. Victor and I were so proud to show him off to our parents. We were all so in love.  Our little baby angel love!

He had his mommy’s nose and his daddy’s ears. He looked just like us both! He had luscious lips, wavy red hair and sweet eyes with long blonde eye lashes. He had feet like his daddy and big ol’ hands. He was perfect.

At some point in all the love, tears and sweet words our sweet baby went to be an angel with Jesus.

Our day was perfect. 

But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Luke 18:16

Ready Set... Go

All according to His plan...

We are having a baby! World get ready to meet Abel William Ford!

The doctor decided at our appointment on Wednesday that it was best to induce. Victor and I checked in at midnight and started the new chapter of getting Abel into this world.

I feel God's peace and presence in our decision to induce. I feel at peace just as I did when I put all my trust in God before I even knew this journey was going to begin. God is in control and has His own plan. His plan will go accordingly and just as He wants.

Abel is a super loved little boy. He knows this and we know this; he sure feels the love! Thank you for all your prayers and thank you for the prayers still to come. Please also keep the doctors, nurses, and our families in your prayers as you lift our little boy up in your thoughts and prayers in the days to come. God knows we will all need them.

Only God knows how our story is written. But I know it will be PERFECT.

Seasons of Life

I have tried to write recently but my feelings, thoughts and heart just don’t seem to get onto paper like I feel they should… Maybe I haven’t been truly writing from the heart? This is very possible because I’ll tell you my heart is full of emotions and sometimes they are hard if not near impossible to sort through. But I feel like there is still so much to share and say and tell. Still so many adventures to be had…

It is a beautiful Sunday morning, the birds a singing and the sun is shining and we are officially 39 weeks! Proud mommy moment! However, today is also a little bitter sweet and much of a reality check. Our big day is getting closer and closer. The closer Abel’s arrival gets the more emotions that it brings to be dealt with and the more decisions that have to be made.

We had another doctor’s appointment on Friday. Mommy and Abel are doing good. Abel is growing and has a strong heart! His heart was at 141- who would think this little boy was fighting for his life? We saw him make pulmonary movements, which is also good. He fluttered around a little for us which also showed he is not in any undue stress right now. BUT I am not dilating quite like doctors had hoped, which would make this process a little easier; not that any of this has been so called ‘easy’. So no worries the doctor threw a curve ball and said lets induce this week… “This week? Like week 39? Oh shit”- I won’t lie that was my exact response. I was not ready for that recommendation at all. I thought I had another week with my baby, another 7 days another 168 hours. It may not seem like a lot but it’s something to me, it’s a lot to me actually when there is so much still unknown. I still needed to make sure I had his outfits for his big day; I still need a blanket… I still needed… I may not know exactly what I still needed but I still needed more time. I am not ready! I really wasn’t too fond of this idea. The inevitable was all of a sudden staring us in the face. Scary. Reality check. Exciting. Frightful. Unknowing.  

So… our compromise was we go back Wednesday and as long as everyone is still OK we will wait till Monday June 22, 2015 to induce.

Seasons come and go just like the seasons of life. I feel Victor and I are both ready to see what this season of our life holds and how it plays out. There is still so much unknown for all 3 of us. I know I can’t keep Abel inside of me for forever, even though I wish I could. Life has to go on one way or another. God didn’t make time to stand still. It's just plain freakin’ scary though! It is a roller coaster of emotions. Abel has been such a fighter. He could throw us a major curve ball either way and come out showing this world who the boss really is!

Setting a date brings up emotions and calls for discussions, to be real and honest, these are more discussions that parents shouldn’t have to have- but we have to. We have no choice. We have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I believe in miracles: JESUS DID WALK ON WATER. Victor and I have had to open doors to conversations that I wish upon no parent. We have to at talk about it now so we have a little bit of an idea. Although, plans change, feelings change and decisions can change at any time; as much as we attempt to be prepared we still do not know.

It is not easy.

As we try to be good partners and parents and discuss our son, his future, our wishes, wants and what is best for our family our hearts just… it’s not just a breaking heart it is like someone is just slowly shredding your heart to pieces one layer at a time. They take it and squeeze it and ring it and shred it and tear it and cut it into a million little pieces. And yet after this excruciating throb in your chest you still have to wipe away the tears and come to some kind of conclusion of how you will survive and still find the strength to go on.

Victor and I tried to discuss our thoughts of Abel. It’s not easy. I just don’t know. Victor just doens't know.  WE don't know. I know what my wishes are for me when I pass but it is different to make these plans for your unborn child. As much as I thought I could relate my wishes to my child's they do not compare there is almost no relevance for the other. I don’t know what is right. I don’t know what I should do or what is best for my son and my family. He is only 39 WEEKS old how can I possible know? These aren’t just go with the flow questions and answers, once we make the decisions we have to live with the results and answers for the rest of our lives. How do I do that? Where does this strength, knowledge and peace come from? I know the answer is God. I know God will provide us with peace and comfort, knowledge and strength, love and compassion… all the answers we need in time… but having it, finding it, knowing it; that can all be another battle.

As my heart is being ripped out of my chest in slow motion and the tears stream down my face Victor just holds me and Abel close and we cry together because that is all we can do at this moment; is be there for each other, as a family of 3. Now catch this; this little 39 week old baby sure enough starts kicking on the side so his daddy can feel him. Victor felt the kicks before I even did. Abel is amazing! He is in there and he is fighting and wow what a strong little boy. He feels and knows the pain of our hearts but DANG he already has so much personality and fight. It isn’t his job to reassure us HE is going to be OK or that WE will be OK but he does so in his own way every time we seem to need it most. Maybe it’s God? Maybe it is Abel? Maybe it is both? But it is amazing and a blessing and such a miracle! How can I give up faith on miracles when we have witnessed so many big and small in the last 12 weeks- really 39 weeks because babies, no matter what, are miracles.

The thought of the day of is scary. There are lots of questions and planning that we feel we should do. Every parent plans their babies arrival and big day, we are just having to plan a little differently. Abel has fought so hard and so much I want the world to meet this courageous little boy. But is the world ready for this little boy? Are we going to be strong enough to share him no matter what with any part of the world? He is my son. He is part of Victor and me. How will he look? Will the world think he is as beautiful and wonderful and as perfect I do? Do we need to protect the world and family from him? Can they see his beauty? How will Victor and I emotionally be? These are things we have to talk about and prepare for. And then again we have no freakin clue! He is still a baby. He is my baby. This isn’t his fault and I don’t feel that he should suffer or lose any of the “normal” excitement any other baby would get. This isn’t his fault, he can’t help it. I get maybe it is moments just for family, close family. But my baby, Abel, deserves all the love and commotion and excitement as any other baby. And selfishly so do Victor and I- the question just comes to can we handle it? Do we want it?

...And then I also think: this is just his shell, just like I will only leave my shell behind... Yet I want the world to meet this beautiful wonderful miracle of a little boy!

But I guess until these moments are here; yet again, we do not know.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Philippians 4:6

Miracles happen: JESUS DID WALK ON WATER. Abel could come out fighting and beat all odds and all these questions and tears could be useless. Abel is a fighter and his mommy and daddy and all the doctors will give him all the tools needed to do whatever his little self can do! You know when Abel comes out fighting and surprises us all we will be flabbergasted and have to pick our jaws up from the ground. I wait for this moment. I pray for this moment.

I pray for God’s will.

There has been so much unknown. I like to plan and have all my little ducks in a row. But you know in the last 9 months those ducks are all over the freakin' place. I have had to trust God and learn to take one day at a time. I have had to learn to stop and smell the roses and actually enjoy them. I don’t necessarily think God had to go to the extreme with Abel to teach me this lesson but because of Abel I know it. I have learned to stop and enjoy moments with my son. I have learned to be still. When I am still I experience God’s miracles. As I write this and read out loud Abel reminds me he is with me, another blessing and miracle. I really think in the last couple of weeks he has been more active, maybe space is tighter or maybe he is already an attention seeker, either way I will take it! I have learned when my husband needs me, to be there, no questions no wondering mind. Chores and errands can wait but Victor cannot. I don't have to do the dishes or clean the house or go to Target. I have learned and will continue to learn to be the wife and partner that Victor, my husband and partner deserves and longs for.  I shouldn’t and can’t think of all the other things I could be doing but be still and be in the moment. I am right where I need to be when I need to be there. That is also God's doing. Things are what they are, it is what it is; I don’t have to out-do myself but enjoy the moments because that is what makes life so grand! I believe this lesson will stick with me for life and I hope it does. I hope when I have little babies running around, Abel and the others, I take the extra second to wipe a runny nose or say “I love you” and enjoy the duties of motherhood instead of hurrying through them. Just like seasons of life they only last so long.

I don’t remember life before Abel. I don’t want to imagine life without Abel.

Our lives will change for forever when Abel comes into this world. They already have. Abel will change our world. We just don’t know how yet…

All in God's BIG Plan

Recently I have wondered why my path has taken the journey that it has. I have questioned “if I wasn’t as strong of a woman as I am would I be faced with such hard decisions?” “If I wasn’t me, would Victor be in the situations that he has been in?” “If I didn’t have the outlooks that I have how would I survive this trial?” (As I write this I realize I was playing that “what if” game… this is why we don’t play the game)

I asked my dad some of these questions one night and he just chuckled at me and as he chuckled at me I realized I was being crazy. God had a plan for me before my parents knew of me. From day 1 He has been preparing me for this journey. Today what I face with Abel, this pregnancy, the choices, seem to be the hardest thing ever but to be honest I cannot tell you it is not preparing me for something else; good or bad. God had been working on me for the past 31 years for TODAY… For this.

My glass is always full, not ½ full, not ½ empty but full and over flowing. Sometimes yes, I have to adjust my way of looking at my glass but I am blessed. It has taken me time to see my glass as always full but that’s how it is now and that’s what matters. God has helped my eyesight and perspective over time to see things as blessings and find the good in all. That is me. That is how God has shaped me and made me. 

For we are God's master piece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so we can do the good things He has planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:10

I am strong. I do not take defeat. I do not quite. I don’t cry over spilt milk. Some people laugh at this motto “can’t cry over spilt milk”. But what good does it do to sit there and just cry. I am not saying I do not cry or have not cried over Abel. In fact, I have cried more in the past couple months than I have in years. Crying is good; it’s good for the soul and heart. Sometimes your heart just hurts and there is nothing else to do but just cry. There have been days I cry and sulk and getting out of bed is even hard… but in time I get back up and get going. I put on my big girl pants and carry on. This is how I work and have worked for a while. God got me to this point, God built me like this. He got me here through other trials and tribulations which at that time seemed probably to be the hardest thing ever. Abel did not need a mommy that sulked and allowed life to stop for the next 20+ weeks. Abel needed a mommy to cheer him on and make the most of what they did have. God choose me for Abel, He knows what I was capable of. Victor also needed me to put on my big girl pants and lead the way. God knows the fight in me just as much as He knows the fight in Abel. I was Victor’s cheerleader during his surgery, I stayed strong for him. That was what he needed. At times things got tough and I wanted to quit but I couldn’t and I didn’t. God was preparing me for what was to come.

I just have to think and realize that God knows me; He knows my soul and my heart and my true self. He has bestowed life lessons upon me that help me through each day, whether it be today and this journey or the next.

I have always had a very positive outlook of death. I am not afraid. I know where I am going and I look forward to the day God calls me home. I have always had the opinion that when I am done with my body to give it away, donate it, give it to others so that they may enjoy this wonderful gift called “LIFE”. Give my parts to people that can use me, whether it is donation of organs to the sick, my brain to science or my hair to a needy cancer patient, give as much of me as they will take. I don’t need this body, it is only a shell. Donate all of me and give the gift of life to someone else. I look forward to the day this body can help someone else, I have always felt very strongly about this. I think giving my shell to someone else to give them ‘life’, or a standard of life, or their family more time with them is the ultimate gift and to be honest I look forward to that day I get to make that contribution. I just think that it is an amazing opportunity.

I never thought I would have to face these same choices, regarding my children or my unborn baby. That being said, I know the desires of my heart and the gift of life. Through this journey I am positive that Abel will give back to the world one way or another. My outlook for my life and my ‘shell’ is now affecting the way I/we; Victor and myself, look at our baby and current situation. Today, we do not know what Abel will be able to give or how he will give but if he can give anything he will. I hope at the least he can provide information about Urethra Blockage. This is also why we share our story, it is the least we can give and do for our son. This being said we cannot forget: “Jesus did walk on water” and miracles do happen. Abel may give to others in ways I cannot even grasp today. It is all in God’s plan...

When Victor and I went to Cincinnati and the doctors gave us their findings Victor and I were also on the same page regarding standard of life. Victor and I have enjoyed life so much in so many ways. God has shown us so many wonderful moments in life and we strive to enjoy it all to the very fullest. Because we love God and life we want that same for our children. God has worked 31 years on me; He was worked 33 years on Victor so that we could make the right decisions for our son for his future and his life. To each their own in their decisions for their children I am not here to judge one way or another. God has worked on us our entire lives to get us to this point and this is the right point for us.

God knew me before the world knew me. God knew my plan and he has worked on me from day 1 to prepare me for today. Today he prepares me for tomorrow. It is just amazing to think of, it’s astonishing. It really is such a big plan, a big picture that He has planned out accordingly and ever so detailed. God had a plan for me; God continues to have a plan. I am strong because of yesterday and because God has given me the strength. I shouldn’t question His plans but thank Him for preparing me and walking with me every step of the way.

Butterfly effect: “In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in s large differences in a later state.”

Just take a second to think of the small things that have happened to you to get you where you are… God planned that…

God made me just the way He intended me to be. He knows my heart. He knows what I am capable of with Him. Some days it sucks and maybe it sucks to be strong but I would be nothing without Him. I am glad He has prepared me for today. He has prepared me with baby steps and not just thrown me to the lions. My faith has grown over time; I have learned to trust in Him more and more. He has given me strength and shown me peace. He has given me love, acceptance, and comfort. He has given me a life partner that compliments me. Victor and I have done this together; God has prepared us each for our journey in His own way. God has done everything He can to help me and Victor succeed together and as individuals and kick butt in this situation. That’s what I am going to do, that's what we are going to do… no mopping, no crying over spilt milk- just kicking butt and takin’ names!

After all, it is all in God’s plan. 

Plans Change...

Today we are 36 weeks 4 day! Pretty amazing! Abel has already overcome a lot of odds but last week we had to have a ‘come to Jesus meeting’ with the NICU doctor to discuss how “The Big Day” will go and what to expect. This was not a meeting Victor and I were really looking forward to. We knew it would be hard. We hoped for the truth but also knew the truth was going to stab our hearts. It did.

We met with Dr. Bass who is a NICU doctor at Tennova and at UT Hospital. To be honest, I am not sure if he has more titles that follow his name or not but he really seemed to be a great guy and doctor. We started off by talking about Abel and his lungs because his lungs will be the focus when he is first brought into this world. We have to make sure his lungs can work before we even begin to worry about his bladder or kidneys. One thing at a time…

Dr. Bass’s first comment was “I believe in miracles. I believe Jesus walked on water. It doesn’t look good though; your baby’s lungs are very under developed (to say the least). This will need to be our immediate focus.”

Ouch. Reality.

There is some peace and reassurance that a doctor believes in miracles much less that he will mention Jesus and that he believes. We liked that. I don’t know the details of Dr. Bass’s beliefs but he knows Jesus, and that’s what matters. I want Abel to be surrounded by God’s people as much as possible for every situation. God can use these people in every kind of way. Whether it be to work on Abel and help him or to help us make the best decisions for our son. God works through His people, His people do wonderful things because they are led by God sometimes not even knowing the full plan but it all works out accordingly.

Dr. Bass explained some of how lung development works. Some of it we had heard before granted everyone explains it a little differently and things can always change... Since we have had no amniotic fluid there has not been proper pressure on the lungs needed. The amniotic fluid also effects the air channels that develop, no amniotic fluid means those can’t develop either. No air channels mean Abel’s lungs won’t work in the real world. The swollen bladder has also pressed up on where Abel’s lungs are which also hinders development. Dr. Bass explained some of the care that Abel would need and some of the steps that could be taken to help Abel. He also expressed his concern that UT has a level 3 NICU and will be better equipped to help Abel and offer him the best chance. Dr. Bass was very wonderful in explaining steps and some “what if” scenarios. To be honest though none of these scenarios seemed ‘great’ or ‘ideal’. It came down to if we wanted to give Abel all the tools possible to fight and survive then we needed to have him at UT.

Abel has fought and given every day his best, I don’t feel as Abel's mom or his parents we can take the tools away from him that might help him to succeed. That would be like throwing your kid into a baseball game with no bat, glove, or ball and telling him to give it his all and win the world series. I want my child to succeed whether it be something small or something huge like breathing! I have to make the decision that is best for Abel. Having him at UT means Dr. Vick doesn’t get to deliver. This hurts my heart, it also kind of scares me; but this isn’t about me it is about Abel.  I know Dr. Vick, he knows me, he knows Victor and he wants what is best for the Fords. Having Abel at UT also means that the same doctors that wrote him off will now be delivering him. Ironic? Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor? Abel is going to show these doctors what’s up!

Victor and I want what is best for our son. Doesn’t every parent? Our hearts break one way or another it feels like but we have to trust in God. We have to trust in His plan and His will to be done. God has given us wonderful doctors to help us through this journey but it is all up to God. We continue to pray for His plan though- only God knows what is truly best for Abel.

So things change… plans change… and God takes the wheel. We are now planning on having Abel at UT. We will meet with the high risk doctors that will deliver Abel and take care of me from here on out. I pray for peace within myself, between us and the doctors, and guidance for the doctors. I know if you’re reading this your prayers are with us regularly but please also pray for these doctors all the doctors and nurses that will be involved.